View Full Version : I am spiraling into sadness

12-07-2008, 08:36 PM
My Bio
I have no friends at all. I am in college now and I have nobody besides my mother; she and my father are the only ones that care in this world. A Junior now, I feel like a retard going thru life with no meaning, or aim. I was diagnosed in HS and since then, I have felt like my cognitive function is declining, and I can't tell if I am lazy or tired from the disease.
I am on an emotional rollercoaster. I keep losing hair. I get chest pains. When there is a test, I may actually break down.

The closest people ignore me and leave me to my misery when I get emotional, angry. hear them in the room across, laughing with friends. They feel I am being a bitch and I am cold and emotionless. I want to die sometimes.

Am I alone?

12-07-2008, 10:21 PM
You most certainly ARE NOT ALONE! My daughter, like you, felt exactly the same way when she was away at college. I cried for her because, like you, she had such a tender heart and such a loving soul. If you were not a person with these qualities, then you would not be hurting now. As a mother, my heart aches for you and I know that it may sound like a platitude, but those people who are whispering about you across the room....they are the ones who have a problem.....NOT YOU!

With your illness and all that it heaps upon you, you are much stronger, much braver, and infinitely much more gifted than they are. The truth is, with all that you are dealing with; with your feelings of being unworthy...these girls (I'm assuming they are mostly girls) are jealous. How they wish that they had the fortitude to do what you do having to deal with what you deal with! They are incapable of being decent, how could they manage to be brave like you?

Now, here is what I want you to think about. Those people who are whispering about you across the room......what kind of people do you think they are? Do you want to be like them? I would venture to say that you want to be nothing like them. If that is true, then consider it a blessing that they do not like you. Because if they liked you, then that would mean that you are like them! Being like them is the last thing that you want to be. So, the more that they dislike you and talk about you, the more you know that you are so much better than they are.
Turn you back to them, what they say tells the world much more about them, than it does about you. They are mean and they are ugly people.

I know that, when you need friends, Mom & Dad do not always fill that need. But, Mom and Dad will never forsake you and they never want you to be hurt. Talk to them about how you feel and let them know how it affects you.

I know that most colleges offer counseling, do you think that you might want to take advantage of these services offered by your school? Also, all colleges have a office or union for Disabled Students. Having Lupus qualifies you to take advantage of the services that they offer. These services usually include referrals to support groups where you can find comfort, understanding and support from people who understand what you are dealing with.

In the meantime, please come here to us so that we can make sure that you know that you are not alone. This family here is filled with people (many of whom are around your age) who are truly understanding, supportive, caring, and who want to help you as much as we can.

Again....you are not alone. We are here for you.

Peace and Blessings

12-23-2008, 07:13 AM
I'm in the same boat as you! I am 22 almost 23 and just graduated from college (it is hard to do with Lupus but don't give up!!) If you ever need to talk, I will be happy to chat with you, I know what its like to be so young and want to give up on life.

Angel Oliver
12-23-2008, 12:33 PM
NO you are not alone. I am older 39 and so understand your pain.We are here for you.Chat to us anytime. I hope you feel a little better just knowing we are here for you.

Sending you lots of hugs.

02-15-2009, 08:25 AM
Don't give up! I understand how you feel. I have often thought, it would just be easier to die. You have your whole life ahead of you. I struggle with the depression that goes along with this chronic illness myself and I am thinking about asking my doctor for some medication for it. Maybe you should consider this as well. Also, I don't know what your faith is, but GOD is here for you and he will NEVER leave you alone. Take care!

02-16-2009, 08:25 PM
Please don't give up. I have to tell myself not to everyday.

In the past 6 months I had to quit school because I couldn't afford it very well anymore and I've been so sick, then I was in a back car accident (we rolled three times and flipped twice) then I had to have an appendectomy and then 3 weeks after that (on my 22nd birthday) I was sent 4 towns away in the ambulance for a small bowel obstruction (most pain I've ever endured) and now the dr's think I have lupus or some sort of auto immune disorder. I don't know what else to do. I should be a senior in college about to graduate and I have at least 2 more years to go. I planned on joining the Air National Guard because I want to serve my country and they will help me go to college.. If I have lupus I don't know how I'll ever afford to go back to school.

03-01-2009, 07:20 PM
I'm not diagnosed yet with lupus, I have been diagnosed with FMS though. But I TOTALLY understand what you mean when your friends think your a biz or a flake because your in so much pain you can't go out or even think straight.

