View Full Version : Is there a way to increase libido?

04-23-2009, 07:27 AM
It's been a very long time since I've been on this site and I must say that I think it is a great one. I have been in a great and committed relationship with my partner for about 3 years now. She was diagnosed with lupus last year. Before then we were both very "lively" young adults with high libido and always had good intimate fun together. But now lupus has taken all that away and it has gotten to a point where I feel like I'm begging for intimacy and she either can't get into it or if it's been long enough, will give in because she doesn't want me to feel bad...but then she ends up getting injured or in pain a few minutes into it.

She knows I support her 100% and just want to have the intimacy partners should have...and that my libido is at a normal level....and I know hers is not but that she wants intimacy too...but her body doesn't want to cooperate.

Is there anything out there that can increase libido for lupus patients? I know all the medicines on top of the symptoms can drag a person down...but is there something...even natural perhaps that can work?

05-15-2009, 10:11 AM
The biggest natural libido increaser for women is "AFFECTION". Women love to make love..this does not always mean sexual intercourse. If she feels affection, warmth, acceptance, & understanding from the man, she will respond accordingly.
This disease causes us debilitating fatigue..not just being tired, but feeling as if we are (as a friend put it) under a lead blanket and just cannot move. It is important that you understand her fatigue - it is unlike anything that a healthy person experiences. Imagine you've just run a 26 mile marathon in 102 degrees of desert heat with no water and no rest stops, and imagine that you've done this while at the same time having the worst flu you've ever had in your life! Imagine feeling that way 24 hours/day...7 days/week. How anxious would you be to engage in any activity that does not bring you a sense of love, understanding, and affection??? And remember, the fatigue is only ONE of many symptoms that she is suffering from!
Now, imagine that you do get the sense of love, understanding and affection that you need, so you are willing to engage in sexual activity. Wouldn't doing so be even a greater gift that you are giving, considering what you are hindered with??
Give her the gifts that she needs and I can guarantee that she will give the gift of herself.

Peace and Blessings

05-15-2009, 11:01 AM
I agree with saysussie one other suggestions is the mornings are better for me the day hasn't started so i am worn out from fatigue but not the rest of the things i do durning the day. so i rather do it in the morning, that might help. and hold her caress her first we do need the affection more so.

05-27-2009, 07:45 PM
I too suffer from no sex drive...I think cause I was in soooo much pain and could only think and focus on being out of pain. I agree with saysussie...AFFECTION is the key to getting women in the mood with or without Lupus. WE LOVE foreplay/affection, massages, soft kisses on our necks or hands, etc. I hope things pick up for you both and painfree intimacy!

05-28-2009, 09:49 AM
Susie hit it straight on.

Intimacy should not add to our discomfort and pain but it does. Ours has changed and we are both enjoying it. We have discovered calm gentle quiet intimacy is much more pleasurable. Justing being still together, looking into each others eyes, talking about how much we mean to each other whether it leads to the act or not is where we start.

05-28-2009, 06:33 PM
ALCOHOL!!! (I am just kidding!) I agree with the rest of the gals. It is easiest for me to be in the mood when I feel companionship, understanding, affection, and also when I feel like he is just not there for him, but me too! Being attentive to a woman is one of the sexiest things I think a guy can do. Along with the physical, we also need mental and emotional stimulation. :yes:

05-28-2009, 07:47 PM
ALCOHOL!!! (I am just kidding!) I agree with the rest of the gals. It is easiest for me to be in the mood when I feel companionship, understanding, affection, and also when I feel like he is just not there for him, but me too! Being attentive to a woman is one of the sexiest things I think a guy can do. Along with the physical, we also need mental and emotional stimulation. :yes:

LOL sure git her liquered up...that'l do it! Bring her some flowers and tequila.

06-09-2009, 10:01 AM
What about any herbal supplements or something? Been there, done that with all of your suggestions. It doesn't work. Lupus always wins.

11-03-2009, 07:03 AM
My husband and I have been struggling with the same problems. I recently got my hormone levels checked and discovered that my DHEA levels were <15 which was crazy low. Apparently this is a precursor to some of the other hormones like testosterone (which I was also very low in). I started taking a supplement for DHEA and so far I have noticed some increase in libido but it has only been a few weeks.

As far as the DHEA goes the wild yam products I have read are bogus and while you can buy it over the counter getting a prescription for it or finding a OTC that meets high standards is probably your best bet. I read that there have been some studies looking at the effect of DHEA supplements on lupus patients and it was said that it can help with pain as well.

