PDA

View Full Version : Trouble In Paradise!!!



SandraC1983
03-23-2009, 12:14 AM
First off I would love to say hello to everyone. I hope everyone is doing ok . I have missed you all so much. Now for my DILEMA.Its a long one and I need advice before i do something really DUMB. On monday of last week my husband came home around midnight. I was really upset. So before he went to bed i looked through his phone. And found a text message from some girl Named Irene. She sent him a message saying "hurry up get it" I didn't tell him anything at the time and come Tuesday morning i sent him a message and told him i was sorry for looking through his phone and asked him who this girl was. Of course me as a female i was really upset about it and cried . Not one minute after i sent him that message he called me telling me she was someone he met at the bar and needed help from someone to help her get her kids back. I say HORSE CRAP. He told me not to worry and on Wed. He told me I called that girl and she wants to meet you so you wont think im cheating on you . Well Wed night my husband, his coworkers and I went to go eat and i was suppose to meet her then. Before we got to the resturant he told me she is not coming we can meet Friday just us three. So i said ok. Thrusday night she sent him another text message and she asked " are you coming" I had his phone and i was confused and asked him and he didn't tell me anything so i left it alone. Well Come friday his coworker called me and she said can you come to work and come see the puppies . So he told me to go. I went and me and her began to have a conversation and she asked me if we fixed the problem. I told her no and that i was still really upset about i cried to her and i told i had never done anything to hurt him. I have always treated him so well. His coworker then told me the mother came out in me and i told him what he was doing was wrong only women that come up to you and ask for help from someone they don't even know esp what she does for a living i was more confused and i began to get more pissed off ....................... I then ask her well what does she do for a living. She told me" She is a Stripper" I am suppose to meet with her tomorrow at lunch but I am afraid that i just might blow up in her face and slap her . Im so hurt and i don't know what to do tomorrow so please I live in mountain time if anyone can reply to this message before noon my time i would really appreciate it. Oh i didn't get to meet her friday either she sent him a message and i had his phone and i told her this is his wife can i help . She asked me if we were meeting friday i told her to be honest with you this whole situation with you talking to my husband is causing drama and to much stress on me and its making me sick. I also told her that she was in a situation that she needs to resolve on her own and not ask random married men for help. She then told me she had a boyfriend which i thinks its crap and that she would never cheat on him. i told her to delete his number and not to text him again i gave her my cell and told her i wanted to meet with her Monday at lunch.


thanks for listening everyone

Oluwa
03-23-2009, 03:33 AM
Sandra...

I have to ask...Why are you mad at the girl, stripper...I would be with my husband if it was me in your situation?

I would get the answers from him and if you don't believe him, would you believe her? If you do approach her, your anger should be with your husband and not her...this is just my take.

Has he done this before? Because I wonder why the mistrust in the beginning to look at his cell log...

Has there been red flags?

Treating him well, has nothing to do with your situation if he is/was cheating..people cheat regardless...

I would seek marriage counseling...because you will always be looking at his cell, looking for dishonesty regardless what his or her answers will be...

Hope this helps.
Love,
Oluwa

gina
03-23-2009, 05:21 AM
What does your husband do to help anyone? Second how would he know a stripper. And married men don't help women they don't know. you should be pissed at him and only him if he's not a doc or lawyer. I would never allow or permitt my husband knowing a stripper it means he had to go see her several times if not one of the above jobs. you should havn't give her your cell number and call the cell company and see if you can get her number blocked from his and yours phone. you shouldn't go see her. she can tell you a bunch of lies.

take it from someone who cheated on their husband told him and lost everything. we don't talk to strangers unless unhappy or want to help strangers unless unhappy i think theres more to this than you think and really need to get to bottom of it before he crosses the line and its too late. you should go see a marriage counslor. so you can save this.

Angel Oliver
03-23-2009, 06:01 AM
HI,

Wow, your mind must be sending you mad with this one. I was in a similar situation, an old boyfriend.

Something in your gut knows the truth in this. Why check the mobile? Like Oluwa asked....red flags before?

