PDA

View Full Version : Im Just pissed off !!!!!!!!



SandraC1983
11-19-2008, 04:17 PM
:mad: :mad: Today is a bad day for me I cant seem to motivate myself for anything. Im so tired i hurt all over. I have taken my medicine and still I see no relief. My hands are swollen, My butterfly rash is lighter than it was last night. Im starting to have pain in my right kidney and im having trouble urinating. It's just another bad day for me. I went out today and even though its partly cloudy I can still feel my skin burning. It feels likes it boiling. But All I can do is stand my ground and make the best out of it. Everything is crashing down, I have cried all morning cause this is the worst i have felt since i got Diagnosed. People don't take this disease seriously. They see me all dressed up ready to go smiling and they say how can she be sick she looks fine . But deep down inside im in pain . I put up this front making it seem like im ok. But im not it hurts to think that people think im faking my illness but I know im sick . I have always complained that i have been ill and no one ever believed i was sick except my loved ones. I have heard comments from people you are always sick . You are just a hypochondriac. I am extremely pissed off at my mother in law and my husband. My mother in law had the nerve to tell my husband that I needed to find a job to help him. That all I do is SIT ON MY ASS ALL DAY. My husband agreed with her which totally pissed me off. First off he works in the oil field. he makes $5000.00 a month and he is fixing to get another raise. Im so angry!!!!!!!!! I feel like crap and I so feel like going to my mother in laws house and slapping the hell out if her! Who the hell is she to judge me and tell me im not sick that I am just acting like it. If I could have a drink right this minute i would ....... But can't This day cant get any worse........ :mad: :mad: :cry: :cry:

DrinkofWtr
11-19-2008, 04:32 PM
Dear Sandra C:

People have said the same thing to me. You look so well and they don't believe I am sick. Sometimes I feel just awful, but don't say anything because most people, except here on the forum, just don't want to hear about it. I guess they have their own problems and don't want to hear me complain. Everyday I have to hear my mom and dad say, "Did you work today?" They already know I have my good days and bad days and that I can't work every day. But I have to tell them, "No I didn't work today or yes I worked today." Some times I just try and ignore what people say to me. It's the only way I can mentally and physically survive!

SandraC1983
11-19-2008, 04:42 PM
at a point in time during my marriage my husband told me he was going to divorce me because i wouldn't get a job and now i think about it and maybe i should have taken that option. Its so much stress on me he wants me to work, clean, wash his clothes rub his back, cook. but what about me .... When i hurt and i ask it's like OMG he gets so pissed off .... when he is off from work he plays on his xbox 360 from 7 am to 12 or 1 in the morning this is all weekend Starting friday to Sunday he won't throw the trash........ cause he worked all week i should do it. im sorry i talking so much about my personal life but if i told my mother about this stuff she would have beat the crap out of him ......... im so stressed :bad-words:

KathyW1958
11-19-2008, 05:15 PM
Hi Sandra,
I feel so bad for you. It is not right for your husband to treat you like that at all. My husband had the idea that he was going to treat me like that and boy did he change his tunes when I went and visited a divorce lawyer and tossed his ass out. He changed his tune real fast and begged for another chance. I gave him that chance and I told him that if he ever dared tell me I waas lazy or faking or anything he would be out permanently. He is very understanding now and that was 14 years ago. If I were you I would not put up with that crap for one nano-second and boy the mother-in-law would get an earfull and her sons belongings, but then again that is just me. I am in no ways telling you to do that. You do need to have a good talk with him and maybe take him with you to the doctor and let the doctor talk to him and express to him just how serious and debilitating this lupus really is. I had my doctor talk to my husband and that helped too. Here you sure won't get treated like that. We definitely understand how you feel. What is sad is that a lot of people don't realize how sick we are, because we don't look sick and that makes the Lupus that much worse to live with. Please keep posting as we do care for you and about you.

Hugs,
Kathy

SandraC1983
11-19-2008, 05:44 PM
KATHY I HAVE A QUESTION FOR YOU .........SOMETIMES.... DURING FLARES I MEAN I DON'T WANT TO ASK MY DR THIS CAUSE THEN HE WILL COMMIT ME.......... BUT I HAVE SUICIDAL THOUGHTS... I JUST FEEL LIKE GIVING UP I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE ANY LONGER. DOES THAT EVER HAPPEN TO YOU.

rob
11-19-2008, 08:34 PM
Hi Sandra,

I read your words and they really hit me hard, because much of what's happening to you, also happened to me. I lost so much, family, friends, dreams. I had a day when I decided to give up, that I didn't want to be here anymore. I took it beyond just thinking about it, and I almost achieved it. That was the worst thing I have ever done to myself, and I was lucky to have survived.

