View Full Version : Feeling Depressed Today

04-16-2009, 08:01 PM
Hi All,

I'm sorry that I am writing about feeling down but today I have been feeling extreamly depressed. I feel as if back in Aug 08 my life basically ended. I had an amazing job that I will not be able to ever return to. I might in the future if the doc can get my body able to work be able to work at a different part of the company. I don't know if anyone has heard of CVS/Caremark but if you have I worked for the Caremark side of the company which is the mail order side. Now I can get my pharmacy tech license but right now I feel like why even bother cause i can't work anyways. I'm on meds that aren't doing anything and now i have a new symptom that would be the best way to discribed as brail bumps in the corner of my mouth and on my right arm. Has anyone had that happen to them? The bumps are raised white bumps that look like a brail board. I cried myself to sleep lastnight cause I just felt so hopeless and today I don't really feel better emotionally. Any advice is always appreated.


04-16-2009, 08:56 PM
Sorry you feel so bad. Lupus can make you feel very sad at times? Could you take classes on the Internet? Sounds like you loved you job. Do you have other things you enjoy doing? I have bumps on my face like that right now. I know how you feel. I get very down to at times. When your feeling like that keep coming back here. People here are very helpful. I get a lot of support here myself.

Angel Oliver
04-17-2009, 02:11 AM
Oh Maria,

I feel your deep pain. What you need to remember is ,as bad as you feel...always remember it does pass.
I went through such deep depression and severe anxiety that did not ease for a very long time. It got to the point i thought...whats the point. You know what....IT DID PASS. I still suffer with it now, but i tell you....its eased allot.
Keeping your mind busy,reading books,even if you dont remember what you just read. I used to read Susan Jeffers 'Feel the fear and do it anyway' and also Ease the struggle dance with life'. Dont remember all of it...but it really got me through it. Hot baths,relaxation techniques and NOT being alone in your head.So ake sure i see you more on here.Even just a quick hello.I tell you,recently ive been so distressed.This forum has kept me sane....ok i say sane, dont think ive ever been sane....but you kow what i mean.Gives me something to think about.Even on my darkest day...a peep in here....my mind thinks oh...ok...i feel like crap....but i put a reply to a post...before i know it....ive not thought of my troubles and like this post...you are keeping me occupied.....so im not worrying about this afternoon.....the machine im scared of ...MRI.See what i mean! I know you will not think you can be bothered to lif your head off the pillow...you want to be left alone.Believe me..that wont help.Company is what you need, lots of attention,hugs,positive words and love.We can give you that.Maybe not in person....but just think.Im in cold and windy Manchester and today in that machine..if i make it...i'll be thinking of you.Sending you good vibes.I hope your Dctor knows how you are feeling.I hope he helps your bumps....if you were in the dark and felt your bumps....i bet it would be spelling out...SWITCH ON YOUR COMPUTER AND GO TO WHL FOR HELP AND SUPPORT :) Always try and see the funny side even at your lowest.I find humour lifts me. You find humur in this forum from members who are going through the unimaginable.You all inspire me.So brave!

Im thinking of you now and sending you good and loving vibes.If you dont ever want to chat...just switch on and watch us all.We'll feel you are there.Join in at any point.Oh and the mouth sores are i think normal for LUpus.Just hang in there.Others members will come and post and help you.

lots of love

P.s Forgot to say i have a rash on both tops of arms look purple but its noticeable,not raised>If i can tmrw i'll take a phot of my lost hair.To Me its allot,but its not at all and i'll take photo of my arms. ISDM has taken a photo of her malar rash.Go to Louris lounge and i think the thread is photos of you by tobyjug.I'll try and fin it to bring it to the front so you can peep in. You are not alone!

04-17-2009, 05:23 AM
hi maria,

i hope you were able to get sleep last night. Being depressed is one of the most difficult aspects of any chronic illness. We feel bad each day over and over, and eventually, we just give in to it and really feel like crap. I am so sorry that you are experiencing this....

you have probably told us, but please tell us what meds you are one. There are a lot of people here who can tell you if any of the meds might increase depression. Angel gave you very good advice....i too use this forum to get through these times, and i get lost in meaningless tv....i like to leave the tv on HGTV, eases my mind, and i don't dwell on my misery.

keep posting, we will help you through this.

04-17-2009, 07:01 AM
Hi you...Maria...

Why bother? Oh, there are many reasons to bother....Life goes on, and we try anything to be apart of it. Go, for your Pharmacy Technician license...you never know what the future holds. When able..do.

You may find it will lift your depression being active...can you pace the classes?

Participating in life, and not folding it and stuffing it in the drawer helps...even if it is on the smallest scale.