If you do meet up with this woman, remember, your husband has started this not her.He should have said NO into helping her knowing he was married or told you about it straight away.How does he know her and where from? I would be very hurt if my boyfriend, husband was helping a woman who he didnt really know and i found out she was a stripper. Of course i suppose strippers can be lovely people and it is just a job for them.But id not feel comfortable my partner to be looking at other women in a strip club,without my knowledge, cause how else would he have got to know her? I would also ask why was he doing it?

Something in your relationship has told you to check his mobile. Good luck with the meeting if you go.Hope it all sorts itself out one way or another.

thinking of you
love
Angel.xxxx

SandraC1983
03-23-2009, 07:08 AM
oluwa, thats the thing we have always trusted eachother there are times he looks through my phone and texts my friends and asks them to take me out places etc. But that night something told me to look at his phone i had this bad feeling in the pit of my stomache that just told me to look. He tends to hides things from me because he thinks im going to get mad. Of course i am going to get mad when he hides it. the reason i am also mad at this women is because my husbands coworker told her and my husband told her he was married and she continued texting him . So she knows he is married. I don't know what else to do im just so upset and crushed. I shouldn't have looked in his phone. But there should be trust in the relationship he should have told me I wouldnt have been this upset if he just wouldn't have lied to me.

mountaindreamer
03-23-2009, 07:17 AM
i went through a terrible time with my first husband. i subjected myself to many years of different affairs (his) with lots of different excuses for the "friendship". all resulted in the same....their story was a cover up,

i had one of the girls want to meet me...at first i said ok, then, decided that no this would just be unfair to me, so i declined. i am so glad that i did not meet her, then i would have to see her face in my mind as i dealt with reality each day.

so sorry you are going through this. you can put a block on his phone, but it will not stop his actions....only he can do this. hopefully HE will fix this and regain your trust....stand strong for what is right and wrong, and what you need to make this better.

so sorry you are dealing with this....it has been 30 years since my experience, and i still feel the pain when i here your story.

i agree, the anger should be toward your husband....it does not matter how "good" you are,,,,this is about his selfishness.

keep us posted , remember to keep yourself important.

Oluwa
03-23-2009, 07:29 AM
Sandra...

Lets say, the stripper says she will stopping calling or it was the truth she needed help with getting her children back...or you slapped her..

Then what?

From this day forward will you believe him or will you look and weigh his words looking for deceit? Will you look for 'evidence'...smell clothes...search his text messages? Follow him...?

If you find yourself questioning your instinct, if you find yourself going through his cell..after you believe him, you need to seek counseling..as that is not a life to lead..

Frankly, if you supposedly hide things from one another, because of anger issues...another reason to seek counseling.

Find the answers you need for this, but do it without anger otherwise it will grow even bigger than what it is..it will spill into everything in your relationship if it isn't already.

You wrote...'But there should be trust in the relationship he should have told me I wouldnt have been this upset if he just wouldn't have lied to me.'

Indeed, there should be trust...a relationship can not grow, flourish without it...

Love,
OLuwa

DrinkofWtr
03-23-2009, 07:54 AM
When you lose trust in your significant other, it can drive you crazy. I had this problem with my boyfriend when I first met him. Fortunately, the trust has grown over the years and I have no reason not to trust him now. If the situation changes in the future, I will handle it then.

Saysusie
03-23-2009, 12:51 PM
You've been given lots of information and advice already. I am posting this on Monday afternoon (California time) and am assuming that you've met with her already. I am hoping and praying that you chose not to meet with her because, as has been said already, she will more than likely only lie to you.
If you have met with her, I am guessing that it did nothing to alleviate your pain or to assuage your feelings.
As has been mentioned to you by others, the big issue is the lack of trust and that has been shattered by your husband. There was no way that she could have gotten his cell phone number unless he gave it to her. That act, in and of itself, was only the end result of his decision to betray your trust; and it was HIS DECISION.
Now, his decision may have been based on unhappiness. But that does not mean that he is unhappy WITH YOU! It sounds as if he has some issues with his own self-esteem if he feels the need to begin a relationship with a stripper while being married. What kind of self-esteem booster can you get from a relationship with a stripper? I mean, he did not make a decision to begin a relationship with a righteous woman who is secure about herself and her future (well, that kind of woman would probably not go near a married man..so the situation sort of speaks for itself, doesn't it?)
Counseling is a good means of dealing with this situation. I am suggesting counseling for yourself as a definite! If he wants to salvage this marriage, he will participate in couples counseling; but you should make sure that you get counseling for yourself so that you can get the help that you need to make a decision that is best for you and that will provide you with some peace of mind as well as an ability to move forward, no matter what your decision may be.
I wish you the very best and my heart goes out to you.