I want to tell you that there have been a whole bunch of good days since then, despite the fact that I live with Lupus every day. I've made friends, had wonderful experiences, and so many other positive things. I would have missed out on all of that had I succeeded in killing myself. I do have my bad days, so I won't lie to you. It's very hard some days. But I know there are plenty of good times yet to come, and I'd be willing to bet that you have a whole bunch of good days ahead for you.

I know you feel hopeless. But that's a feeling, and it's not permanent. You are in a hole so dark and so deep you think you'll never see the light of day again. But I can tell you that you can, and will see that light again. Things can, and will get better. I understand your apprehension about talking to your Dr. about the suicidal thoughts. Do you have someone who you trust that you could talk to, a family member, friend, clergy possibly? If these thoughts persist, please, please talk to someone about it. You can always talk to us here, most of us are on here many times a day, so you'll always get a fast response for whatever you need to talk about. Please try to talk to someone locally as well. Someone who you can lean on for a bit. Just make sure if these feelings get stronger, if you are thinking about possibly hurting yourself, that you will first talk to someone about it.

There are more than a few of us here who have had the same thoughts. You are not alone. Hang in their the best way you know how. Things will get better. Don't isolate yourself, and feel free to vent here as much as you need to. We understand. Have a good night, and I'll check back in the morning and say hello.

Rob

P.S. If you are more comfortable talking about some things privately, you can PM me anytime, or e-mail me. My e-mail address is at the bottom of each comment.

KathyW1958
11-19-2008, 09:14 PM
Hi Sandra,
I just read your post. I will be very honest with you. I did feel like that right before I finally got diagnosed. I have not since then, because the doctor I saw diagnosed me and put me on medications and he also listened to me. I expressed to him that I was very very depressed and he put me on an anti-depressent. I did a lot of thinking about it and I realized that if I did end my life, then I would hurt so many people and shoot I would not be able to help anyone else that is trying to deal with this illness and I so want to help others to cope with this illness. You know there is no cure, but you can manage it. You need to see a doctor that will listen and work with you. Lupus runs in cycles between flares and remissions. You will have good days and unfortunately bad days. You have to figure out what works best for you and what your limitations are. Please believe me you can live with this illness. I have had it for 44 years at the very least. I have had some really good times and some really bad times. Please do not take your life though. Do not let this illness win. I am serious. I care for you and man I don't want to see anything happen to you. You are young and there is a lot that you can accomplish in life even with Lupus. I know that this is hard to see right now, but believe me it is true. I will be 50 in December. Quite honestly I am very lucky to be alive. Please don't commit a permanent solution to a temporary situation ok hon.

Hugs,
Kathy

SandraC1983
11-19-2008, 09:20 PM
I have no words at this moment to express how I feel.......... NOTHING
Why I don't know

Saysusie
11-19-2008, 09:47 PM
Sandra......I do hope you are still online. As you can see, this entire community here cares about how you feel, understands the pain that you live with day in and day out, truly understands your debilitating fatigue, and boy oh boy do we understand the depression!

You have every right to be angry..with your husband, your mother-in-law, with your doctor, and with this S@!@ disease which is at the root of all of your emotions. There is NOTHING wrong with your feelings, you are not wrong for feeling the way that you do. So many of us have been there and some of us still go there often.

What I want you to know is that you are not alone. Even if it feels like everyone around you is judging you, criticizing you, and denying how you feel.....you are not alone. For every person in your life who judges you, there is someone here who values you...for every person in you life who criticizes you...there is someone here who admires you.....for every person in you life who denies you, there is someone here who believes you. If you find no one else whom you feel is in your corner, please know that every single person here (and we are a global family here) will always support you because we have ALL BEEN WHERE YOU ARE.

Sandra, please let us be your comfort!! Please let us show you that you are not what others try to make you out to be. Let us show you that you are a brave woman who is living with a chronic disease; a disease that affects every single part of your body and if no one else can SEE your illness, we all know exactly what it is like to live with this disease and we need no physical proof to know that what you say you feel is the ABSOLUTE truth. You do not need a lot of words to tell us what you feel and how it affects you.

