View Full Version : depression, grieving and anger. A RANT!!

11-16-2008, 01:33 PM
I think the headaches are a tad bit better. Went to the chiro. I will need to go again this next week to make sure that everything stays put.

I am depressed and I guess grieving. My therapist said that a lot of my emotion and mood is tied up with grief.

I hate my life. I hate being sick. But you all know this already. Im angry and pissed and just plain mad. This life sucks! There is no one, no where, nothing to direct this anger at.....I dont know what to do with it. Because I hurt Im cranky and take it out on my family. I want to go to church tonite but...do you know the story/analogy of the spoons? If I go to church tonite I will have to use some of tomorrows spoons. I have therapy tomorrow. I will need all of my spoons just to do that.

:mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad:

I have lost my rose colored glasses.


11-16-2008, 04:17 PM
How about a gentle hug and a few chipped dishes to smash on the floor?

Nah cause then we'd have to clean it up and my knees are too sore.

Vent away Kasey, you're right ... it does suck. It's a sneaky assed backdoor thief. Robbing us of time energy and joy.

Hope your therapy tomorrow is helpful. :fadein:

11-17-2008, 10:23 AM
Oh, no..you're in the stupid hole, Kasey. I just pulled myself out. I hope today you were able to find your rose colored glasses.

I know how you feel, and I know it will pass. It comes blaring out when we feel so overwhelmed. Sometimes it is hard to divert our pain, our frustration with our thoughts only. I found it relieving when I shared here. I hope you find that relief too...

Seeing a therapist has it helped with the grief? I am not certain of the grief you are feeling...is it the passing of your four year old daughter..hugs... or mourning your health loss or? If the grief therapy isn't helping maybe you should tell her that...and maybe she could provide different ways, different techniques to handle either loss....

Life, being ill , having an incurable disease does indeed suck. When I feel like I have no control over my anger at the disease and may verbally say something offending to my husband..I do the busy.

Busy with mindless things. Banging on the PC, playing online games...reading, chatting on the phone, napping, watching movies, cooking..and also take deep breathes, exhale through my nose slowly. Stretch. Sometimes just getting the oxygen flowing, warming the blood calms the mind...

Or I reason with my feelings...think before I say anything. For me, my frustration showing through anger is easy for me to resolve with any of the above...

But for me, the disease sucks, spirit altering is when I wander aimlessly into feeling I have no control over the disease and where it goes. When it taps into my spirit is when I spiral and usually anger isn't what I feel. I feel hopeless and depressed.

If depression happens often for you, have you ever been prescribed an anti-depressant? Just to help you get over the hump of your grief...

How is your sleep? Getting any? Maybe have your medicines reevaluated, readjusted? Some medicines create depression in me..very sensitive to the behavioral side effects..you too?

I hope in this day, you are able to find a break in your sadness, your anger...head hugs...if not, talk to us more of it. Times typing it out, helps tremendously...and to know we care...


11-17-2008, 07:10 PM
oh sitc, thanks for that. Id love to smash dishes, but you are right I wouldnt want to clean them up. With your knees and my junk theyed probably sit there a great long while.

Therapy was okay. Lots to think about. Gonna need to make some changes to use my spoons more wisely. Do you know about the spoon analogy?

Oluwa, Yeah I fell in this dark and mucky hole. The grief is about my health or lack of it. It does help. I discovered today in therapy that in this loss, in this grief as in the grieving I did with childhood abuse I am feeling powerless, not having any control. This grief is triggering those issues.

I am actually taking two anti-depressants. Cymbalta 120mg and Wellbutrin300mg. This bout of depression is fairly new. I have been ill for over a year.

I did have a short time of thinking I was getting better maybe going into remission when I hit a wall and started on the downward slope into hell again. I started to think that things were looking up. That I was getting better. Not to be. I fell several times and because of where we lived (having to trek the stairs several times a day to go potty) I never really got to recover day to day. Also the stress that I was feeling from fear of our neighborhood. It was not a safe neighborhood and I didnt feel safe there for me or for my children. I slammed into that wall hard and well......

