View Full Version : My heart hurts....

10-12-2008, 03:11 AM
I received a phone call from my sister last night.

She asked me if any of our cousin's had called. I filled with dread.

No, I told her.

She said that our favorit auntie had passed away on Friday. She was very upset that non of our cousins had called to tell us. Our families had been very close when our mother was alive.

When she died suddenly from a heart attack (lupus related) my aunt was devestated.

Our cousins started pushing us away. When my sister was diagnosed with lupus it became obvious that they did not want us in their lives.

Except for our aunt. She always made a point of telling our cousins that we should be invited to all family events because she wanted us there.

I have a sinking feeling that we are not welcomed at her funeral and it breaks my heart because I know she wouldn't want that.

I'm not sure how this is all going to pan out. I am going to my sisters today. It's thanksgiving in canada. So we're having our turkey dinner together.

This next week is going to be rough. I broke out last night in hot flashes and my face flared with a rash, this added to the mouth sores and swollen legs, I feel like throwing a bag over my head and hiding in a dark corner.

I miss my mom so much, and now her sweet and gentle sister has gone to be with her. My heart hurts so much.

Thanks for listening

10-12-2008, 05:41 AM
I'm sorry you've had so many bad things happening lately. You can't seem to get a break either health-wise or emotion wise. Seems like everything happens all at once. Family disputes and problems can be some of the most stressful things in life. I hope you can go to her funeral service, especially since your Aunt would want you to be there.

Have a happy Thanksgiving. My mother is Canadian, and we're having a little get together for Thanksgiving today too at her house. I'll be thinking of you.


10-12-2008, 06:01 AM
Thanks Rob,

I think my sister and I agree that we will handle this as our mother would have wanted. Dont make any waves and just let people grieve.

If they dont want contact with us, then so be it. No point in making a fuss.

10-12-2008, 06:19 AM
As for my flare, this usually happens when I'm stressed....and I am :(

10-12-2008, 08:37 PM
Oh, Susan...

I missed your post from earlier this day...Head hugs, girl. I am sorry your heart hurts so...

I do hope you go to the funeral and/or wake...to say your goodbyes, your love to your Auntie. I think you will feel a greater loss if you don't. In and out...at the wake. No conversations is needed with anyone. Services are for the grieving to say what their heart feels...not for the crowd, the living relatives who are in the parlor.

Usually people are polite and courteous on those occasions...I do hope you and your sister go...just go in holding each others hand, say your words at your Aunties side and leave.

Sometimes funerals, the burial is different, immediate family only..leave flowers after they leave or the following day...

Don't let anyone stop you from saying your heart, not even a cousin...it wasn't their life...

Don't hide, put cool compresses on your cheeks...

I wish I could mend your heart, Susan...head hugs..tight ones...it hurts to miss a Momma, I know. I am sorry you feel that.
Hugs full of love,

10-13-2008, 03:06 AM
Awww thank you Oluwa

My brother is on his way as well, yes we are all going to the funeral. It's Wednesday morning.

I'm going to have to have a chat with my brother and get him to calm down. He's pretty worked up about the whole thing.

You are 100% right. It's not about family dynamics it's about our personal grief for the loss of someone we love and cherrish.

It's my sister's and my intension to go and pay our respects to our auntie and leave.

I just need to get my brother to calm down, he's not doing himself or anyone else any good by being worked up.

I think everything will be okay. I'm pleased my sister is of the same mind that I am. No sense in all the drama so we'll just walk away from that.

10-13-2008, 03:41 AM
Hope you had a good Thanksgiving yesterday Susan. We had a good one at Mom's house. Hope your Monday is tolerable (I hate Mondays).

10-13-2008, 04:04 AM
My brother is on his way here....we really need a "not amused" smiley face thing.

I spoke with him on the phone last night and he drove me nuts. Lots of woes me and heavy sighs and speaking in the "someone has died" low voice so you can barely make him out.

I know that sounds cold and I really don't mean it that way. But he will go on for 3 hours on the phone like that. And it was cooking my last nerve.

