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Rastagirl
05-30-2009, 10:06 PM
Okay....Rastagirl has returned... :grin69:

I took a couple of days to regroup...to ponder my recent news of pending surgery....and spend some time wallowing in misery and letting extremely intense feelings of anger well up in me.

I have learned to be very careful with my anger...the anger that Lupus brings. But I have learned that holding anger inside can be dangerous to our spirit and to our bodies. Since I'm a mom, I choose my time, and my place, to express it...to let it out. I let my kids know that the feelings are all my own and have nothing to do with them, and then I take a long ride in my truck, or go sit by the river....put on my favorite blues tunes and let the tears flow. I have the ultimate CRY. I allow myself to think every bad, evil, angry, hateful thought I can bring to the surface...to feel them...to get really, really angry at God (cuz I know He can take it) and I let myself get it all out of me.

When it is over....I feel the ultimate release. A cleansing of my mind and soul. As if, I am ready to start over...to start anew.

I have decided that Lupus can go ahead and have my right wrist...it can go ahead and force me into yet another surgery that I am terrified of.

But what it cannot have is my HAPPINESS....my SENSE OF HUMOR.....my WILL TO LIVE....and my DETERMINATION TO SURVIVE.

I refuse to give those up willingly. And I refuse to let it change my life for the worse. If it thinks it can take my right hand, then I will challenge myself to learn to do everything that I need to with my left.

Through all of these years living with Lupus, I have never felt like a strong person....physical strength was something that Lupus took from me early on. But I am determined to show my children that true strength is not physical, it is something that comes from within a person. Something that cannot be beaten by any illness....something that ANY person can have if they become determined enough. I want my children to know that they can do anything in this world that they make up their mind to do...and nothing can stop them. I want them to know that a person with an illness can choose to live their life with Hope...and with Dignity....and with Humor...and with Joy! And I want them to know that the most important thing in this world is sharing their Love with others and finding ways to Help other people.

There have been many times with this illness that I have felt very weak, especially when I was losing both of my hips and could barely walk....I searched through scripture to find verses that had meaning for me. I would like to share a few with you that have brought me comfort through my trials....

Psalm 147:10-11

"His pleasure is not in the strength of the horse,
nor His delight in the legs of a man;
the Lord delights in those who fear Him,
who put their hope in His unfailing Love.

Psalm 31:7

"I will be glad and rejoice in your Love,
for you saw my affliction,
and knew the anguish of my soul."

At times, I feel like I am fighting the Battle of my Life....and I am. But I have learned that one of the most important weapons in any battle is true Courage. So I muster all of the Courage that is within me and ready myself to face whatever the future...my future may bring.

With Love and Courage....

I battle onward....

:heart: Lori

rob
05-31-2009, 03:49 AM
Lori,

You know, I spent a few years in the Army, and I saw some incredibly physically fit athletes wash out of training while relatively average guys who you would never think of as tough or really in shape made it through just fine.

Real strength, and toughness comes from inside, and has very little to do with physical strength or size. A will to win, and the ability to endure come from your head, and heart.

Anger can eat a person up inside, so it's good to know that you have a way to get it all out when it threatens to boil over. I have alot of anger too. Anger at this disease, anger at the unfair feeling of "why me", and anger at people who I thought would understand and help me, but didn't. I can physically feel it in me, my stomach churns, hands shake with adrenaline, it's no fun, and Lupus loves the stress of the anger and gives me a nice flare as a gift for it. You have every reason to be angry, you are right handed, and this procedure is on your right wrist-that's incredibly unfair. You take pride in your excellent handwriting, and now this is going to mess with that ability-it just plain sucks.

But, I believe I've known you long enough to say that it's going to take alot more than this to beat you. You ARE strong, and you can, and will face this. And you will win in the end.

Rob

Margie26
05-31-2009, 04:49 AM
Hi Lori,

Your words have given me courage too to live life with more courage and hope!

Thank you for sharing with us.

I also feel anger, because I grieve for the ability I have to design layouts and now I have to limit my time on the pc, because of the migraine headaches I get that are so horrible! I'm grieving for the loss, but I find strength after I pray and tell God how I'm feeling. That helps me to keep going.