Have you had your prescribed medication regimen re-evaluated...maybe a tweak here or there will control your symptoms more...what are you dosing with now?

The bumps could be a clogged hair follicle...a sweat gland.. Are they hard, do they itch? Is there a head or like a white pearl under the skin?

Having Lupus we are susceptible to many things that are not necessarily the cause of Lupus...it is just our immune system is so out of whack...

Have you been to a dermatologist?


04-17-2009, 07:33 AM
Hi Maria,

Just yesterday, I started a thread about my depression. People often see me as a "strong" person, someone who doesn't let Lupus get to him, but sometimes it does. Many times, Lupus causes changes in the brain that can bring on a sudden, profound depression that's hard to explain. It's like it just switches on. Other times, the emotional torment of losing a career, losing friends, the loss of so many things we worked so hard for, can be devastating. I had a dream of starting my own business since I was very young. After many years of schooling, and struggling, it finally happened. I found myself with a small factory, 20 plus employees, and success beyond my wildest dreams. And then Lupus took it all away. I've been on full disability for almost five years now. I still get angry, and depressed thinking about how much I've lost.

But Maria, please know that I also have many good days, and I learn new ways to cope with the disease, and the depression every day. If I can get through all this, so can you. I am familiar with CVS/Caremark. I agree with Oluwa, definitely go for your pharmacy tech license. Lupus is so unpredictable, which so many of us look at as being a bad thing, but it's so unpredictable that you could suddenly get better, some people even go into remission. I stay caught up on all the technical innovations that are going on in my former field of work, because if I have a significant remission, I'm going to re-start my career. Maybe not on such a large scale, but I would get back into the mix and open a smaller operation. I know things seem hopeless right now, and it's OK to feel that way. You have had so much taken away from you. But, this will pass, and you will learn a "new normal". It's not easy, but it will happen. The advice given to you by the others here are all good ideas and good ways to cope. As far as the white bumps, I've never had that myself. I get a red, leathery rash on my ankles all the time. You could probably benefit from seeing a dermotologist.

Just hang in there the best way you can, and take it easy on yourself. Take things one day at a time. You are not alone, believe me, we understand how you are feeling, and what you are going through. Encouragement, support, and understanding are available here 24/7 356 days a years. Don't be afraid to talk, vent, cry, laugh, whatever you need to do here. We'll listen.


04-17-2009, 11:41 AM
we all go thru depression at one point or another with this disease.

just to let you know that i am right now not feeling pain or fatigue so there are good days. its been going on for at least a week now. knock on wood. i have other issues but it so nice not too hurt or be fatigue.
so keep in mine there are good days.

i read the book secrets about postive thinking i am reading it again and maybe thats why i feel better. not sure just going to enjoy it.

please continue with your studies for pharm. tech you never know what the future has in store and better to do what you can while you can.
you might start feeling better and wish you finished what you started. keep thinking postive
and you have the people on this site to vent to they are always here for you.


04-17-2009, 01:35 PM
Thank you all for the warm and positive comments. Regarding my pharm tech license all I have to do is fill out a application and send in 50.00. Now if I want to be board certified then I have to eighter take classes or just go and do the exam and that costs a lot more money. Meds that i am on :Methoxtrate, Prednisone, Folic acid, Generic Prevacid, Plaquenil, Hydrocodone, and Ibproufen. If u want exact doses let me know. Today isn't a bad day but not a good day eighter my feet feel like i have been on them for 8+ hours straight and I haven't been on them at all and my hands it really hurts to type. They are very stiff and sore. I will talk to everyone soon.

04-17-2009, 02:16 PM
Where do you go to College. My niece just graduated form Pharmacy School this this month. She went to UNC Chapel Hill. Hope you can continue your Ed. Hope you feel better soon. I went to a community college and took Child Development and Cosmetology, can't do both now because of standing. But now, found a niche, Trying to do manicures and pedicures for shut-ins but haven't got everything worked out yet. Doing that I'm up and down!!! Hope you find a niche in the Pharmacy world. You have a lot to offer people with chronic illnesses!!!