Peace and Blessings
Namaste
Saysusie

mountaindreamer
03-23-2009, 03:51 PM
you know sandra,

i agree with saysusie. you might consider getting counseling for yourself....if hubby wants to save the marriage, he will join in, but at least you will get the needed support to make the right decision for you. Even when there is no guilt, just getting past the trust issue can be very taxing in the individuals and the couple.

BonusMom
03-23-2009, 08:14 PM
Let me tell you, as a private investigator, I get asked all the time about cheating spouses. People could save a lot of money if they would only trust their gut. Ninety nine out of one hundred-their instincts are dead on. The stripper, co-worker, best friend isn't the one you should direct your anger at. Your cheating partner is responsible for making the decision to cheat, not the "other" person. S/he didn't get your husband's phone number off the bathroom wall. Don't meet this woman, talk to her or otherwise engage in any dialogue with her. Run, don't walk, to a counselor (with or without your husband) to support you through this. From personal experience, I can tell you that it makes no difference what you did/didn't do around the house or how many times a week you had sex. If the person is inclined to cheat, nothing you do will prevent it from happening.

Just my two cents.

sick n tired
03-23-2009, 08:35 PM
Oh Sandra...how awful

Like the other's have said, you need to talk to someone, a counselor...this needs to be something you do for you. If he chooses to come to then it might be a sign that he wants to work on the marriage and that he is in it for the long haul, but irregardless of weather he comes or not you go...

Understand...like Bonus mom and others said, there is Nothing you have done to cause this...people like this will do it anyway...It was his decision and she was able to latch on but it was his decision.


BTW...who wouldn't get mad that their husband was in a strip club giving a stripper no less his number? He is just using that as an excuse.

Silentscream
03-24-2009, 05:55 AM
She is a stripper.
He is a man.

Choose one:
A) He is a real nice guy getting involved in a custody dispute for a stranger. It has nothing to do with the fact she is a hot stripper. So look the other way.

B) Almost all men cheat. Has nothing to do with how wonderful you are. Men are children at heart and love the ego boost. They can separate loving their wives from a romp in the hay.

Sounds like an unfair situation. Hope it all works out for you.

Grime
03-24-2009, 07:29 AM
After reading this thread you don't need a counselor you need an attorney. No matter what you do or he does the trust will never be there. When you are doing wrong side business your mind will wonder if he is with you are somewhere else.

As you ladies see it us men are all cheaters and will always be cheaters.
I disagree. I've been married 3 time. Both ex's cheated on me and I have never cheated on a partner. If my wife cheated on me I would be gone. No question ask. Gone.

The way the world is today with women waring next to nothing. I think you ladies know what I mean. Yes it is very hard to be faithful. You make it hard on us to be faithful. In reality you don't dress for us you dress for other women.

So its not all our fault.

mountaindreamer
03-24-2009, 08:04 AM
hi grime

sorry if we hit a nerve, i was not trying to imply that cheating is gender related. a cheater is a cheater no matter gender, age, race, etc. my ex has done the same to his new wife as he did to me with her. you are right, it is the trust issue that is truly damaged here, and that is so hard to regain.

a cheater does not care how a person is dressed. however, slanky dress does let the cheater know that it is ok to pursue. man or woman.

Grime
03-24-2009, 08:23 AM
No you didn't hit a nerve. I just want to shed a little light from a mans point of view.

One problem with men is that they don't grow up until they get into the 30's and then some never grow up.

