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cheryl_v
03-10-2009, 08:34 AM
How does one come up from being down? Tired of starting to feel better, to being snatched back down again. Whether it be physical or emotional. Just want to scream, or cry at the drop of a hat. So bleak feel, in my robot stage again. No one around me understands. I try to tell, but they don't listen. I look fine and have everything I need and want, to the eye. Things do not make one happy, and looking fine doesn't mean you are. I try to tell others this, but they roll their eyes and give me that pity smile. I just give, going back to functioning and pretending I'm fine. Seems the way my life runs now, just another thing to get used too I suppose.

Life can be so hard to understand and deal with at times. Makes me sit and think "why me?", but why not. Life is what it is, one thing to deal with after another.

Sorry, just trying to get it off my chest. Suppose to help to write it down. Trying this method again.

SuperGiv
03-10-2009, 09:11 AM
Hey I'm sorry your feeling so bad atm. I'm feeling pretty much the same, people don't understand how low I can get and feel, and feels like theres no escape. All I do is keep hope for those few rare days were I don't feel ill, and on those days make the most of it. Isn't much help, but at least here we understand a bit more than friends, colleagues and family (thorugh no fault of their own) do.

tiggerlishus - Heidi
03-10-2009, 09:27 AM
hi sorry to hear your feeling so bad at mo!! yess i have been feeling alot that latey was at my 7 yar old niece bday at weekend full of happy talknig people some people i love dearly and i felt soo numb the saying you can be in a room full of peopel and still be lonely is ooohhhh soo true and no matter how much you want some one to tell its all goign to be ok if and when they do it irrtates you to death!! all i can say is ride through it thou i don't feel back to my bubbly self 100 o/o i can feeling it lifting and plan on enjoying what moments i get!! i don;t know if it helps but i find when i get to a ertain point just going for little walks to shops each day just go out in moring helps more and getting early nights helps too and trying to keep to some routine even if its getting up at same time or geteting dressed opening curtains just the little things count!!! i'm not goen say cheer up or chin but jsut know we're all here if you need at chat or moan or a cry don't hold it just makes it bigger and worse and look forward to the day you wake up with a smile cause it will happen one day lots of love and gentle hugs xxxx

cheryl_v
03-10-2009, 09:28 AM
Thanks. Ill or not, the emotional strains don't take breaks. Always something or someone.

tiggerlishus - Heidi
03-10-2009, 09:29 AM
sorry just saw terrible spelling and grammer hope you can understand!! xxx

Oluwa
03-10-2009, 11:07 AM
CV...

Head hugs. I think you have to invest into you. I know you do so, so much for your family and they miss the mark on appreciating all you do at times. I think you need to be a bit selfish and find things, stuff to fulfill you, as a person...not as a Mom... not as a wife, but for Cheryl....

It is hard when we stay at home while the rest of the family goes about their lives outside the home and we tend to their needs, no matter how big or small the dynamics of our families are while they are away. Spouse or spouse with children...

It hurts when we are not validated. Having a disease our world gets so small, we don't get the outside feed back that we need, but then we don't think we need it. We do need interaction...

It gets frustrating to the point of hurting inside when they don't notice the hard work it is for us, for you to make that homemade chicken pot pie, spaghetti sauce...

We wait for the weekends, for the family to be home only to be disappointed...that is why I think we have to make our worlds bigger...

Community classes, arts..cooking classes.. I am a work in progress too, so I understand getting the momentum to go...or in my area to even find such a thing...

I think we want understanding and not pity...

Spring is coming...I know how you like plants...gardening. See what Lowe's has this weekend. Daffodils should be spent, a good sale...and plant the bulbs in the ground for next spring...

New spring dresses should be out on the racks...for you and Lil Miss...

We talked about driver's license...maybe this summer?

When was the last time you went to the doctors...ugh..I forgot...my pea brain. Maybe consider anti-depressants for a short duration to get you up and over this slump?

