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SandraC1983
12-15-2008, 12:05 AM
I KNOW ALOT OF YOU READ MY LAST POST ABOUT THE DEEP DARK HOLE. WELL THE DARKNESS TOOK AHOLD OF ME FRIDAY NIGHT. AFTER I POSTED IT I WENT TO TAKE MY MEDS A LITTLE TO MUCH OF THEM I REMEMBER GOING TO THE BATHROOM RUNNING THE WATER AND THATS IT. A COUPLE OF HOURS LATER I WOKE UP THROWING UP IN THE ER...... VOMITING SOME BLACK TAR .........MY HUSBAND FOUND ME NEARLY LIFELESS IN THE TUB AND CALLED 911 I NEARLY KILLED MYSELF THE DR TOLD MY HUSBAND THAT IF HE WOULD HAVE NOT CHECKED ON ME WHEN HE DID I WOULDN'T BE HERE RIGHT NOW. I FEEL AS IF I HAVE DISAPPOINTED EVERYONE AND THAT EVERYONE IS MAD AT ME. IM VERY SORRY I WAS BEING SELFISH IM OVERWHELMED, SAD I HATE THIS TIME OF YEAR. IM A VERY THANKFUL FOR HAVING A CERTAIN PERSON IN MY LIFE WHO CHECKS ON ME CONSTANTLY AND EVERY EMAIL HE SENDS ME JUST LIGHTS UP MY DAY YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. HE SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS. MANY OF YOU KNOW MY LIFE IS NOT A HAPPY ONE ESP WITH MY MOTHER IN LAW AND MY HUSBAND. THEY CONSTANTLY HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY ABOUT ME AND THAT JUST ADDS ON MORE STRESS TO ME BEING SICK . I WAS DENIED FUNDS FROM MY HUSBAND TO BUY PRESENTS FOR MY FAMILY AND HE HAS ALREADY BOUGHT HIS FAMILY PRESENTS THAT JUST MADE IT EVEN WORSE. I HAVEN'T BOUGHT ANY OF MY FAMILY MEMBERS A GIFT IN 3 YRS I FIGURED I COULD ATLEAST GET THEM SOMETHING SMALL TO SAY THANK YOU FOR TAKING ME TO THE DR AND HELPING ME CLEAN HOUSE AND TAKE CARE OF THE KIDS WHEN IM SICK. :cry: :cry: BUT IM STILL HERE APPARENTLY GOD DOESNT WANT ME TO LEAVE YET HE MUST HAVE A PLAN FOR ME. ONCE AGAIN TO EVERYONE HERE IM SORRY I HOPE I HAVE NOT UPSET YOU FOR WHAT I DID. IM TIRED SO TIRED MY HEART HURTS FOR DUMB REASONS AND I CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHY. THIS IS THE ONLY PLACE I CAN LET MY EMOTIONS GO I CAN'T GO TO A HEAD DR I WILL BE PROVED A UNFIT MOTHER AND I REALLY COULD NOT DEAL WITH THAT. I KEEP TRYING TO FIND REASONS OF WHY NOT TO BE HERE. OF TRYING TO SUCCEED BUT I CAN'T NOW THE REASONS I HAD FRIDAY NIGHT ARE JUST STUPID I HAVE CRIED ALL DAY OUT OF ANGER. I TOLD MY HUSBAND OFF SEVERAL TIMES I TOLD HIM HOW WORTHLESS HE WAS . I GAVE HIM A TASTE OF HIS OWN MEDICINE. :cry: :mad: IM SORRY FOR VENTING I CAN'T SEEM TO GET OUT OF THIS HOLE. GOODNIGHT EVERYONE. TO THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE ........... THANK YOU YOU ARE AN ANGEL. AND TO ALL OF YOU THANK YOU FOR LISTENING


GODBLESS
SANDRA

mountaindreamer
12-15-2008, 05:24 AM
Sandra,

I am so incredlbly sorry for all that you endure. Thank goodness you have a "special friend" because you deserve one. Is there a church that could maybe help you get presents for your family.

Maybe you escaping from an abusive relationship and seeking refuse with family/friends, would be the best present you could give yourself and those who care about you.

Please take care.....keep posting....and above all "love yourself", you deserve it....A big, gentle hug to you.

KathyW1958
12-15-2008, 05:42 AM
Hi Sandra,
I am so sorry that this happened, but to be upset and mad at you I am not. I do understand where you are coming from. I am so glad that your husband found you and got you to the ER. When I was 15 I tried to end my life and again when I was 20. I guess you could say that it was not my time to go as I am still here. I thank god for every day. You know they can not prove you unfit as a parent if you see a Psychologist. I know that for a fact as I had seen one for years to deal with all of my issues and I had children at the time.

I think that it is terrible that your husband will not let you buy anything for your family and yet he buys for his. I would raise holy you know what if my husband did me like that. We don't buy for either side of the family other then the kids and their mates and my grandchld. I think that your husband is selfish big time. You know the best way to get at that mother in law is to kill her with kindness. I did that to my horrible mother in law. You catch more flies with honey then you do with vinegar.

I am glad that you gave your husband a taste fo his own medicine by telling him that he is worthless. Maybe he will turn around now.

Any time you feel lonely, sad and down just jump on here and we will talk with you, but please do not take your life as we think way to much of you to have you gone okay. Your life is worth so much and your children need you here with them.

Hugs,
Kathy

Angel Oliver
12-15-2008, 05:53 AM
Just to say how sorry i am to hear of your sadness. We are all here for you and so glad you are slowly getting a little better. I truly understand what your are going through and i am here for you .Keep taking small steps at a time.