I will be patient with him...I will...really...I will :lol:

10-13-2008, 04:50 AM
Susan, SITC...

I'm am happy you are going, really. I understand the Auntie Momma connection. The only sister of your Momma because I feel that way about my 87 year old Auntie in the UP. She is the only sibling connected to my Mom now....

When we go to the UP, I want to hear her stories of yesteryear, take a sauna...learn a bit of Finnish..make cookies for her....

It may seem cold in words on a screen about your brother, but it isn't. You are not a cold person, just grieving and coping.

I hope the mourning of her loss is soon eased by celebration, memories filled with laughter and smiles...head hugs.


10-13-2008, 05:14 AM
Thanks for understanding Oluwa,

While I miss the ability to visit with my auntie and enjoy the fact that she is so much like my own dear mother, her own grief over the loss of her sister was enormous.

My heart is at piece as I think of them being reuinted finally. My deepest grief is for the suffering of my uncle. His love for his wife runs deeper that words can say. Truely one of the greatest loves my eyes have ever witnessed.

It hurts knowing that I am cut off from him. My sister and I have been pushed away by our cousins. So be it, there's nothing I can do about that with out causing my uncle a great deal of stress. So I keep him in my heart and in my prayers.

My brother has been steadily become more and more morose over the past 2 yrs. My sister and I have spent a great deal of time trying to reach through to him and let him know that we love him dearly and needs to take care of himself and find the joy in life.

All he ever finds is something to worry about, or fretts himself in to a corner over little details.

It's hard trying to cut through his fog. I wish he would seek professional help and actually "hear" what is being told to him.

He doesn't take very good care of himself physically or mentally. He's just sinking deeper and deeper into a black hole.

We have tried everything we can think of to help him realize that he needs to stop worrying about his health and start taking an active role in caring for himself. He wont start to feel better till he treats himself with some respect.

I'll stop there...I am worried about my brother and just want him to find some joy and peace.

10-13-2008, 05:42 AM
I've known people like your brother, and most of them had various problems with depression. Sometimes outside stress brought on the depression, other times depression was the core problem which brought on all the morose thoughts and the other problems you mentioned. All these people neglected themselves, and their health. Has anyone ever suggested to your brother that depression could be something he has?

10-13-2008, 06:44 AM
Yes and he has sought council, but he doesn't follow through on their suggestions he just worries that his problems are larger than they suggestions they make for him.

If he would just try to follow the advice he's been given and give it time to take affect.

He feels if he does what he's told for a week and there's no result then it's not working and he slides back to wear he was in the first place.

What makes it harder for him is being isolated in Montreal from his family and friends. Out side of his work he does not have a good social net work.

Well..the house is almost clean and he should be hear soon. Keep your eyes crossed for me and I'll try to behave :lilangel:

10-13-2008, 09:09 AM
That actually sounds alot like me. One of my very first posts here was all about isolation and depression. It took me some time to finally let the counselor through the mental wall that I put up. I almost quit going a couple of times.

Could you maybe make a deal, or some sort of agreement with your brother for him to see a councelor for a couple of months regardless of whether he thinks it's working or not? I had to force myself to keep going to the councelor, and then one day, it just clicked, and I realized that it was not a waste of time, and that it was helping me big time. Maybe if he can just keep going it will suddenly click for him too.

Maybe tell him that the events of his life that have brought him to this level of depression didn't just happen overnight, and there is no fix or treatment that is going to just work over night either. It took time to become the way he is. It will take time, and effort to undo that. Dealing with a friend, or family member who you know needs help can be incredibly frustrating. You see their problem and you want to help them to help themselves, but it's really hard if they don't want to help themselves. You can lead a horse to water.... I hope he can accept the help he needs. He's lucky to have someone who cares as much as you do.


10-13-2008, 12:33 PM
Hugs Rob,

My brother was here for 3 hours, he's now on his way to visit with my sister. We had a great visit and a wonderful talk.

:D I behaved.

He has gone back to counciling, and he actually sounded much better.

I asked him why he sounded the way he did last night, he said mostly cause he didn't know the right things to say and he was feeling guilty because the last time he was down we all asked him to go visit our aunt and he didn't.