So here I sit trying to figure out how to get from this place to the next, From total imersion in this pit to sadness to blah to ok I can cope. Stratagys that what I am to work on. I have an assignment from my therapist. I am to write about the anger that I am feeling. Just start writing and see what comes. For me when I can get in touch with that anger it can be a great motivator otherwise I just feel stuck with no options.

Thats for letting me vent, rant. I really have no other place that is safe. As wonderful as HubbyMan is he just really doesnt understand because he doesnt live in my body.

Gentle headhugs back at ya.


11-17-2008, 09:19 PM
Hi Kasey,
I hope that you get to feeling better and don't fall anymore. Staires are a nightmare. I have an awful time going up and down stairs big time. My daughter has staires in her apartment and I hate it with a passion. I refuse to go up and down the staires. When I watch my grandson, I make her bring everything I will need downstaires as I fell on those stupid staires once. I just hope that you get to feeling better.

I know about the spoon theory on the but you don't look site. It is neat.

Well I just hope that you get to feeling better.


11-17-2008, 09:32 PM
Hi Kasey,

It's a sleepless night for me, so I'm catching up on reading posts here. I have what I call "cold wet towel" brain fog tonight. Nothing new. Your words of frustration really are familiar thoughts. What the heck do you do to fight an invisible enemy. I've had a few adversaries, and bullies in my life, and I learned to face them all head on, and defeat them. When I was a kid, it was pretty bad. Pretty scary, but there was a face, and a name for my enemy. And there was a way to stand up to them. But this whole invisible, unpredictable thing called lupus is a faceless enemy.

It takes a shot or two, and then runs for the hills to take another few shots the next day. Fog, joints, my jaw cracking, the rash on my ankles, and the rest of it. What the heck do you do? I get so angry I want to just grit my teeth and scream, and just cut loose and let the enemy have it. I do things to blow off steam, and some days they work. Other days its an exercise in futility. I think you summed it up-the lack of control is the hardest part to deal with. Not knowing from day to day what we will be like. What we will, and will not be able to do. It really does get old.

I don't have any answers for you, or for me tonight. All I can really say is that we are both in the same boat, and I understand all too well how frustrated you are. Understanding others has to be worth something. At least we don't have to be silent and think there's nobody else out there who is like us. In some way, that has to help. I hope it helps.

It's time to try to sleep, again. Hopefully I'll nod off sooner or later, and get a few hours rest. Try to have a good night. I'll be thinking of you.


11-18-2008, 08:23 AM
Hi Kasey...

How are you today...a new day. New feelings? Hugs.

I think when friends, family, spouses don't get it because they really have nothing to compare it too. It is hardly like a cold or the flu.

I use to try to convey to my husband it can be like having the flu for months, skiing out of shape for a weekend. They can kind of recall the pain, but since it lasts only for a few days, the flu or physical pain from a ski trip it is hardly embedded in their memory. No mental scar to fear....

To help me when I was looking for compassion and empathy in such a capacity that only a person with a disease would understand. I found it is more important that I understand why people, family don't get it than it is for them to understand my woes, my pain...my illness. Because they do not have the disease. It does help my psyche to cope with that aspect of the disease.

A Chinese proverb....Be not disturbed at being understood; be disturbed rather at not being understanding.

I find people do have empathy and compassion but just not at the level we feel we need..we want them to really know, to feel it. They can't. They do not have it.

Your therapist has given you a great exercise....write it out. Anger, finding the cause helps us to gain control over it. Sometimes just being productive gives us control over the anger. Hobby, perhaps..card making, candle making...quilting...

I know life changes, moving, adapting to everything new is stressful. Igniting flares. I lived it, I am living it.

It may sound silly or even gross, think about a bedside bathroom chair....icka, yucka..but hey, I say anything to make my life easier and painless.

Be well...hugs.

sick n tired
11-20-2008, 10:36 PM
Hey Kasey,

Well it is a sleepless night again for me so I am trying to catch up.

I know when you wrote that it was a few days ago, I hope that you are feeling a little better emotionally...of course when you have no one or nothing to rant at then this is where you should come.

I like sitc idea of smashing plates...perhaps we should go to greece...isn't that where they do that and it is acceptable? Yeah, we could go to one of those restaurants or better yet crash a wedding and get into the throwing plates...I'm so there...want to come along?

I am thinking about you, tonight and am hoping that you are having a deep dreamless sleep.