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NoodleMom
05-14-2009, 07:20 AM
I am so tired of my life. I hurt and feel so alone inside.

K

gina
05-14-2009, 08:01 AM
you and me both. just want to back up a couple of years when i felt good and wasn't depressed and wake up there.

your not alone i feel the same way if you need to vent just do so i will listen and maybe vent back.

Angel Oliver
05-14-2009, 10:16 AM
Im with you too!! But hang in there you two......in time i hope and pray it will get better.Sometimes...we get so overwhelmed we just carnt see the light at the end of the tunnel.But it does eventually ease.Keep posting....mind needs many posts ......medicine for the mind here.xxxxxx

Sending you gentle hugs
love
Angel.xxxxxxxxxxx

Oluwa
05-14-2009, 10:43 AM
Wanna talk about it, girls....

I know it is hard to stay positive...keeping your spirit in the light. I find if I keep thinking, well, trying to think of positive things, read the positive books, do things to make me feel better or do for another regardless how crappy my thoughts are...because I can go pretty dark, one step from total blackness..it helps to keep me out of the stupid hole.

I was just telling Saysusie...
Being positive, accepting the disease instead of fighting it, denying it...has helped tremendously. I always thought I was positive and upbeat...I was with people...but when I was alone, I would walk aimlessly in my thoughts opening the doors that lead to darkness and it was closing out the light..easy to do. So I learned, why bother to open the door at all...I already know what is in there. I haven't mastered it yet, but as all things with me..I am a work in progress. Always progressing moving forward and not backwards...

I know talking about it helps too...so let it all hang out...you have many ears and hearts here...One set right here now. Mine.

Love and head hugs,
Oluwa

TobyJug
05-14-2009, 10:58 AM
sending u bigg huggs..

xxx

Rastagirl
05-14-2009, 02:30 PM
Big Gentle HUGS Kasey..... :hug: :hug:

Sorry the tunnel is all blocked...and the light has disappeared.

It's still there at the end of that tunnel...and if you need us to, we'll ALL pick you up and carry you through the dark and lonely places inside...if you don't want to go it alone, we'll carry you for awhile until the light appears for you again.

Never let the light go out on your hope...

Much Love...

:heart: Lori

Saysusie
05-15-2009, 09:40 AM
It's amazing how our minds can affect us so. I agree with Oluwa..why open the door at all? I think that, in order to get to where Oluwa is, we have to first recognize and accept that "we are in charge"! That is the most difficult part, especially when we are wracked with pain, loneliness, uncaring people, unrelenting symptoms, and no relief in sight! It is very hard to stay positive given those hinderences. But, as Oluwa also mentioned, it does help to talk to others who completely understand and who are truly sympathetic and who are totally nonjudgemental. That is why we are here, to help one another and to hopefully help you to find your way out of this darkness - especially since almost all of us have felt what you are feeling and have been where you are!

We are here for you and we want only to help you! Keep talking to us!

Always
Saysusie

MicRoMediC
05-15-2009, 09:52 AM
HEY LOOKIE HERE NOODLES! We're all here fo you. Vent. Yell. Scream. Take your meds, then look outside and see the beautiful things in life. Look at the trees, the beautiful colors of the flowers, the bright blue sky, the old couple walking down the street holding hands, the giggling kids playing in the front yards, and you. Look at the little things you have, they're what make life worth living. Think about your glowing personality, your ability to walk and talk and laugh. Take a deep breath and smile. Kiss your kids and husband today and do something for yourself, at least for your sanity. They may not understand what you're feeling or why you do the things you do, but we're here for you. You're NEVER alone. Have a great day.

NoodleMom
05-15-2009, 09:36 PM
Thanks guys. I went to the store and bought flowers to plant. It was the bright spot in my day. Had an echocardiogram today. I may write more tomorrow.

K

Rastagirl
05-15-2009, 09:52 PM
Thanks guys. I went to the store and bought flowers to plant. It was the bright spot in my day. Had an echocardiogram today. I may write more tomorrow.

K

Good to hear from you Kasey. I'm glad you went out and did something for yourself that will bring you good feelings. I hope you're feeling well enough this weekend to plant them. Beautiful plants and flowers are a soothing balm for the aching heart... :heart:

Enjoy your weekend!