I could have smacked him. Our aunt loved us all very much in an accepting and unselfish manner. He should know that she wouldn't think badly of him.

Any way ... it's a load of my chest that he not only sounds good but he looks good too.

Also my cousin called (which is the first contact made in quite awhile)

Things were smoothed out and I think that Wednesday will be a good healing time for all.

I actually didn't sleep well last night worrying. Now I'm very tired and think I'll go for a nap.

Hugsss and thanks again for being here :)

10-15-2008, 12:20 PM
I went to my aunts funneral this morning. It was a lovely service and it was great to be reunited with the family.

My Uncle has told me he wants me to come visit so I made it known to those who were keeping me at a distance to brace themselves cause I always do as my Uncle says.

I'm so happy to be able to have contact with him again. My husband loves him dearly too.

They actually sang my favorit hyms Prayer of Saint Francis and Amazing Grace. :)

10-15-2008, 12:40 PM
I'm so glad you were able to go, and that it all went well. Sounds like it was a really nice service. Your uncle sounds like a good guy. Where does he live? Amazing Grace is a great hymn. When my friend Jon was killed last year, an Army Musician played Amazing Grace on the Bagpipes, really beautiful.

Things are kinda hectic here. Got a Neuro appt. tomorrow, but getting through town will be a huge pain. One of our V.P. nominees is making a campaign stop here tomorrow, and the Secret Service has everything shut down and in disarray. Security is important, but it's still a pain.

You've had a long day, you must be tired. Kick back and relax.Hope you have a good night.


10-15-2008, 01:21 PM
My Uncle lives just a couple of streets away from me. I used to go visit every Sunday and once through the week.

But when my Aunt started to go down hill I was informed by other members of the family that visits were by invatation only and not to hold my breath.

I was very hurt.

Uncle's eyes lit up when I told him to be expecting a call from when things settled down, perhaps in a day or two, and would begin visiting with him and share a wing.

Uncle always offers a drink when you come over. When you've finished it he says you must have another, you cant fly on one wing.

Dont get me wrong, he's not much of a drinker. But he does like a cold beer now and then. He's 90 yrs old :lol: hope I'm that fiesty and get to live that long :) and still enjoy being here for that matter.

10-15-2008, 01:33 PM
One wing. I love it. I have a great uncle out in Vancouver who's 80 now, and he's the same way. He's not a big drinker, but he always pours me a shot of Single Malt Scotch. He's a hoot. He just earned his pilots license, and married a "younger woman", she's 65. Can you imagine, learning to fly at 80? It's great to see him living his dreams. Anyway, I read about your call, and cyst #2. Unbelievable to tell you not to worry about it. Hope you get answers, and soon.

10-27-2008, 05:18 PM

We had another death in the family this past weekend...it's like they are all going home.

My father's younger brother passed away saturday night. It was unexpected. On one hand I feel numb and on the other hands I feel like I'm reliving the death of my parents again.

My mother passed when I was 27 and my father joined her when I was 30.

I feel jipped...all these years I haven't had my parents to turn to for advice and comfort.

My cousins are leaning on me (which is fine, truely I'm glad to help) It's just that I'm a little jealous because they've had their parents all these years.

My words of comfort to them are just that they have headed home to be with their parents and their brothers and sisters.

This week has taken a toll on me. I feel as flat as a pancake.

Pretti in Pink
10-28-2008, 04:32 PM
I'm sorry for your deaths and I hope you continue to come to us and are able to discuss your feelings because that's what we're here for.

You and your family will continue to be in my prayers.

10-29-2008, 04:32 PM
:) Thank you Pretty in Pink,

Today was stressful, the funeral is tomorrow and I'm spreading my self pretty thin.

I'm waiting for my sister to call me back, we are trying to co ordinate all the aged aunties and uncles so we can get them to the church and seated safely.

I didn't sleep well last night, I dreamt about the funeral all night :?

I've been hoping to have a dream of my mom. I usually do so when I'm stressed. She makes me a nice cup of tea, even though I hate tea hahaha mom could never keep it straight that my sister is the tea drinker.

