View Full Version : I am so depressed........
10-21-2008, 05:39 AM
I just have to vent before heading off to work. I am soo darn depressed that I just cant take it anymore. I am on Plaquenil, Lexapro 20mg, and Straterra 80mg. I just wish they would help me out more with the depression part. Anyone else get this way? Does Lupus really cause depression? :?:
10-21-2008, 06:15 AM
I am sorry to hear that you are having a problem with Depression. I think that Depression does go along with Lupus big time. I have a real problem with it at times. Have you talked to your doctor about maybe giving you some medication for the depression. A few years ago I was on Prozac for very severe depression thanks to the Lupus and finding out at the time that my son had a bout with cancer. It was pretty bad to say the least. I hope that you can get over the depression.
There is quite a bit of research going on with regards to depression in Lupus patients. While there is not a clear cut traceable link yet between Lupus and depression, there is a consensus in the research/medical community that the two are indeed linked.
Something that is a fact, is that many people with Lupus are indeed diagnosed with clinical depression. It is not known if Lupus itself causes changes in the brain that lead to depression, or if the life-changing event of being diagnosed with this disease triggers the depression. Prednisone, which many of us take, is thought to cause depression in some people as well.
I think it's a combination of both the disease itself, and the stress and fear that comes with it. I have been dealing with major depression since my SLE diagnosis. Personally, I know that I'm a very different person now mentally. Could you talk to your Dr/Rheumo about a new, or different drug that could help? There are quite a few alternatives today, and many people respond well to the various drugs available. I see a counselor once a week, which does help to a certain extent. You might want to consider that option in addition to a new med. I hope you find something that can help you. You are certainly not alone, as many of us here are dealing with, or have dealt with depression.
10-21-2008, 07:18 AM
Welcoming you again...
Hey on your introduction page I wrote about Lupus and depression, how I think they come to be. How they dance step in step together..
If, you would like to talk more personally, an issue maybe we can help. I will be on vacation starting tomorrow..all are here to be of support with knowledge, suggestions and personal experience.
Sometimes while on anti-depressants and ADHD drugs, it can happen..to create more depression. Have you been evaluated for this?
When you feel you can't take it anymore, is it a moments thoughts only or a ongoing thought?
I have moment thoughts...where all seems unbearable. Where I felt so close to the dirt. This can't be my life, thinking. We have a chronic disease..like a nag, times we can quiet him and others he is all in our face..facing the beast again, and again..over and over, gets maddening.
Bntshep..do you have good days too? If not, and it seems like each day is grit your teeth and bear it...everyday is a challenge just to move forward, will you please see your doctor and have him reevaluate your medicine. Maybe there are newer ones out there...a different dosage or combination of drugs.
It is normal to have bouts of blahs, depression...but not if it is ongoing, especially while on medicine.
And as Rob suggested, seek counseling especially if you know the depression is life, issue related...sometimes we need an ear, so we can work it out within ourselves like a counselor who guides us. And sometimes we need a therapist who actually directs and changes our cognitive thinking, psychologist.
Head hugs...depression hurts, creates pain too, I know depression...hugs.
10-21-2008, 08:44 AM
Bntshep, you're not alone. I do have those days where all I want to do is stay home and watch tv in bed all day. My home's a mess and I know I have to clean and do laundry, but my mind and body just shuts down. Im unmotivated and feel so alone. This gives me so much time for my mind to wander to think about things, worry about things, telling myself to get up and do something. :(
But those bad days dont come everyday. But when they come around, its BAD. :cry: My body feels heavy, head-neck-back aches, you name it.
So you're not alone. If you ever need to vent please post up. I'd love to chat with you. :)
10-21-2008, 06:25 PM
Bntshep, you can see you have a lot of company. Depression and lupus seem to be inseparable. I find myself in that 'hole' from time to time, and sometimes it's hard to crawl back out. But, it's not all the time. It ebbs and flows, often with the cycle of a flare, but sometimes just out of the blue. My life is never going to be what it was, and there are days that just seems ENORMOUSLY unfair. Other days, I can work my way through it and move on. If you need help to get through it, please ask your doctor. On-going depression is serious - and there are answers.