I do want to say though, I definitely agree with the first message. Having a low libido to me means that it takes a lot more than just giving her a look like, "You wanna?" :cute: Instead of keeping the destination in mind, focus more on the journey?

Once again, still testing this myself, but thought I would mention.

Pat H
02-18-2010, 08:47 PM
I'm 57 years old and was diagnosed with lupus and fybromyalgia several years ago, and just diagnosed with diabetes this week, probably from the prednisone which I can't function without it .Most of the coments are from women with lupus and your advise on the journey is something men should keep in the front of their mind. Before Lupus I was always in the mood. I was 10 to 15 years younger, and back then talking to my male friends they were to. But guess what ? our wives didn't share the same enthusiam and I felt better knowing that I wasn't alone. It still hurt my feelings, alot. I think men forget how to date or about the journey. I really believe that most middle aged men that tell there friends they do it all the time are not truthful. Now that I have Lupus I'm never in the mood. I'm in control now.I don't get rejected because I'm not in the mood. Every night and most days I feel so fatigued and I hurt more then non Lupus and Fybro people can understand. I don't mean they have never experienced my (our) level of pain or fatigue, but not 24/7 up and down with no end in sight, just workin towards illness exceptance. SO as far as libido goes I believe MOST men are different than women. So be ready young guys, you better listen to these women or your woman won't be in the mood.I'm do my best to excepted my illnesses. I've always been a workaholic. I do to much and pay the price. Every year I give my wife an out around our anniversary usually during a time of depression(which always passes). What a great wife I have. OH! I said I'm never in the mood but I know she knows she can get me in the mood. Men remember the journey and that usually things change as we are longer into a relationship. I had to go to school (counseling)to find this out and I recommend it. Get counseling and learn about them and maybe libido won't be so important. Good luck from Pat H

02-19-2010, 03:05 PM
A nice, relaxing massage with a nicely scented oil usually works for me. The massage helps my aches and pains and usually leads elsewhere!
I don't care how much pain I'm in, it's easy to get me into the mood. Just think, those endorphins that your body releases when you're having fun :> can actually make the pain feel better , or at least get your mind off of it!
Yes, there is a reason that I have 5 children!

03-29-2010, 11:04 AM
This has been an ongoing issue between my hubby and me. To his credit, he does try to put my pleasure first, but, he still is so frustrated when he doesn't "get some" my words not his, as often as he thinks he is supposed to. He watches things like Dr Oz, and applies what he hears to us, when we are not at all like an average couple. He feels denied, and deprived of a healthy sex life since his estimation of one has to do with frequency even though he says quality is just as important. He thinks we need to be intimate at least 3 to 8 times a week, because Dr Oz says it will put ten years on our lives. Call me crazy, but, if I have to maintain that pace I think I would rather give up that ten years to stop the insanity sooner.

I have talked to him, and he says he knows about my fatigue and pain, and he also says he feels it could be worked around. When we discuss it he gets defensive at the mere mention of possibly not having sex as often as he thinks we should, or, he goes totally the other way and says he'll just have to accept that his sex life is basically over. No guilt there.

Don't get me wrong, I do like to be intimate with my husband, and I wish and often fantasize that we had the sex life of two 20 year olds in perfect, vigorous health. When it comes time to fulfill that dream, I just can't. I often find myself more interested in intimacy earlier in the day, not mornings because Im still struggling from the pain of trying to sleep and needing to get my body moving, but, more like afternoons and early evening. That isn't always convenient based on other things we have going on, like work, things to do with the kids, etc.

Im not sure how to help him find satisfaction in our intimacy without freaking him out about things having to change at all. The mention of change in intimacy makes him panic and throws him into a mid life crisis. Being 51 and 50 respectively, he is already panicked at the notion that he himself is approaching a time in his life where his own libido will decrease, he doesnt want to give away a single year.

03-29-2010, 08:37 PM
Maybe we're unusual, but we're 52 and 53 and we're having a great time! The last kid married and moved out, we packed up and moved to the west coast, and my hubby went back to college. He's been acting like our college days, too!
On the evening that he gives me my MTX shot, I want nothing more than a gentle massage and to curl up to try to sleep. The rest of the week, I'm receptive to almost anything. Even if I haven't been feeling too great that day, a bit of gentle intimacy makes me feel relaxed and sleepy. My knees can't take my weight anymore, which makes me feel a bit bad. I'm just not as lively as I used to be, while my hubby is just as athletic as ever.
However, we work around my sore joints and muscles.
It's fun to relive the college days. We're going to college parties and enjoying walks on the beach. Life is good! The AI issues just slow me down a little.