12-19-2002, 10:18 PM
Tonight I went to a Christmas dinner alone with my husband of 26 years. I did not feel at all like going. I have hurt all day. I got little sleep last night because I just could not get my feet warm enough to stop hurting! I thought the hour long ride each way to the dinner would give me a chance to tell him what the Dr. thought about my test results. I just couldn't do it. I don't know why. I just can't get the words out. I have always talked to him about everything. I know how much he depends on me and we have taken on such a big responsibility with adopting 9 children in the last 6 years after raising our three bio children. This was my dream and he supported me in it 100%. I just can't let him down by being sick. I just pretend I'm fine and try to minimize the arthritis pain,horrible headache and chills etc.... The more I read the more I'm convinced that this is Lupus. I feel that I've had it for a long time. I'm so afraid of the damage it may have already done. I can't believe I just ignored so many symptoms for so long. It seems that I could always find an excuse for being sick,hurting or anemic or cold or the rashes or the kidney trouble,hair loss, you name it. I just never put it all together. I've always been very active and had a strong work ethic....pushing myself to the limit and enjoying every minute of it. Up until now that seemed to work. Why is it that until you know something is really wrong that you don't even give the symptoms much more than a second thought and just go on with life.....doing your part to save the world.....then you are given a diagnosis and suddenly you feel rotton and like a very ill person? I want to just forget I ever went to the doctor. Thanks for being out there in cyberspace. I just needed to vent. Anyone else felt this way?