04-17-2009, 02:36 PM
Hi Maria
Sorry to hear about your bout of depression. What I have learned from being on this site is IT IS OKAY to vent about being depressed or Angry or whatever mood you are in so don't apologize. I was diagnosed in Nov. 2008 and along with being depressed the man I was with for 2 years whom I thought I was going to marry and have kids with left me at the height of being sick. Battling the pain physically of Lupus along with emotional pain of a broken heart left me in a crazy state of being. I was overwhelmed to say the least. Finally, after Lupus flare up settled down and I was able to return to work I noticed I was depressed as now my mind was able to focus on the emotional scares all this had left me with. I decided to see a therapist much to my families disapproval. I had doubts as well but I can say whatever i want and not be judged just as I feel I can do on this site. I believe therapy along with venting or stating what I am going through or feelin on this site help a great deal. This site has helped me find a very understanding and supportive family to say the least. YES my real family supports and tries to understand but the truth is unless they have Lupus they don't understand the mood swings, isolation, depression, highs and lows. IF you are able to I would suggest seeing a therapist to help you comb through your depression and feelings that Lupus seems to kick up. I see my therapist once a week, every Saturday at 11am. I don't like giving up my saturday mornings but it helps me get up, get showered, dressed, and out the house instead of sitting around moping or feeling sorry for myself that I don't have a boyfriend/mate or children at this point.
Lastly, I have learned its okay to be depressed. This is not your fault and I know that if you and I didn't have Lupus we wouldn't go through the motion of all these emotions. VENT AWAY!

04-17-2009, 02:36 PM
Keep fighting sweetie! This disease does suck, and like others I go on a roller coaster mood wise often. I was nurse 17yrs! I had to quit 6 months ago, so I know the way you are feeling! I say go for your Pharm tech License with full force! Dont know you yet! but would like to give you big hugggggggggggggggggggggg! Kathy
Thank you all for the warm and positive comments. Regarding my pharm tech license all I have to do is fill out a application and send in 50.00. Now if I want to be board certified then I have to eighter take classes or just go and do the exam and that costs a lot more money. Meds that i am on :Methoxtrate, Prednisone, Folic acid, Generic Prevacid, Plaquenil, Hydrocodone, and Ibproufen. If u want exact doses let me know. Today isn't a bad day but not a good day eighter my feet feel like i have been on them for 8+ hours straight and I haven't been on them at all and my hands it really hurts to type. They are very stiff and sore. I will talk to everyone soon.

04-17-2009, 02:45 PM
I'm not in school cause for one I have student loans in default and I can't afford it. In order to get your pharmacy tech license you don't need to go to school. If you want to be board certified then you have to take an exam and pass it. I was doing a at home course until I wasn't able to afford it since i have been on disability. Tell your neice for me that I am very proud of her completeing her education in pharmacy. I am so glad that you found your niche in what you love to do. I was doing amazing at my job which was doing data entry and general office stuff, but with the company that I am employed with there is unlimited growth potential and that is one reason I am so depressed cause I want to work so bad and my body won't have it. Now if there was a way I could Telecommute to work then my doctor would let me work but unfortunally there isn't anything that I am able to do cause they aren't set up for that. I think I will send in the form in the next couple of weeks when I have the money just so that I do have my pharmacy tech license and that way if the doc does eventually let me go back to work then I might be able to work store side in the pharmacy part not the retail side. I love working with people the only thing is that I can't stand on my feet for long periods of time so that would have to be worked out. Again this at this point is just a pipe dream cause my last doc wanted me to start appling for SSI. I feel that if I do that then all i am is another person that wants to live off the government and that goes aginst all that I stand for. I know that is not true but its how i feel.

04-17-2009, 05:19 PM
Ria, If the doctor wants you to go on SSI then maybe you should. You might just be on it temporarily. It's for people like you, that need it. Just think of it as time to make yourself well. Hope you have a good night and you will start feeling better soon.

04-17-2009, 05:56 PM
I hate the days when sadness seems to overshadow everything else in my life. I have found a new light . . . This website and the wonderful people I have met in just the short time I have been a member. We may not be able to help with your physical problems, and we may not always have the answers to your lifes problems, but there is one thing we can do for you . . . give you support and friendship and may you know that it will ALWAYS be there!

04-17-2009, 06:45 PM
Maria, Don't feel depress becuase life is to short . you have love ones that care for you and they probably don't like to see you like that . i been in the same boat . when it happen to me i was a sinlge parent with 4 kids . if you need to talk to someone e-mail i will be here to talk to

maria :)

04-18-2009, 11:29 AM
Im late getting this thought to you Maria but i just wanted to tell you that you're in my heart and my thoughts. Those days can be VERY difficult but you have US and the others gave you GREAT advice that i also ditto! CHIN UP SWEETIE, you have people who care and are here! HUGSXXXXXXXXXX

04-18-2009, 11:56 AM
hi maria,

i truly understand your hesitency with SSI, but remember, you have worked so you have paid into the SSI system, therefore, you would be getting your own money back.

you have earned this support, so i vote for following the drs. advice.

04-18-2009, 12:05 PM
Nicely put Phyllis! That is a GREAT way to look at it!! WOO HOO to you on that one! (and of course many others as well!) LOL:laugh:

04-18-2009, 04:22 PM
Thanks again for all the positvie comments. I will work on the SSI stuff soon.