I have found this forum to be so helpful, a place where everyone understands and as someone said (I don't remember who) They love you not because you have and illness or in spite of the illness, but because they would love YOU.

In high school, I was labeled as the biz, because most high school kids just don't understand that it's possible to be sick all the time and not have cancer (at least that's how my high school was) And I didn't do much to help that because when I was in pain and someone would touch a sore spot, I would snap at them. I would feel awful afterward, but they wouldn't listen. bleh.

It's really good that you have your mom and dad as support. I don't know what I would do if my mom hadn't been there for me, especially with my last bout of being sick, it was so bad I had to drop out of college for the next 2 semesters. My dad doesn't really get it, he's still trying to comprehend that I have to sleep and rest a lot because I have to, not because I want to or because I am lazy.

Sorry, I kinda dragged on (and about myself)
If ya need to talk, there's a bunch of people here who will listen, including me.:^)

sick n tired
03-02-2009, 09:57 AM
No, Honey, you are not alone.

I agree with Saysusie...talk to your parents...I have a daughter who recently came to me crying about the same things. Her illness just exaserbates everything. At least I can comfort her and hold her and cry with her.
Also, you are not lazy...many of us go through those thoughts.

03-05-2009, 10:05 AM
I have so be on the same boat !!
many many time i was diagnosed when i was 15 the summer befor high school it was so so so hard!!! And i know its not easy at all to just keep a happy face on when your body is going through all this junk.

but stay strong and know your never alone you never have to go through anything alone unless you wish it to be that way.

03-13-2009, 05:36 PM
hun your not alone!
im 16 and have just been diagnosed. and i know how it feels when you feel outa place, and like different from everybody else. because you cant do things everyone else is doing.
during like december, all my friends were going iceskating and doing all these fun things...things i couldnt do because i didnt have the strength to move off the couch.

things will brighten up forsure!
and you will make friends!
&& don't forget, you have us too!

me and you can def relate even more since we're sorta kinda close in age... [[im a junior in highschool]]

feel free to message me anytime!!

stay strong hun!
Ashley<3 :laugh:

03-18-2009, 12:24 AM
oy, i feel your pain! i'm 23, recently graduated college, and now i'm a grad student. it is HARD. sometimes i'm just so tired and in so much pain that i feel like i can't keep up, and grad school is very demanding. sometimes i just break down. i've been considering joining a support group for lupus or something, and maybe you should too. i would love to meet people in person who are going through what i am because i really don't know anyone who has lupus. just a distant friend of a friend... which doesn't really help me too much.

i hope things get better for you very very soon.

03-22-2009, 04:31 PM
Be Positive, It is easy to say than done..
I hope you feel better sooon

03-22-2009, 09:28 PM
You may feel overwhelmed most days but you are not alone. I'm probably around your parents age but the feelings of being alone in a crowd are the same no matter how old we are and people can be cruel no matter what age they are. It truly is shocking how shallow and intolerant some people are.

I agree with what Saysusie wrote, do we really want to be accepted by people who are immature empty headed bimbos? People have treated me like a societal scum just because I function differently. Here's an example; some days I have to ride the grocery store scooters. One time a little girl pointed at me and asked her mother why I was riding the scooter. As they walked past the mother told her "because she's too lazy to walk." I was too stunned to speak!

But you know what? That shallow woman who is jading her little girl is not worthy to be my friend. I have some terrific understanding friends now, most of them have faced some form of adversity that has given them a charitable compassion heart.

You will have some terrific friends in your future too. You just have not met them yet. If you stick around this forum these incredible people here will surround you with love and support. I was really down in the dumps when I first started reading and posting. I only wish I had found them sooner. It would be an honor for anyone to be your friend.


03-22-2009, 09:45 PM
oy, i feel your pain! i'm 23, recently graduated college, and now i'm a grad student. it is HARD. sometimes i'm just so tired and in so much pain that i feel like i can't keep up, and grad school is very demanding. sometimes i just break down. i've been considering joining a support group for lupus or something, and maybe you should too. i would love to meet people in person who are going through what i am because i really don't know anyone who has lupus. just a distant friend of a friend... which doesn't really help me too much.

i hope things get better for you very very soon.

Congratulations Tasha!

What a wonderful achievement!

I hope you too can soon find supportive friends who understand. One of my best friends is the sweetest lady I actually met online. She is a cancer survivor and has been through so much. Even though we don't have the same medical problems, we have bonded as if we did. Medical adversity itself is a very spacious common ground. We live far apart but have managed to meet and spend a few days together. My other local friends have also faced medical challenges of one sort or another.