:cool2: Lori

p.s. I'll be planting too...we're expect tons of sunshine and 85 degrees Sunday. It'll give me a chance to try out my new Super Sunblock rated at 100+

mountaindreamer
05-15-2009, 09:53 PM
hi kasey,

what kind of flowers did you get today? playing in my yard really helps me. I used to work from sunrise to sunset in the yard, and would then walk around with a glass of wine and admire my accomplishments. Now, i go out and play for a few minutes and rush inside. Life changes, and it can definitely be depressing. This is when we have to find a new accomplishment to admire....such as planting a new flower.

so sorry you are having a difficult time.....it can be so hard to pull ourselves out of this dark room. We are here (when my computer lets me know about new threads) and any/all of us will help you brighten your room with sunshine and spring flowers.

Oluwa
05-16-2009, 05:54 AM
Kasey...

Flowers are such pick me up, eh...every week they have new ones at the store, nursery. I am still waiting on ginger to make its way out..in?

I take pictures of mine as they open with gorgeous colors...and how the stamen seems to dance. They say if you vase the flowers, pinch them out, but I love them as they create color dust about my table...so I don't.

I use to get so frustrated because it was even difficult digging a hole, hands and fingers throbbed and swelled, back burned but now I go slow, methodically, easy like in a trance watching the dirt fall and with each shovel I listen to the birds coo, and chirp about. Listen to the world creates a calm within me, my body and not tense with frustration. Cheesy, but I am a bit corny.

Times I would just want to fling the shovel and toss the plant in the trash...Not no more...by yard is blooming...

Enjoy more happy day, Kasey...hugs.

Love,
Oluwa

NoodleMom
05-16-2009, 06:08 AM
I bought two hanging baskets of impatiens, several violas that I will put in pots, two tomato plants and a strawberry plant.

Im going to get a massage this morning and then we are going to look for summer clothes for the kids. Maybe get to planting later today otherwise for sure tomorrow.

I am still feeling crappy emotionally. Its a vicious circle. I hurt, then Im stressed because I hurt so I hurt more and so on and so on and so on. Life is really just not fair (big surprise :nah:) I am so frustrated with parenting this crew of mine. I have such a hard time with them. The are acting out big time. I could go on to explain each one and what is going on with them but it would take too long ya know. There are six of them here at home, each with their own set of issues and disorders. Just suffice it to say that I am overwhelmed with trying to meet each oned needs(which are huge)
I used to homeschool b/4 I got sick. I cant do that anymore. This is where the irony is. Several of them are having a rough time in school. The schools here are awful. I know that if I brought them home to homeschool again that things would be much better for them I know what to do to help them but I am not able to do it. Then there is the whole I cannot deal with them well anymore as their behavior along with my lack of strength, patience and coping skills do not match up.
Can I just be honest and say I hate parenting this crew. This is all tied up with my illness and all that it has taken from me. How do I reconcile that?

TobyJug
05-16-2009, 06:18 AM
Kasey......

hang in there.....

hug... xx

ButterflyRN
05-16-2009, 07:04 AM
Kasey sorry you are having a rough time....parenting and feeling depressed.

I do not have kids (and not sure if I'll get that gift) and I too have been battling some depression lately. My pain has increased so much that I frequently say "I don't want to live". It's hard for my husband to deal with that. He wants the fighter in me to come out. And while I know she is barried deep down in there, sometimes I don't know how to pull her out. When you are in complete pain and it hurts to even move your arms, it's hard to not feel depressed. I feel like I'm losing my spirt sometimes and it's hard, as we all don't want to feel this way.

Okay, to brighten your day I am watching my 106 lb old english sheep dog roll over on his back and try to sleep....it's pretty funny!

Kasey, I hope things get better for you soon! Do you have any family around that can help you? I am lucky to have my 19 year old brother visiting me while my hubby is out of town to help me out around my house. But he lives back in PA and other then him visiting me I don't get any additional help. It's just me and my hubby.

Hugs your way and feel better soon!

mountaindreamer
05-16-2009, 09:05 AM
OMG kasey, six kids and all acting up....you are rightfully depressed, i would have already dug a hole and buried myself in the back yard.

wish i could find words to make it better, can you ship them off somewhere else for a few days while you regain your strength?

I can't imagine how difficult it is to deal with everything that lupus puts you through while having a bunch of kids are doing their best to make you feel worse. As far as doing "enough", i am finding that for many kids, we can never do enough, so do what is right for you and don't worry if they think it is enough.

Angel Oliver
05-16-2009, 10:13 AM
Wow and i thought i had problems with a dog and 2 cats.....thats allot of stresses to cope with!! You need an award!!! Can you not get away on your own for a day....get up early and visit someone...to get you out? Or can you not sit down with every one and tell them YOU NEED HELP? Wish i had the answer.Maybe lock yourself in the bathroom and just soak and try and relax for an hour....all alone...just you.

Sending you hugs
love
Amanda.xxxxxxxxxx