What I don't understand is why the OP husband has to go to bars and come home late at night. There has to be a reason why he doesn't look forward to coming home after work. When I got off work I could not wait until I got home. Lisa is the other half that makes me whole.

gina
03-24-2009, 09:34 AM
Grime,
i was one of those women who cheated on her husband and he didn't forgive me. so i telling all of you its not what sex you are that makes you cheat its the person you are inside and the circumstances leading to cheating. i was with the same man for 21 years.

rob
03-24-2009, 09:35 AM
Hey Sandra,

I'm so glad you are back, but I wish the situation was better for you. Back when I was in a marriage, and later on when I was in a serious relationship with my former fiancee, if I had pulled a stunt like bringing some stripper into my life, they would have dropped my butt like a hot rock. And they would have been totally justified. A married man befriending some stripper from a bar is not the action of a responsible adult man who wants a healthy relationship with his wife.

Divorce can be a living hell, so I certainly hope youe and your husband can work this out. Counseling can be very effective if both parties are willing to participate. There's nothing wrong with seeking help. Also, I would not meet with this stripper. You are justifiably angry and hurt, and the temptation to strike out at this woman will be very high. If you were to hit her, you would be arrested for assault and have a possible domestic violence charge leveled against you. That's trouble you absolutely do not need. Don't meet with her. The problem is between you, and your husband. She is an outsider who has already invaded enough of your life, don't give her an opportunity to invade your life, and your marriage even further. Tell your husband you want to seek a counselor ASAP. He can participate, or he can choose not to. I'm sorry this is happening. Please let us know what is going on when you are able to.

Rob

gina
03-24-2009, 09:38 AM
mountaindreamer
i disagree with you a cheater is not always a cheater. things lead to reason why we cheat, like being verbal abused, they are a drunk, they don't pay attention to you. i am sorry your husband cheated on you but you can't put us all together like that.

but i agree she needs a attorney now and to boot him out. no reason to be at bars or with strippers.

rob
03-24-2009, 09:47 AM
Hello Everyone,

This is a very sensitive subject, and has struck a nerve with many of us here, myself included. But, lets keep the focus on giving Sandra proper support and advice, rather than getting sidetracked with our personal thoughts on the reasons why people of both sexes do, or do not commit infidelity. Thanks everyone.

Rob
Moderator

SandraC1983
03-24-2009, 10:37 PM
Thank you Rob for the last post I was starting to get really upset about the whole thing. Well just to let everyone know. I didnt meet with her at all Monday. This morning my husband woke me up and told me I have told her to leave me alone and it was a mistake to even talk to her. My husband is a good man at times but can be a very jealous A Hole. I will not deny that. People men and women in general seem to always take advantage of us because we are good people. My husband changed his number and told his coworkers that he see's my point of view and that a married man should not be a no strip club. I was present during this conversation. Later on this afternoon when we were at the store with my best friend we ran into this woman. She looked at my husband and smiled and tried getting his attention. I looked at him and I walked over to her, and told her that my husband told her once already to leave him alone and she needed to stop. Well she then insulted me in the store and my best friend came up to me and my husband and he told her I was trying to be nice to help you so you can get your kids back I even got numbers for you to get a lawyer and a private investigator. I am happy with my wife, and I want to stay with my wife and my kids. I don't want to end up like you not having my kids around. He then told her now i know why you don't have your kids. Tomorrow night we are going to church to talk to the father about getting married through the church because we never did it was all justice of the peace. God helps you i prayed and prayed i don't need the counseling .............. We just need to communicate more and be open. I value everyones advice. I don't believe in divorce Til death do u part. You make that oath. We don't want to be another statistic. People can work things out, some cant but thank you all. Ill keep you all posted on how things work out God bless you all

BonusMom
03-24-2009, 11:30 PM
That is wonderful news Sandra! I am so glad that your husband understood why it was necessary to stop communicating with the woman. I understand his heart was in the right place in trying to help her, but it's your marriage and children that should be his first priority (which he apparently recognized). Best of luck to you both!