04-06-2009, 09:45 PM
Sorry I feel very disoriented now cause I eat like 60mg of steroids as Im having the worst flare up in 3 years and I asked the doctor for mc from school for a week. Now I start having headaches and migraines (having one now), with the sudden increase in steroids. I cant sleep at night! Any tips to get by?

Sighs. I want to find a cure for lupus. I got 5 tests next week. (I think.) But I know I can do it. I am in a college now, first year. I hope I dont get retain. Okay. Migraine coming. I go rest first.

sick n tired
04-06-2009, 09:57 PM
Hey How are you doing today...have you been able to take anything for the depression? I do hope that you are at least feeling like reading on this forum. I can understand when I am feeling super down that it is hard to talk to others but reading does help...

04-08-2009, 03:49 AM
Lupus comes with depression? So how do you all deal with it without medications? Im not taking any medication now and is depression caused by high doses of steroids? Please tell me! Thank you!

04-08-2009, 04:09 AM
Please do not feel that you are alone because there are a lot on understanding people all over and God will nevere leave you. I was 58 when i first knew about my illness and some days it is better than other days and i refuse to let it control my life and will do the best i can with Gods help to cope. I know the frustrations that you face and can sympathise with you so hang in there and know that there are better days ahead and there is always someone here on this site who understands your problems because we have been there. Love Bonita

06-28-2009, 09:50 PM
You are deffinately not alone! I am 19 diagnosed when i was 12. My cousin was my closest friend but her and everyone else only act like the love me when they need me... when they don't need anything they completely ignore me... so crappy... My mom and dad are the closest thing that i have to friends... i haven't had a best friend since i was like 9-10 and since then i have only had ppl who were nice to me when other ppl were around then after that they all ignored me...

life is so not nice sometimes... lol

message me anytime k?

06-29-2009, 03:15 PM
Sweetie, you most certainly are not alone. And I'm feeling so sad for you reading this. I'm quite a bit older than you, but understand how lost and alone you are feeling. Sometimes people don't understand what we're dealing with living with this disease. Sometimes when they don't understand the ups and downs of lupus they tend to ignore the person with it as a way of not having to deal with it. Also, some people are just plain mean. The only thing you can do with it is hold your head up high and remember the saying "The arse they kick today, may very well be the arse they have to kiss tomorrow".

I've lost most of my friends while dealing with this illness. I was once very active and outgoing, now I cancel plans all the time. So much so, that those once upon a time friends have stopped calling to invite me places. You really find out who the true people are in your life when you're struggling.

Everyone on here is dealing with this illness effecting all different aspects of their lives. Whether it be losing friends, struggling with simply trying to survive, searching for answers to this illness, or whatever. Everyone on here is struggling with something and very willing to help others that are struggling and suffering too.

I know it's hard for you right now. You're young and probably feeling like it's not fair that you have to suffer like this. You might be angry that while everyone else is busy worrying about what party they're going to this weekend and what the hottest gossip on campus is, you're stuck alone worrying about your hair thinning and falling out. Wondering if something will cause you to have an emotional breakdown today. You feel so alone, and that nobody out there understands what it's like to be going through what you're dealing with. You may feel like you have no friends right now, but I believe you have come to the right place.

These might just appear as words on the computer screen, but there is a very real person on the other side of this. A person with a heart and compassion, a person who knows all to well what it's like to suffer like this. Please give this forum a chance and get to know the people on here. They can be a great source for information, as well as that much needed shoulder when you feel so alone. I've been checking in on this forum pretty much everyday, if you need to vent, or just want someone to talk to that won't judge you, know that I'm only a mouse click away.

EDIT**Wow, just saw how old the original post is. But I still want to leave my response for all the others who may be feeling like this poor girl was.

07-02-2009, 02:30 PM
You are not alone. I understand as I too have felt alone, isolated, lazy, tired etc. ALL PART OF LUPUS!!! Yes it does suck but log on here and write how you feel good or bad and I can assure you will find a host of cyber friends who respond with love and understanding. You do have meaning and direction that is why you are a jr. in college. CONGRATS on that achievement alone! Sometimes to be or have the things we want we have to be/exemplify that ourselves for God to put our desires in our life. If you want friends...be a friend to an elderly person in a convelescent home whom you know has little to no family...if your immune system isn't too weak to do so. I think that may lift your spirits and put a smile on both your face and the person you are befriending. Just a suggestion. If your not comfortable with that then just keep posting here and see how many friends you make!!!