Sometimes we find we finally get appreciated when we stop doing for others...

Loves and hugs...squeeeze...
Oluwa

Oluwa
03-10-2009, 11:13 AM
P.S.

CV...I did make my appointment ...you nagged me to death.:smashfreakB: I had to...

March 12, 3:30PM....

L.,
O.

tiggerlishus - Heidi
03-10-2009, 12:03 PM
yes i totaly agree i am not married with kids but still tend to over do thing for others and not for myself!! its great idea i love art stuff!! sending loves and hugs xxx

Rastagirl
03-10-2009, 02:02 PM
Sorry you're down, Cheryl....sending you gentle, caring HUGS.... :hug:

I hope and pray that soon you will have an 'up' day...and then another one...and another...and that things will turn the corner for you...and the sunshine will fill your life again. Perhaps when Spring returns...it'll bring your hope and joy and health back with it. I'll be hoping...

Could you ask your family if one of these nights you could have a 'cheryl' night...just for you...maybe have them fix YOU dinner and pamper you and make you feel special? Because you are ya know....

You are in my prayers....:newangel:

Lori

cheryl_v
03-10-2009, 02:08 PM
Thanks everyone, everyone here is always in my prayers too.

Angel Oliver
03-10-2009, 04:00 PM
Hi Cheryl,

Sending you gentle hugs:musik28: and now sending those good vibes over the airwaves. Understand you and hope you feel our love n support.:valentine4:
love Angel.xxxx

cheryl_v
03-11-2009, 07:42 AM
Thanks, I do feel it. I'm trying to stay positive.

cheryl_v
03-11-2009, 11:03 AM
Not to make anyone feel bad, but I think I just need a physical hug. You know what I mean? Not the little squeeze and pat on the back thing most people give. I mean a real, "I undertsand how you feel" kind of hug. Where you feel the warmth of the hug.

People around me don't understand chronic pain and illness. Hubby gives a kiss goodbye each morning and a hug in the evening. But their's nothing in them. He's trying to help I'm sure, but he doesn't really think anything's wrong. So the kiss is a quick peck, almost as if his duty. The hug is a quick little squeeze and then he's off to his own thing. He says "their, that should make you feel better after a day with the kids". As if its that easy to dismiss all troubles.

I feel empty, trying so hard to refuel. Like what Heidi mentioned, I'm in a room full of people and I feel so alone. I have a hubby, 3 kids and 4 pets. Yet here I am, so lonely and empty. I have a nice home and yard, yet I'm not really in it. I am here, but not part of it.

I give on wanting appreciation, realized that's not what I want. I want help without fighting for it. I have a family, a hubby. Yet I'm doing it all on my own. I'm just so tired, so very tired.

Angel Oliver
03-11-2009, 11:29 AM
HI Cheryl,

I so know that feeling. The last human contact i had was a needle in my ass at Christmas by Doctor Love.....as i called him anyway.And there was me in the midst of a beauty showing him my naked ass. To make matters worse when he stuck it in i screamed like a girl :) No street cred was left.
When he came back to see me the next day....he touched my arm.....i swooooooooooooooooned and began to talk like i was let out of an institute.No words made sense. But you know what....he showed some human emotion....someone felt my pain with me he understood.OH i wish he would have hugged me :)
But joking apart, i know the pain....loneliness...i understand when you said your husband and his hugs of duty.....so understand those.You need a proper bear hug and words of comfort and a big kiss on the forehead and ''understanding''. If i lived near ya you'd be running now as my infected kiss came towards you :) But it'd all be in the name of love.xxxx

Gentle Hugs my friend.
love
Angel.xxxx

Oluwa
03-11-2009, 11:36 AM
Hi you...

I understand..words are not enough. I understand the need for a physical, love you, love all you do hug.

CV...I think you feel that way, about not being apart of it...home, family, yard is because you are not appreciated..you begin to feel like you were hired.