AyahsClan
03-25-2009, 12:51 AM
Thank you Rob for the last post I was starting to get really upset about the whole thing. Well just to let everyone know. I didnt meet with her at all Monday. This morning my husband woke me up and told me I have told her to leave me alone and it was a mistake to even talk to her. My husband is a good man at times but can be a very jealous A Hole. I will not deny that. People men and women in general seem to always take advantage of us because we are good people. My husband changed his number and told his coworkers that he see's my point of view and that a married man should not be a no strip club. I was present during this conversation. Later on this afternoon when we were at the store with my best friend we ran into this woman. She looked at my husband and smiled and tried getting his attention. I looked at him and I walked over to her, and told her that my husband told her once already to leave him alone and she needed to stop. Well she then insulted me in the store and my best friend came up to me and my husband and he told her I was trying to be nice to help you so you can get your kids back I even got numbers for you to get a lawyer and a private investigator. I am happy with my wife, and I want to stay with my wife and my kids. I don't want to end up like you not having my kids around. He then told her now i know why you don't have your kids. Tomorrow night we are going to church to talk to the father about getting married through the church because we never did it was all justice of the peace. God helps you i prayed and prayed i don't need the counseling .............. We just need to communicate more and be open. I value everyones advice. I don't believe in divorce Til death do u part. You make that oath. We don't want to be another statistic. People can work things out, some cant but thank you all. Ill keep you all posted on how things work out God bless you all

I'll be praying for your family. Men do have a conscience that can overcome the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes and the pride of life. Our marriages are under attack from all sides. If this was a test of temptation it looks like he passed. This woman has some serious issues that need professional help, not someone's husband. When my husband was a pastor I did not want him to ever counsel women without me or a deacon present. We can't allow ourselves to be in a place where temptation is even a possibility.

BTW, honestly, I have no qualms with checking my husbands phone. It is not that I do not trust him, I just don't like surprises. Prevention is always best. That gut feeling you had lead you to an intervention.

Our lives should be an open book to each other. We can't be insanely insecure, but going over phone records and credit card bills is marital preventative maintenance. If no one has anything to hide there should be no reason to be defensive about it.

May God bless and protect your family,

mountaindreamer
03-25-2009, 05:14 AM
oh sandra,

your husband sounds like a honest man who truly loves you....i am so happy for you. i wish you both much happiness.....i am so glad that you have his support....we need support of others while trying to fight this crazy disease.

gina, i am so sorry for putting everyone in one basket. i guess some of my coping skills came through in my post. Please accept my apology. I do recognize that there are circumstances that contribute to our decisions, and i was wrong to imply that there was not excuse for finding comfort with someone.

rob, you were so right, this is about helping sandra.

Grime
03-25-2009, 05:29 AM
Sandra,
I do apologize if I upset you. That was not my intention. Beings this is more of a ladies forum I was just trying to show a mans point of view. As far as any additional comments I will keep them to myself.

David

sick n tired
03-25-2009, 06:38 AM
Hey Sandra,

I had a similar (ish) situation years ago..an error in judgement on his part. He and I chose to work it out...I chose to forgive. It has taken time to trust, again but it is almost there...I think what is great is your hubby realized he could lose you and the kids and at that time he realized just what is important. The great thing is you ended up on the top of his list and not the bimbo...PRAISE GOD...

Angel Oliver
03-25-2009, 07:20 AM
Hi,

Sending you gentle hugs.

love
Angel.x

rob
03-25-2009, 03:00 PM
It sounds like things are getting better again in paradise. This is great news Sandra, and I'm very happy to hear things are moving in a positive direction. Marriage can be hard work, but the best things are worthy of working for.

Rob

gina
03-26-2009, 11:59 AM
Sandra its great that you and your husband are working things out

sorry for making it personal, i wish i could of work things out with mine but he didn't want to and i understand that but you think that being with someone for 20 years that the death to us part would work for all.

again i am sorry if i upset anyone. need to learn to keep big Italian mouth shut. have a great day:yes:

Saysusie
03-26-2009, 12:12 PM
Sandra;
I am happy to hear that your husband stepped up to the plate and made the right decision. It is also good that you were completely honest with him about how you felt regarding this entire situation.
I agree that what is needed is true, open and honest communication. However, as Rob suggested, don't ever be afraid to seek professional assistance to help you and your husband become better at communication. Sometimes, we have no idea how our words can affect another person and we often need to evaluate our form of (or lack of) communication in order to keep the dialogue flowing without anger, resentment or hurt feelings. I am just suggesting that you keep that option open.
I hope that your heart feels a bit lighter and that you and your husband can forge a new, deeper bond! I wish you both the very best.

Peace and Blessings
Namaste
Saysusie