We're always here for you. Come for a visit whenever you need someone to talk to.
10-22-2008, 06:29 AM
THANK YOU EVERYONE !!
It is nice to know I am not alone, and I will go back to my dr.(psych) and tell her what is going on. I dont feel like this every single day but when I do it is bad. Its great to have support! Thank you again!
It's good to hear from you Bntshep. You sounded pretty down the other day. My depression isn't every day either, but like yours, when it does happen, it's bad. Let us know what you learn from your Dr/psych. Hope you're having a good day today!
10-22-2008, 06:38 PM
Hi bntshep! Just wanted to see how you're doing. Hope you had a better day today.
Im sending you a big hug your way ((HUG)) :wink:
10-24-2008, 05:45 AM
I am having a better day today, my pain is minimal and its not taken over me for now..lol But thank you for your support, I will be checking back later! :lol:
10-24-2008, 10:04 AM
Hi bntshep. Depression is an awful feeling, isn't it? I seem to have my ups and downs lately myself. Telling everyone I'm fine, denying that dreaded "D" word. Realizing and accepting now the bouts of depression I seem to have lately. I do notice it comes and goes, not an every day thing. I thought it was everyday, thought over it when I had a good day or so. Saddness is hard to deal with, so is feeling worthless. Everyone here is great, so helpful. If it wasn't for them, who knows what state I'd be in. Probably denile and shutting down emotionally inside, watching life going by and not caring. Vent, chat, whatever you wish. Just keep talking, it helps.
10-27-2008, 12:04 PM
I have to say I am in the same boat :(..I am a very emotional person by nature anyway but at 15 I went through a 2 yr depression so bad due to my symptoms one of which was seizures and no support that I resorted to cutting. Now just these past few weeks or month or so I have been depressed again...it wasnt until the other night I realized how bad it was. I actually felt so lousy I got anxious and felt suicidal during a fight with my bf. I wonder if the relationship is even worth it. Sometimes he supports me and sometimes I think he doesnt...sometimes i take things the wrong way or out of context and sometimes he says hurtful things....my mother was never one to believe me which is why I still have no diagnosis to this day. I go see a rheumy finally..(ill be 21 nov 7th and have had main symptoms since 15 and leg pain since around 8 yrs old which my mom blew off as growing pains) nov 12th. I really hope it doesnt take long but Im not so sure it will be so easy....Im not expecting it to from what ive read and heard about the diagnostic process for lupus. I got an ana and esr done at my pcp's office but they came back normal...however I only had the leg pain at the time and everything else seemed to come after gradually. Flare up im guessing? Anyway, I hope I can find some answers and I wish everyone well. Take care and God Bless. You are in my prayers :) -Brit
10-27-2008, 12:26 PM
I hope that you get to see a Rheumatologist. Have you requested a referral to a Rheumatologist? You don't have to have a positive ANA to have Lupus as there is a type of Lupus that is Sero-negative. Have you made an appointment to see the doctor about the depression? I hope that you do not do anything to harm yourself. When you get depressed just jump on here and post. We all care very much for and about you. There will always be someone here to talk to you. I hope that you keep posting ok.
10-28-2008, 07:05 AM
I can tell you that for me, the first sign I often have of an impending flare is suicidal ideation. It literally took me years to see this, and near fatal drug interaction (prednisone and Strattara together) brought it together.
I know that long before I knew solidly about the lupus, I had suicidal depression intermittently, though I had never attempted suicide and I would not. It was just there. Both of my therapists during those years had a hard time with it and tried about everything from being understanding, sending me to someone for medication, and even trying to scare it out of me. One of them actually yelled at me once. Nothing worked. I kept trying to tell them, SOMETHING is wrong with me physically that I am so debilitated and tired. I think THAT is causing the depression, not depression causing the symptoms, these are NOT somatic (depression caused) complaints!!!! If you fixed the physical, I would no longer be depressed. I was, of course, poopooed for this.