L.
O.

cheryl_v
03-11-2009, 11:56 AM
Hi Angel, thanks for sharing. It made me smile, even if was humiliating to you. I wouldn't run from you. I'd might spray my head with germ-x and close my eyes tightly, lol.

Hi Oh, that's the word I couldn't think of: maid. You saying the word "hired' finally made me remember. Although I really hate to admit that feeling, makes me feel even more alone.

I've never have been much for physical contact, always was a loner. Not shown it when growing up, so not used to it. Its probably why it took me a bit to understand the empty feeling I have. Thanks for everyone's understanding, in some ways I don't feel completely alone anymore. Although sorry for you guys' loneliness too.

Angel Oliver
03-11-2009, 12:04 PM
Oh i read it back wondering about germ x. :) I dont have bad breath its my dodgy jaw and 2 healthy but sore teeth.Didnt want you to think i dont look after my personal hygiene...i really do.

Personal maid....oh....i remember that feeling. So glad you know we are here even though no real hugs.One day i hope someone from here is able to meet you in person to give you that real hug.

xxxxxxxxxxx

tiggerlishus - Heidi
03-11-2009, 12:04 PM
yes i know what you mean jjust wanting some one to physicaly hold you in thier arms like thier never gone let you go and all the pats on the back or quick pecks!!

i know i don't much about married life being still single at nearly 30 but i do understand the whole not appriated and so . . . if i didn't lie across the pond i too like angel would come round and give ya the hugest hug ever!!

have you got many girly friends near you i find a girl day or night just pure pamer chocolate, and girly films i find helps

well sending you all the love and hugs possible throught the waves of the internet! xx

mountaindreamer
03-11-2009, 01:10 PM
hi cheryl

so sorry for your pain....it is all too familiar, wish i could help, but just kknow that we are here (wish we were all there for a big group hug)

phyllis

cheryl_v
03-11-2009, 01:18 PM
Hi Angel, bad joke. Hubby picks on me because I use that germ-x hand sanitizer gel everywhere. I even put it on my hands before I touch things and people and pets. I'm a clean freak and a germaphobia, guilty as charged.

Hi Heidi, thanks for the offer. I don't have any friends who are girls except one neighbor and hubby's friends wife I met twice. The neighbor is 10yrs older and ill, so she's there for quick chats now and then. The lady I met twice wants to do something just girls, sounds nice. We're thinking of the beach soon. Hoping it works out and able to do it.

Thanks for the support. Having you guys is great. I would be in melt down if it wasn't for everyone here. You guys may not be physical, but here helping me none the less. I really appreciate it.

tiggerlishus - Heidi
03-11-2009, 01:23 PM
thats ok any time thats what were here for!!!!:9::9:

cheryl_v
03-11-2009, 01:46 PM
Hey Phyllis, didnt see your post. Thanks, hope its not to familiar.

Thanks Heidi, your sweet.

mnjodette
03-11-2009, 02:20 PM
Hey, Cheryl....so many here know what you mean about feeling alone in a crowd. Nothing like a little chronic illness...and invisible one at that....to isolate you from those around you. I hope you DO find some 'just the girls' activities; something just for you. Are you driving yet....or still 'wheel-less?' Can you and hubby have a weekend away....just the two of you? Something that the two of you like to do together.....or just a chance to be alone; to share something more than a friendly peck on the cheek. It's so hard to make yourself the focus when you are so accustomed to taking care of everyone else. Move yourself to the front of the line once in a while....and tell yourself that you deserve it...because you do.

Cyber hugs aren't the same thing, but know that I'm sending you one anyway. Hope today is a better day for you....

Jody

cheryl_v
03-11-2009, 06:58 PM
Thanks Jody, cyber hugs are good too.

cheryl_v
03-14-2009, 03:15 PM
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is how I feel inside today, yet no one knows. Therefore they can not hear me. Once again I tried to tell, and again no one heard me. I spiral down, with brief gust of upward winds showing me the top of my hole. Then quickly back down, what a tease.