Also, do not ever think that this world would be a better place without you. You have no idea how many lives you have touched in a wonderful way, and how your being here has genuinely inspired someone. I admire you for what you have gone through for so long and for your strength to be able to say "I am here! Listen to me!!" There is someone, right now, who is thinking about you and who is so glad that they know you. Now, to prove that you've touched lives, look at how the members here have responded to you with understanding, support, comfort, and compassion. You are valuable because you are Sandra. There is no one else on this earth who is like you. You are irreplaceable and you are very much loved by someone (probably a lot of "someones").

You are tired of being in pain and being sick. You are in a low place right now. Let us help you to find your way back to a place where you can see the light. There are treatments that can alleviate some of your symptoms, let us help you find out what those treatments are. Let us help you to talk to your doctors in a way that demands that they take you serious and provide you with the type of care that you deserve. Let us help you to learn how to do some things that will help you to manage this disease. Let us help you to find a way to stand up to your mother-in-law and your husband without causing you additional stress. We are here TO HELP YOU. Please stay with us and let us do that.

I am going to sit here and pray that you read my post and that you respond. I will wait for you.

Peace and Blessings
Saysusie

jaideni
11-19-2008, 09:51 PM
Sandra I hope you feel better soon. I hope your husband didnt really mean what said to you but if he did you need to tell him how that made you feel and maybe consider that other option more seriously. My boyfriend also works and makes alot of money he doesnt complain anymore because I am in school but he has started with that whole rub my back when I come over after work and dont want to take the trash out for me but he has never made feel like I wasnt doing my part.
I have many suicidal moments I know I wouldnt do it but it doesnt stop the thoughts. There was the few times that I got in my car and drove for hours because I couldnt remember how to get home. Once I wanted to just drive off the road and once I just thought I should just keep driving until I run out of gas. Its scary knowing that those thoughts do come and they seem so powerful. I dont tel my docs either because I spent enough time trying to get diagnosed with something other than anxiety and dont want to revisit those days anymore. I hope you find someone here that you can confide in on a more personal basis. You can also pm me if you need to talk anytime. Try to remember the more positive things and people in your life and focus on those until you can find your way out. As for your mother in law she sounds a little jealous she might need to hear a few colorful words soon.

SandraC1983
11-19-2008, 10:59 PM
Thank you for your words................ I actually broke down and cried...... It makes me FEEL special that someone i barely know can actually care so much......... YOU MUST BE AN ANGEL IN DISGUISE. EVEN THOUGH I AM MARRIED I STILL FEEL ALONE I LONG FOR A TOUCH FROM SOMEONE TO HOLD MY HAND AND TELL ME I WILL BE OK.THANK YOU THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART

rob
11-20-2008, 06:32 AM
Hey there Sandra,

How are you doing this morning? You had one heck of a long, scary night last night. I hope you are doing OK this morning. Say hi when you can, and let us know what's going on.

Rob

KathyW1958
11-20-2008, 06:48 AM
Hi Sandra,
Are you feeling better today? I sure hope so. Whenever you are feeling down and lonely just jump on here and we will be here to talk with you. Believe me everyone of us here cares very much about you. I will keep you in my prayers that you will get to feeling better.

Hugs,
Kathy

sick n tired
11-20-2008, 02:09 PM
Hey Sandra,

I just read your posts...yesterday was bad for me and I was unable to get on. But it must have been just awful for you...I know how it feels when the dark of night makes everything feel worse...it always is somewhat better in the light of day. I hope that is how it feels today, for you.

My evil mother in law said those exact things and at the time I believed her and my husband. I did feel like I was lazy and a hypochondriac. No one ESPECIALLY my husband and mother and doctor believed that there was anything wrong. In the last 11 years, I have been close to suicide many times and that is much of it.

Last year I went out of desperation (and because of the extreme worry of two friends for me) to another doctor. He listened and did some new tests and ultimately dxed me. I now am with a Rheumy. Hubby had to hear it for himself and thought I was making it up.

As I said earlier, I have been close to suicide, but I decided I didn't want to give anyone the satisfaction of "being right" about me. meaning they all thought it was "all in my head" and then mommy dearest would be able to say "see, son, I told you so".

Sandra, hon,...Don't give that (w)itch (spelled with a B) the satisfaction. So she and her sonny act like a***...rise above it. You and your doctor know that there is something wrong with you...You are worth more than Mommy dearest will ever be...You have a whole community who value you and believe you...Try for now to hang onto that.

:smilecolros: :smilecolros: :smilecolros:
<<<<<<<HUGS,HUGS,HUGS,HUGS]>>>>>>>>>>>
:smilecolros: :smilecolros: :smilecolros:
These are the hugs from one daughter in law with a husband still attached to mommy's apron to another.