But I love those dreams. It's like a visit. She knows she's not alive and so do I but it's like god gave us a little visitation right.

Pretti in Pink
10-29-2008, 04:46 PM
You hang in there and know that tomorrow you will not be alone in spirit. I hope you will feel all of the support we are sending your way.

10-30-2008, 02:46 PM
Well, it was a long day.

My boss was very unhappy about my leaving to go to the funeral :?

She told me to try and make it back before closing.

That didn't happen. I tried to call her but she didn't answer and I went in to her voice mail.

:P I think I said something that I shouldn't have, I thought I had hung up but I think the voice mail was still recording, sooooooo I might get a very cold reception tomorrow...and no I'm not going to repeat what I said :D

Any way ... the priest said something that struck a cord with me.

He said, "It's not our strengths that measure our worth, but our weaknesses and how we deal with them."

I thought of all the wonderful people here, and how we are all trying our very best to deal with how our bodies betray us and I said a little prayer for strength and wisdom for us all.

10-30-2008, 03:43 PM
Hi Susan,

I know you've had some rough days lately. I hope things calm down in your life. When it rains, it certainly does pour, doesn't it. Your boss sounds like a real jerk. Does she realize that someone has died? You should be the one who gives her a cold reception tomorrow.

I agree with the words of the priest. I've always thought that judging a person by the mistakes they've made really meant very little. It's how that person dealt with the mistake that was important. Kinda the same philosophy I suppose. I hope you don't have a bad day tomorrow with the boss. Look at the bright side. Tomorrow is Friday! Have a good night.


sara akhtar
10-31-2008, 12:49 PM
Hi Susan

Hope it went OK with your boss today? Keep smiling frothy - you are coping well with all life is throwing at you at the moment.


10-31-2008, 05:44 PM
My boss was great about my voice mail message. The only thing she said was "you must have been very stressed" and I was.

My Uncle who lost his wife two weeks ago dropped a bomb shell after the funeral that has left me emotionally gutted.

Understand please, that he is a lovely man. He has a beautiful heart, he's sharp as a tac at 90 yrs, he has a wonderful sense of humor.

Our families shared a house for awhile and then we all moved into an apartment building and lived accross the hall from each other. It was hard to tell where one family ended and another started.

He is a second father to me and I love him very much.

Over the past few years I've watched him grieve for many a lost friend, family member or loved one who has crossed over and gone home.

He feels left behind. He doesn't want to live anymore and he said so in very clear terms. He talked of ending his life and how he was going to do it.

My heart is breaking for him. He misses his peers and his wife and his loved ones. He feels like there is nothing left for him here.

He has lots of children and grandchildren who are keeping close to him and I live very close to him as well.

I'm walking a fine line between keeping him close and giving him some alone time as well. I'll try not to drive him bonkers, but I wont give up on helping him to find some joy in the life that he has left.

Thanks for listening.

10-31-2008, 05:48 PM
I feel so sad for you and your Uncle. Hopefully he won't do anything to harm himself. I will have him and you in my prayers.


10-31-2008, 06:23 PM

I take back what I said about your boss. She obviously knows what is going on, and I'm glad she understands. As for your Uncle, please stay with him. Be a pain in the butt. Don't leave him alone with his thoughts right now. He's considering a permanent solution, to a temporary problem. Yes, what he's feeling is temporary. It's temporary in that what he feels right now, can be accepted. The sadness, and the emptiness does not go away, but you learn to live with it, and accept it. After that, you realize that life goes on.

Stay with him, and let him know he will not feel this way forever.

11-01-2008, 01:40 AM
Kathy thank you for the prayers, he really needs them. He's always been very strong is his faith. So for him to say out loud that he will take his own life MUST be taken seriously.

Rob thank you for your words. I have been on the fence as to whether I was over crowding him vs. giving support.

He is such a lovely person ... I hate to see him give up. Pehaps he's not giving up...just giving voice to what he's feeling and letting us know how much he needs us.

11-01-2008, 06:52 AM
I sent you another PM Susan. Hang in there.