May tomorrow be better.

lucky7
03-14-2009, 03:32 PM
OMG Cheryl my heart goes out to you! You HAVE to speak out. Holding it in only makes it worse and i know you said its not easy to open up or be close cuz you didnt have it growing up BUT its about YOU. This is the time to do whatever is in YOUR power to make yourself FEEL better. As wifes,women and mothers its in our makeup to put everyone else first but there comes a time when you need to be selfish. YOUR time is NOW sweetie!!!!

Think of it as to be better for the people you love, you have to take care of yourself first.Did you ever consider talking to a therapist? If you find the RIGHT one it really can help. Theres a book you might find helpful during all this chaos in your life. Ive highlighted it and have stuck post-its all through it! The title is; How to Make Yourself Happy and Remarkably Less Disturbable and its by Dr. Albert Ellis. I hope it can help you like it has me.

Im sorry your husband isnt more understanding. Have you told him what you NEED from him? He needs to understand what you WANT and NEED from him. Shoot, take him to a therapist! LOL Buy him a book about autoimune illnesses so he can better understand what goes on. If he truely loves you as im sure he does then he'll do it.

Good Luck and i hope you feel better!!!!!!!!!!


HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Pretti in Pink
03-14-2009, 04:57 PM
Cheryl,

I echo everyone's sentiments in understanding how you feel but something stood for me when you said may tomorrow will be better. That's the attitude to have even when things seem as bleak as they do now, tomorrow is a brand new day with new graces and new hope. I too, pray that tomorrow will be better for you and these feelings will begin to subside and some left in today.

cheryl_v
03-14-2009, 05:52 PM
Thanks. The problem is I did try to tell, again. Tried to tell hubby. Didn't work. I'm just here, not seen. I, once again, was just starting to feel a tad better. Its a never ending battle I'm getting so tired of fighting. Why speak, when no one listens? They just look at you, yet not really seeing. I feel like I'm fading into a bleak existence. The functioning of a person with no emotions left in her. I smile when kids look, but can't hold when their heads turn. I don't want to hold. Hubby just doesn't see, or doesn't want to. Hoping it fades and I come back fine. The scream in me is gone, and I'm all hollow again. A sigh in my heart. I'm trying to think of other things to occupy my spinning mind. It will get better, it just has to.

I know theirs nothing anyone can say or do, just can't move forward without letting it out. No one around me will listen. As told, I know its not good to keep it bottled up inside. So letting out here, where theres always someone who listens. Thank you all, my friends.

On an impulse, I bought a new betta since my other one died monday. He was so pretty, caught my eye. Deep blue with hints of red at fin tips. I thought maybe watching him swim may ease the soul. I have to try something.

tiggerlishus - Heidi
03-15-2009, 02:26 AM
Dear Cheryl

my heart is going out to you if i lived closer i would come and get you and take you out for the day, for the weekend spoil you rotten like you deserve!!
from what i can gather from this thread you sound like a wonderful wife and the best mum putting 110 o/o but it sounds like you need to cut back and put that in to you!! as far as you husband it might sound silly but have you considered writing down how you feel give it to him to read in his own space and think about it all!! firstly i think it will help you to get out everything you want to say with out your emotion of the time getting in the way or any brain fog you might suffer and it might give your husband the time to read it and reread it and take it all in before he responds i know as a partnership you should be able to communicate with out going to such extents but its just and idea! i hope everything gets sorted soon the stress can't be helping any flare you might be having all the possible love i could send through the waves of the internet!!! xxxxxxxxxx mwah xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

cheryl_v
03-15-2009, 06:15 AM
Thanks Heidi.

I would write it down, but I don't want to. It may sound selfish, but I want him to listen to me saying my words on my time. Not on his time, making it easier on him. For better or worse, not for better and ignore the worse. It really is a good idea, don't get me wrong. Just want him looking my way, at me when I speak. My emotions didn't get in the way when we spoke, he just kept cutting in until I just gave. I want him to stop and listen, on my terms.