I come to the board to talk with you here on the forum, because I know you understand and are a wonderful support.

Big Hugs,

Margie

Pearl
05-31-2009, 07:52 AM
often seems elusive when we are facing adversity. Yet it is there. Deep inside. Like a single grain of sand waiting to be transformed into a pearl. Your faith will sustain you, and from this too, many blessings will flow. This is part of your journey. And you do not walk alone.

Wishing you peace and comfort in the days to come,

Jana

Angel Oliver
05-31-2009, 11:17 AM
Oh Lori,

Your message was so lovely and i am glad you are back...fighting.Have you thought or imagined.....afterwards.....you may be so much better with your right wrist....and painfree too!!!!It''ll take a while i know,for you to recover....but hey...what a thought!!
Sending you gentle hugs and a HUGE SCREAM ACROSS THE WATERS......ahhh that feels good now :)

Lots of love
Amanda.xxxxx
(Oh if you hear a dragging sound everytime i enter the room...ignore it ...im dragging me legs :) )xxx

abbasgirl
05-31-2009, 05:10 PM
A very touching post, Lori, and very encouraging.

All I can think of to say is...You go girl!

mountaindreamer
05-31-2009, 06:34 PM
hi lori,

i can picture you riding around in your truck, sitting by river, listening to the tunes, and letting your tears cleanse your anger. Your faith, your love for your family, and you incredible strength will guide you through this, and i know you will be even stronger....it sucks that you have to be so strong, wish i could carry you on my shoulders, so you could get a break.

Saysusie
06-01-2009, 01:07 PM
Lori;
Anger is a normal emotion...just like happiness, joy, peace, etc. We have to experience all of our emotions or we will be emotionally crippled. It is HOW we choose to experience our emotions that distinguish us from the emotionally crippled. You are a perfect example of how we should strive to work through our anger, see it for what it is (a necessary emotion) and then move on to the emotion that is going to provide us with the strength to take the next step. We cannot do that UNTIL we've worked through the anger.
I have to admit that I am not as mature about my anger as you are. So, like Rob, I often find that I've been gifted with an outrageous flare because I failed to productively work through my anger. So, thank you for giving us this lesson in faith...the faith that you will not only survive this surgery, you will conquer! We are here for you, just as you've been here for us! You are courageous and I truly admire you!

Peace and Blessings
Namaste
Saysusie

NoodleMom
06-02-2009, 04:24 AM
I need that release. Maybe I can find it when Im in Chicago.

Oluwa
06-02-2009, 06:05 AM
Hi Lori...

A revelation, a step towards calm brings our fears to rest...and you are absolutely right, strength and courage doesn't come from the size of the dumbbell, it comes from life. The challenges, the feat to overcome them and truimph...and you my friend have done that...

Soon your surgery day will be behind you...in my prayers you are.

Hugs with love,
Oluwa

mountaindreamer
06-02-2009, 11:27 AM
hi lori,

just want you to know that i am thinking about you, and i hope you are having a good day.

tiggerlishus - Heidi
06-02-2009, 01:06 PM
wow wow double wow lori!!!

i'm so sorry i didn't relise what a rough time you were going throu but i am glad you have come back fighting and i love your words so perfect i am going to add them to the ones i hold close to me and they are

"failure isn't when you fall, its when you stay down. The glory of success is not in never falling , its rising up again and again and again."
-what i say to myself with this one is some times it take me bit longer to get back than it does other times but i always get back up eventually brush my knees off and crack back on with life and enjoying as much of it as i possibly can!!!

my other one is

" yesterday is history tomorrow is a mystery and today is a gift and that is why its called the present!!"

keep fighting babe you got right right frame of mind let us know when you got op and how its goes am thinknig about you huge massive hugs and cuddles xxx

dsunshine
06-02-2009, 01:23 PM
Lori...I am sorry you have to go through this. YOU are always so caring and positive and give THE BEST advice. I love when you post biblical messages as well as that lets me know you walk by faith and not by sight! KEEP WALKING and STANDING and remember God's Promise to his children...By thy stripes I am healed! I know surgery of any kind can be scary...especially since I just had surgery 2 weeks ago but I know you have faith and know you will come out of this just great. I will keep you in my prayers!