SandraC1983
11-20-2008, 04:30 PM
THOSE ARE ALOT OF HUGS I NEED ALL OF THEM CAUSE IM COLD AND THEY MADE ME FEEL BETTER THANKS SO MUCH.

rob
11-20-2008, 06:16 PM
Hey there Sandra, it's good to see you. I sent you a PM.

Rob

sick n tired
11-20-2008, 08:28 PM
You are cold....I believe that it will freeze tonight...I usually get much worse the colder it gets..ugh...I hope that you are warm and toasty right now.

SandraC1983
11-20-2008, 08:38 PM
what part of texas are you in im in southeastern NM ....... and boy was it windy and cold today .......... burrrrrrrrrrrrrr and i took my new meds and i feel a lil dumb right now lol :lol: plus im watching the football game on the nfl network. ITS SNOWING UP THERE I HOPE IT RAINS HERE SOON IT HASN"T RAINED IN OVER 2 months. as far as my depression so far i feel a little better......... esp after listening to xmas music and putting my decor up.........

sick n tired
11-20-2008, 09:05 PM
I live in the dfw area of Texas...more in the fort worth...the wind is really howling here...really cold but I am toasty at the moment...Christmas music and decorations...sounds like a good plan for a mood booster. :-)

SandraC1983
11-20-2008, 09:09 PM
YEAH BUT NOW MY KNEES HURT SO I NEED TO COVER UP MY LEGS .......... ITS GUSTIN UP TO 50MPH HERE ....... DOESN'T HELP MY ASTHMA EITHER. I WANT A FIREPLACE FOR XMAS. SO I CAN JUST SLEEP ON THE FLOOR IN FRONT OF IT

sick n tired
11-20-2008, 09:16 PM
SLEEP ON THE FLOOR??? I have fibromyalgia and that sure would hurt the hips. One of the things I like to do when it is sooooooo cold is take a warm bath. I am not supposed to take a hot one because of the dryness, but it sure isn't easy not making is really toasty.. sometimes I indulge anyway. :)

I noticed that my asthma has started kicking in this week. I haven't really been dx'd with it but I do have an albuterol inhaler. I used to think it was having cats, but there is not one living here and I am getting worse...hmmm

SandraC1983
11-20-2008, 10:00 PM
MY ASTHMA KICKS MY BUT ALL YEAR ROUND. AND IT SUCKS.. ESP WHEN ITS WINDY I HAVE TO PUT ON A MASK CARRY MY INHALER AND MAKE SURE MY IM NOT HOME ALONE. I USE TO SLEEP ON THE FLOOR ALL THE TIME.......... NOW HA I CAN'T SO I BOUGHT THIS TWIN MATTRESS SO WHEN I CAN'T SLEEP ILL PUT IT IN THE LIVING ROOM AND WATCH TV MY LITTLE GIRL SLEEPS WITH ME AND SHE LOVES IT BUT NOW ITS TO COLD AND WE CANT ANYMORE.

sick n tired
11-20-2008, 10:18 PM
So sandra you are still awake again at midnight...I hope it isn't because you are terribly ill or in pain tonight...

It must be cute to sleep on the floor with your little one.

NoodleMom
11-21-2008, 04:23 PM
Hi Sandra, Im Kasey. Welcome.

I was diagnosed with lupus a year ago. I am in a huge flare right now. Being ill sucks. I am so sorry that you have to endure people who dont understand What Id like to say about them would be censored. I will say what jerks.

While this is something I have not experienced at least not to my knowledge.
I have heard that it is a very common reaction and that just sucks. We are the invisible handicapped/disabled.


Kasey

rob
11-21-2008, 11:34 PM
Hey there Sandra, how are you doing? Saysusie is away from here for a couple of days. I spoke to her earlier today and she was asking about you. I told her you were doing OK. Problems are certainly not solved, but you are coping as best as you can. Somedays that's all we can do, but somedays that's all that it takes. I believe very much in the philosophy of one day at a time.

I know it can be bitter cold in the southwest at night, especially in fall and winter. Must be cold in N.M. tonight. It's a balmy 20 degrees here in Maine tonight. The water out in the bay is as smooth as a sheet of glass. No snow yet. Do you ever get any snow in your part of N.M.?

Anyway, I hope you are having a good night. I'll talk to you later.

Rob

mnjodette
11-25-2008, 06:18 AM
Hi, Sandra - keeping warm? I've never spent much time in the desert, but I know the nights can be very cold...bone chilling cold. I hope you're finding ways to manage your lupus. We're all here for you.

Jody