Love
Angel.xx

iseedeadmonkeys
12-15-2008, 06:36 AM
I am so sorry to hear what you are going through hun, i went through something similar b4 my diagnosis with lupus, to the fact that i dint understand what was going on with me either, i wish you well, your right god does want you for something else he spared my life too, im here if you ever want to chat xx

cheryl_v
12-15-2008, 07:11 AM
Hi Sandra, glad you are still here. Sorry your despair had gotten so deep. You must be ment for something, to be here for others. I too have been in deep despair. Wanting to stay in my hole and not come out. Not even sure why, it actually doesn't even have to with this time of year. My hubby's the same way about gifts. He buys for his bubby, sis, mum and 2 nephews. Says my family's just too big. I buy for my mum now, told him I was going to do at least that. Made me mad too, and feels unfair.

Well, reading your post I desided to try harder. You have such courage to tell your story. Thanks for sharing, God Bless you. May your days get brighter.

rob
12-15-2008, 07:34 AM
Hi Sandra,

I know you were very afraid of talking about this to people, but I'm glad you decided to open up and get it out. It takes courage to do this. We've talked a bit, and you know I have also been down the path of suicide, and I understand much of what you are thinking and feeling right now. I'm glad you are OK, the world is a far better place with you in it. I sent you a PM also. Nobody here is mad at you, or anything of the sort. You made a bad decision that many of us here have made in our lives, and it would be awfully hypocritical of us to be mad at you since many of us also made that bad choice. I was lucky to survive my attempt to end it all. I learned a very hard lesson. I found that life, even a life with Lupus, and pain, and people treating me badly, was far better than the alternative. My situation eventually changed and I am now surrounded by family, and new friends who understand and care. Things can happen like this for you too. I know it doesn't seem that way right now, but things can change for you too. I'll talk to you later. Try not to beat yourself up over this too much, OK?

Rob

hatlady
12-15-2008, 02:38 PM
Oh Sandra;

I am so thankful that you are still with us! What a difficult path you are walking, All I can offer is words of support and comfort. And words of thanks for that husband who found you - stinker though he may be, he came through this time - - because we still have you with us.

Dear friend, remember there is always someone here you can lean on. Many of us have walked the path of considering or trying suicide. Thankfully, most of us are still here. I have no anger for anyone who's considered or tried to end their life - it is not a thought one has lightly. I'm so glad, so very glad that you're part of my life and will continue as part of my life. There is value in each of our lives - and sometimes you can truly see the beauty in each day.

Many many hugs of thanks that you are here with us, that you are sharing your heart with us, and that we can share ours with you.

Saysusie
12-15-2008, 05:02 PM
Sandra;
As Rob mentioned, there are several of us who have been down the "suicide" path and know, only too well, that feeling of hopelessness. It takes a very special person to be able to open up the way that you have and I admire that in you.
No one here will ever be angry at you because you are struggling with so much. No one here is disappointed because we DO NOT judge you in any way. You are accepted here, by all of us, and loved by all of us.
I am so sorry that you find yourself in this dark place again. There is nothing wrong with you because you are unhappy. Being unhappy does not make you unfit.
You are an important member of this particular family and we are all so grateful that you are still here with us. Please know that you will always find understanding, acceptance, and comfort here. Thank you for allowing us to be the ones that you share your heart with.

Peace and Blessings
Saysusie

NoodleMom
12-15-2008, 07:40 PM
Im so glad that you were unsucessful in your attempt. I have been in your shoes. I have a couple of attempts in my past also. I think that you will find there are many here who either have attempted or at least had ideation in there past.


Your husband is a jerk, hands down!

Keep taking steps forward and if you stumble and need support we are here.

Kasey

georgie
12-18-2008, 01:16 PM
hi sandra , you dont know me as I am a newbie here BUT I just had to respond to your post as it just makes me so sad that your life was so over whelming that you felt suicide was your only solution .....I heard a powerful saying about suicide that I think you need to imprint in your mind it goes ........" suicide is a permenant solution to a temporary problem " you keep ya chin up sweet lady , walk tall and confidently knowing that the worst is over because once you hit the bottom there is only one way to go and that is up and you sure were at the bottom ,if you start to get over whelmed at any time just re read thru all these supportive posts here to remind you how much people do care about you hugs georgie

SandraC1983
12-18-2008, 03:29 PM
JUST CHECKING IN WITH EVERYONE IM OK. I BOUGHT PRESENTS FOR MY FAMILY THANKS TO A FRIEND OF MINE. THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR KIND WORDS. I HOPE EVERYONE IS FEELING OK IM STILL FEELING A LITTLE DOWN AND OUT BUT IT SHALL SOON PASS. WELL I GOTTA RUN I AM GOING TO WRAP UP MY PRESENTS

Saysusie
12-18-2008, 03:47 PM
Isn't is nice to know that, when everyone else fails you, that you still have friends who care and who come through for you. I am happy to hear that you were able to get Christmas gifts. I hope that you enjoy wrapping them and I'm glad that you are feeling a bit better.
Remember...we are always here and I hope that you know that you are important!

Peace and Blessings
Saysusie

DrinkofWtr
12-19-2008, 08:33 AM
Dear Sandra C:

Please don't give up, and thank you for being so open. I used to be a very closed up person, but thanks to this forum I am pretty much an open book now. Suffice it to say, we care about you and your tribulations.

notsurerfh
12-19-2008, 11:41 AM
hoping you have a great holiday. maybe you should ask santa for a new husband!