On bright side, its a warm day. Going outside with kids for bike ride, then sprinkler time. Haven't had the sprinkler on in months, there excited. Hoping the distraction lightens the mood.

Grime
03-15-2009, 07:06 AM
From reading this thread it would not do any good to write it down and getting him to listen might be impossible.

You said you were going to take the kids for a bike ride. Why not take them to church? You would be surprise at the out come. People will welcome you with open arms, you would find new caring friends all under one roof. The rewards will be never ending.

tiggerlishus - Heidi
03-15-2009, 08:29 AM
ok never mind just and idea i can completely understand! well enjoy the good weather we are having good weather here to not quite good enough for sprinklers thou!! lol
i remember doing that when i lived in florida but its very rare to be able to do that here in sunny england!! lol well i'll finish waffling just as long you know i'm here if you need to rant xHx

mountaindreamer
03-15-2009, 06:51 PM
hi cheryl,

how was your bike ride? it is raining in georgia, but must be sunny in florida since you had to run your sprinkler. hope you had a great day.

You know that there are some people that you just can't do anything about....//. so you have to do what you can for yourself.....if you want him to listen, then stand on both feet and tell him so.

Your energies need to be directed to your health, don't let anything or anyone get you off track...stay focused on you.

i wish you were not having to deal with this, i know it takes your energy away, and must really tax your nerves. please keep yourself important

sick n tired
03-15-2009, 07:49 PM
Hey Cheryl,

How are you doing??? Did you take that bike ride?
I hope that the therapy of just getting out has helped.

It can be so exasperating no upsetting when our husbands take us for granted. I know...I think they just don't know what to say so they ignore. I would like to think that, anyway.

Oluwa had some good suggestions...I plan on going back and reading them again for myself. I know that depression is part of this problem that we have. You might need to take an antidepressant, as Oluwa suggested to tide you over until this rough patch ends...
May God bless, you...

cheryl_v
03-15-2009, 08:25 PM
Thank You all. I went for 2 bike rides, they were nice. Hubby did go on one and came out to get some sun with me while kids played for a short bit. It was a warm comfy day. I feel somewhat better.

I am a christian woman, but study at home. I don't drive, so can't go to the church. Plus I'm painfully shy, so would be hard to just walk in. Thanks for the idea, people at churches are nice.

Pretti in Pink
03-16-2009, 05:10 PM
Hey Cheryl,

How's today treating you?

cheryl_v
03-16-2009, 06:49 PM
Its monday, my busiest day of the week. Its where I get to play catch up from the weekend mess of everyone being home. I really do not like mondays, but thanks for asking. It made me smile.

rob
03-17-2009, 08:32 AM
Hi Cheryl,

Mondays always suck. How's Tuesday treating you? I hope you are winning the neverending battle today. Like you, some days I win, some days I lose, but the battle never seems to go away. I understand your wanting your husband to sit down and listen, on your time.

I have a couple of new trains, I'll put pics of them in my toy room album in a day or two. I know you like those sort of pics. I'm going to build a new layout around the cieling of my TV room. It's going to be an interesting project. I know how it feels to just exist. I have that alot too. I hope today you can do more than just exist, and I hope this is a better day for you.

Rob

cheryl_v
03-17-2009, 11:58 AM
Thanks Rob. It is so hard for others to understand what we all go thru. If they would really just listen, and ignoring it doesn't make it go away. Todays a bit better, went and did some gardening since house work was caught up. Still feel empty and alone, but functioning better. Not so bleary eyed and blah.


I'll check the trains out as soon as you post them. Been looking at them now and then while feeling down. They bring me joy and make me think of different times. I can't help but look at them, such wonderful contraptions (models and the real ones). Thanks for sharing them.

cheryl_v
03-18-2009, 09:41 AM
Been working in the garden yesterday and today. I must say, it seems to be improving the mood.

Thanks for all the help, wouldn't know what I'd do without everyone and this place.