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Loverly83
03-21-2009, 04:23 PM
I was raised in a strict Christian home, and went to a private Christian college. I went through somewhat of a "burn out" period, where I didn't attend church (but still had my faith), and then my husband and I attended a less-conservative church for some time.

When I was first diagnosed I think I probably prayed even more than I ever had before, and I never was "angry" with God or blamed Him for any of this... I don't think I ever even went through the "why me?" phase....

But as time has gone on, and my lupus has progressed into some very severe problems, and I've spent sooooo much time in the hospital.... I feel like I've lost my faith.

I don't know what to do, and it really makes me sad when I think about it... but I just... I don't know if this makes any sense, but it is like I've just stopped caring about faith and religion at all.

I've not responded to any treatments, and now have all this involvement in other parts of my body, and I'm just so angry now. I'm so mad that I can't do the things with my kids that I want to do, and can't go outside, and it hurts to do everything.... I guess I'm just not coping well with the latest developments in my disease.

Have any of you dealt with anything like this? I actually get annoyed when my mother will send me "inspirational" forwards with Biblical references or verses.

AyahsClan
03-21-2009, 05:05 PM
Oh my gosh have I ever dealt with it. I was raised in a Christian cult, spent years researching Biblical manuscripts and experiencing world religions. Praise God I had a personal experience with Jesus when I was at my lowest point. He picked me up and held me close and He has never been too far away to hear me when I cry. It comforts me to no end to know that He understands me, and forgives me when I am angry. He suffered unjustly too.

He used me during the good years as a phone counselor for the Billy Graham Assoc, I served on several different ministries like homeless ministries. Married a pastor 5 years ago who is now retired from church leadership. Worked in an Internet ministry providing help to cult survivors. I spoke at a convention of cult survivors, if you are interested I'll send you a link to my sermon in a private message.

Though I too have lived the Christian life experience, there are two things that really bother me;

1# People/Christians who tell me "remember there are others who have it worse than you do". OK GREAT! So life sucks and then you die for other people too! Thank you very much for that encouragement I feel so much freaking better now.

#2 People who preach to me or send me as you said "inspirational" sayings with the intention of HELPING me with my attitude or anger. Jobs best friend did not try to fix him like the others, the best one just sat with him, was there for him. We have to cut them some slack though because they could never understand what this is like.

My relationship with God changed when I got mad at Him. I did. He can take my anger, He allows my suffering, but He is not leaving me to go through it alone. I've stated this before: I have lost faith in the church, in my family and friends, the medical field, even my husband, but I never lost faith in Jesus. See, He already know how we feel, it just makes it all better when we tell it to Him from our own heart.

One time I was so angry at Him I would hear the Spirit call and I would say, "talk to the hand Lord I've had enough". We will always come back to the cross because He will never let us go too far. He forgave me and again brought me back. This suffering brings a deeper dimension to me on what it means to pick up my cross and follow Him. Some days it too dam HEAVY! Then other days I realize He is carrying it for me.

{{{hugs}}}

LOVE

Grime
03-22-2009, 10:15 PM
One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.


In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.

Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.


This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat,

I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord,

“You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you, you would walk with me always.

But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand.


Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”

The Lord replied, “The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.”

sick n tired
03-22-2009, 10:16 PM
Hey Loverly,

Yes, I have been angry with God...and he walked with me every step of the way.
My anger was over the death of my son...I started wondering why I was a Christian...at the time I decided to unbelieve and even went as far as telling God that now I don;t believe he exists...as irrational as that sounds. Well God does exist and he is big enough to take our anger.

I also got sick and tired of religious platitudes...sometimes what we really need is someone to just listen. If you were raised in a Christian home you know it anyway...I also had many friends and relatives who were much like Jobs friends..

Ayah...It drives me crazy when I hear there are others who have it worse...I want to say ...AND...YOUR POINT? It is as if I am too stupid to know that bit of wisdom myself...grrr

Loverly...it is ok to be angry with God...he is patient. He knows and he sees...even if we can't understand why us. For myself, I have come to use God as my strength...because in our weakness He makes us strong...

That is not to say I don't lapse back, because I do.

Take Care, hon,

AyahsClan
03-22-2009, 10:51 PM
OMG you will not believe the church service I went to today. My friend needed a ride to her church. DH just got home from 3 weeks on the road and said he should do church too so off we went. I think I have church PTSD if that is possible because I had so much anxiety last night I could hardly sleep.

The folks were very friendly. It was a little white church with a steeple and traditional pews with nice cushioning, I'm thinking, this can't be that bad.

The music was contemporary and they asked you to stand. ::sighs:: I was dying trying to stand but it went on sooooooo long. The pastor said a few words. Then they had a presentation of the different ministries, mind you the church had maybe 25 people in attendance. I'm thinking, this is going smoothly. Then I realized he had not even started the sermon.

Okeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey so here we go. What followed what a SCREAMING rant that sounded like the man was having a religious meltdown. I was hurting so bad his voice was LOUD very LOUD he was SCREAMING at us with a freaking MIC on!!!!!!!!!!! His voice slammed into my nerve endings in my ears and clanged around inside my head then traveled down my spine. HOW COULD I ESCAPE!

I just could not be rude to my friend, it would have embarrassed her if I walked out. I stopped on the way home to get me a couple Miller Lights and I don't even drink!

I'm still not over it. My head has not stopped aching. It was like someone clanging pot lids together 1 inch from your ears. I don't think I can handle that again even if i sit in the back row.

Grime
03-23-2009, 05:59 AM
I feel for you on that church. I have not gone to church in many years. We have only found one that was wonderful. Located up in Roundup Montana was a small Church of Christ. The minister was a rancher and his sermons hit home each week. After church the member, of about 16, would get together for a pot luck lunch.

This past week has been the trip from :saevilw:. After two days of no wind and bad motor problems our, daughter and grandson, we made it to Army Hole. Very long story. I was totally exhausted and feeling like why me why now. He did paint me a picture just for me to let me know with out him we would have never made it.
http://www.missfroggy.pocwebdesign.com/_RefFiles/sunset.jpg

When we did get back into Port O'Connor my daughter and grandson split back up to their home. Friends came to my rescue and we got Miss Froggy back her slip in Port Lavaca Sunday. Lisa even got to sail with Charlie and I back to Port Lavaca. It was a beautiful day and wonderful winds.

I had forgotten that he will never give me more than I can handle. Even tho this trip was the trip from :firedevil:I learned a lot.

I have been known to give him back a day that I felt I did deserve. He will give a day wonderful in return.

AyahsClan
03-23-2009, 12:22 PM
Hey Loverly,

Yes, I have been angry with God...and he walked with me every step of the way.
My anger was over the death of my son...I started wondering why I was a Christian...at the time I decided to unbelieve and even went as far as telling God that now I don;t believe he exists...as irrational as that sounds. Well God does exist and he is big enough to take our anger.

I also got sick and tired of religious platitudes...sometimes what we really need is someone to just listen. If you were raised in a Christian home you know it anyway...I also had many friends and relatives who were much like Jobs friends..

Ayah...It drives me crazy when I hear there are others who have it worse...I want to say ...AND...YOUR POINT? It is as if I am too stupid to know that bit of wisdom myself...grrr

Loverly...it is ok to be angry with God...he is patient. He knows and he sees...even if we can't understand why us. For myself, I have come to use God as my strength...because in our weakness He makes us strong...

That is not to say I don't lapse back, because I do.

Take Care, hon,

If anyone has had a reason to be angry at God it would be a mother who has lost her child. I'm so sorry dear sister. What grief you have suffered. I'm so sorry.

Loverly, we're here with you in mind and spirit. We know your sorrow and in the words of an old Southern Appalachian Grannie: "I hate it fer ya." In years gone by small communities were close and dependent on each other for survival, support and comfort. Times have changed in many places but we can still be here for each other electronically. We are a community of Lupies who DO know and care what you are going through.

We understand, we're here, and it is more than OK to vent your anger to us, God, and anyone who is willing to listen. Anger is not a sin. Sure if you get angry and then go out and kill someone it is. But the emotion of anger is simply that, an emotion that needs to be expressed.

There is no rationalizing this, there is no logic to it, and how can we ever really accept it? I miss my kids. I can't do the things I dreamed of doing with them. Raising them was a terrible hardship because of lupus, now that they are parents I can't be the active grandma I had planned to be. It makes me ANGRY!

We have to get angry and accept the frustration that goes with our limitations because the only other choice is to surrender to lupus. Surrender is not an option!

sick n tired
03-23-2009, 07:38 PM
Ayah....I have been to a church like that only once...not sure what the pastor feels he needs to scream about...
:-) miller light, huh? :-)

Perhaps you can find one with a sane pastor.:wacko:

Grime...that was a beautiful picture and a lesson for us all...one of the way God calms me down to remember what is important is through his painting..:yes:

KATROACH1972
03-23-2009, 08:06 PM
Call me strange but,.... I like the yelling preachers! HAHA KEEPS ME ON MY TOES!

sick n tired
03-23-2009, 08:12 PM
No Kathy...it isn't strange...some people do like that and your preacher might have had good content, too...some of us get a headache though with loud services...on the same note, we left a good church with great preaching because the music was so loud. I am not talking about a little louder but many decibals too high...my 50% deaf child told me that she wasn't coming again because it hurt her ears..