I think that the nature of lupus, never knowing what is going to cut loose next is at the root of so much our depression. You can't plan to clean the house on the weekend because work takes so much out of you that you will have to sleep through those 2 days. You can't plan a fun night out with someone you care about because on Friday nights you are woozy exhausted and can't have a good time, and any fun you do have will be wiped out with the fatigue and malaise of tomorrow. You have to pay for everything you do. (Look up the lupus and the spoon theory, if you don't already know about story.)
FOR ME, the not knowing what was going on, the fear that I had all these kids to take care of alone and I was dying, but no one cared or would help, was horrendous. Knowing what it is and having a game plan seemed to lift the depression. Prednisone has been a miracle for me. At 10 mg, I am not depressed and suicidal thoughts only come when I am starting into a flare and I can manage them by self-care, which is perfect for the flare as well. I don't do too much of that anymore in any case. I am a doer and very type A. If I can do my work, and I am working full time for the first time in 20 years because I can now, and if I can keep up with at least some of the housework, I don't feel so depressed. I feel like I can live my life.
I am not trying to blast or blame you for your depression. I think, have always thought, that much of coping with a long-term illness is attitude. I will also say that you can't have a decent attitude when you feel like a dog pile! I spent years with a horrible attitude of fear and anxiety, of not knowing, of feeling helpless and of having my body literally attacking itself. I have tried every antidepressant and I am allergic to them all. This depression would have to be something I tackled on my own. I have stopped beating myself up about what I can't get done and focus on what I can. Being so type A, a tidy, clean, organized house is what I crave and I can't get it done. Oh well has to be my attitude. I'll get to it when I get to it.
Personally, to deal with all of this is to wade, but not swim the river in Egypt (de NILE). I might tell someone in passing, when my cheeks look like I have had a dose of sunburn, that indeed, I have SLE. Then, never to act sick and when I feel bad, to smile and act like I am fine. I fake it till I make a lot of the time. I don't say no I can't do that at work, I just do it and no one has to know, or at least I pretend they don't know I have SLE. I don't expect anyone in the world who doesn't have SLE to understand my path. I don't discuss this with my children and when I have to go to bed early because I can't move anymore, I tend to say I had a hard day at work rather than remind them I am sick and always will be. I find that pretending I am fine, all the while my internal radar is checking for signs of illness, works for me. This works well unless I shut down that radar, let my guard down for a bit. Then, I didn't see flare coming, I didn't rest enough, I didn't listen to my body because I am tired of having to hear it. As time goes on, I am better at pretending and much better at listening.
My advice to you, odd as it sounds, is to do something different that is just for you. Have a hair cut, have highlights. Buy yourself a new top that doesn't make your face look any more red than it has to be, something soft that doesn't make your skin hurt (I have this problem). Have a new pair of shoes that make you feel pretty. My favorite is to spend a whole $2 on a new lipstick. It is often the littlest of things that can lift a mood. Feeling attractive and looking good goes a long way to feeling better inside, including depression.
10-28-2008, 08:18 AM
I read your post and looked up the spoon theory. I had never read that before. It was wonderful, thank you.
10-31-2008, 12:31 PM
Thank you for your concern. Yes I have an appt with a Rheumatologist nov 12th. I would never harm myself again like I did before because I have learned with age that it is merely in your head so you have to fight it. Not let it consume you. I will talk with my Rheumy about getting an appt with a psychologist however I think once Im put on meds it will help. Im glad to hear you can have lupus with a negative ana. All the books I read say you cant so idk. Its bothersome. Im doing better in the emotional dept right now. Taking my 16 month old son trick or treating :) Happy Halloween and hope you have a good night and weekend! *hugs* -Brit
P.S. We ALL can get through this :) Keep your heads up!