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View Full Version : BROWNEYEDGIRL BACK IN THE SADDLE AGAIN !!



browneyedgirl53
06-18-2008, 11:22 PM
Holy Guacomole....friends; It's been a long dark journey I was on and I accidentally fell in the ditch of despair for a bit. Trying to manage lupus and having lost my job sent me whirling in a tailspin that wouldn't stop.

I was hospitalized in March with blood clot in my lung....very scary. My usual optomistic sunshiny attitude took a nose dive when this last bout kept me in the hospital for so long. My mom came up from New Mexico and stayed for the entire month of April. There's nothing like a mother's love to soothe your aching heart. While she is in absolutely perfect health, she is so very compassionate and wasn't leaving until she felt that I had a handle on my life.

The application process for long term disability from my company; and then simutaneously applying for Social Security disability was a bit much to take on at the same time. Don't ask me what I was thinking....it was that panic that drives you towards a frenzy...and well frenzied was my constant state of being until Mom arrived.

Depression is nothing to shrug off, as I have so brutally found out. I used to think if I kept busy enough that these "feelings" would go away. Thank God for best friends....and that's when my best friend; said to me "something's wrong and you need to see a doctor"....why is it that we tend to believe that stupid stigma "that depression is a sign of weakness"?
Day by day and one scary step at a time - with the help of an oustanding therapist....and let's not forget the drugs....I finally feel that the "winter" of my life is behind me. (whew, sisters & brothers - you don't want to go down that road alone) By God's grace, our precious SaySusie has thrown out the life-jacket to make sure I hadn't wandered off too far for her reach. I'm beginning to think that sweet angel friend of ours, has wings tucked up under there somewhere!

Well, there is so much I need to catch up on with everyone; miracles that have happened; insighful conversations to share.....but it's late and I'll sign off for now...but if you'll have me - I'll be back tomowwo!

In closing, my heart is so full because not one day went by that I didn't think of this precious place and how many loving, encouraging, and support "nuggets of love and truth" I have gathered here. Hatlady, Oluwa, and on and on and on....I'm babblin' now....so I know it's time to go!

I HOPE YOU WILL WELCOME BACK YOUR PRODIGAL SISTER, WHO THOUGHT SHE WAS STRONG ENOUGH FOR THIS JOURNEY ALONE.....AND I CANNOT, I NEED YOUR LOVING WORDS OF WISDOM, YOUR ENCOURAGEMENTS....BUT I MOSTLY WANT TO LET YOU KNOW....YOU'VE BEEN MY FAMILY AND i LOVE YOU FOR ALL THAT YOU HAVE BROUGHT INTO MY LIFE......hopefully you will forgive me (no spankings, please).

My heart is so full. I promise I will never stray that far and stay so long. I don't know how Moses could hang out around that mountain 40 years...egads - I've been gone a few months and I want to come back home to my "lupus family".....if you'll have me back.

My deepest love to all,
Browneyedgirl

KathyW1958
06-19-2008, 03:08 AM
Welcome back browneyedgirl. I am fairly new here too.

Hugs,
Kathy

Oluwa
06-19-2008, 04:56 AM
Well, hummm...I dunno..

Of course girl, we will take you back. I never felt you left us though. I thought you were just taking the long way around. I waited, but not without concern. I care very much.

I know the rough patch, the hole, the ditch very well. Had you seen my name carved in the wall. Oluwa was here. Instead of counting down the days. I counted each day that past, days I lost....I am happy you found your way up and out. To savor the days, to savor the thought of a good one, when we are not feeling our best. Those can be our saving grace too.

You had so much going on, physically, financially, the red tape of the application process...no wonder you felt overwhelmed with panic. I am happy Mom was able to be with you. Any age, we always need our Mum, we are always their girl.

Though my Momma has passed, we talk...I hear her words guide me in my heart. Guiding me when I cry, when I need confidence...when I need thee girlfriend. When I share the happy.

I think the stigma of depression comes from... we are afraid to be label as mentally ill, so many do not seek help. We feel guilty, shame, flawed. One person at a time we can change how we perceive depression. It is real, more painful then a broken arm. The worst kind of pain is the one we or no one sees. Pains of the mind, pains of the heart..always hurt the most.

I am so happy you sought out help, and your best friend was able to see it, and you were able to see it too.

Sometime we just need someone, therapist, to help us organized our emotions, guide us through so we can find ourselves... your optimistic sunshiny attitude that we so missed. But know, being optimistic, upbeat everyday is a hard emotion to maintain...it is okay to stumble, just not to stumble so long that the crack becomes a ditch.

I am happy that you were not alone while you found your way, Browneyedgirl. I worried you were struggling alone...

I've missed you, we've missed...big tight head hugs...squueeze..

Hugs full of love,
Love,
Oluwa

Saysusie
06-19-2008, 08:06 AM
Hello My Sweet Friend :lol:
I am sooooo happy to see you (yes, I see you in my heart) and to read your words. I know, all to well, where a deep depression can take you and I also know how a good therapist and the right medication can feel like a hand guiding you out of a deep dark hole. It is a process, one that I am happy to hear you are willing to continue in. That stigma about needing emotional help does much more harm than good, doesn't it? To me, I feel that it is equally important to take care of our emotional health as it is to take care of our physical health. The two are intertwined and one cannot heal with out the other.
I am so supportive of this fact that I now brag about the fact that I have a therapist. You see, it also take a very strong, determined and astute person to seek that type of help and to follow through with it. So, for you to say that you are getting emotional health says to me that you are a strong woman, you are an intelligent woman, and you are a determined woman! So, I congratulate you for taking that step and for sticking with it.
We missed you terribly (and you know how much I missed you - I started doubting myself because I missed you so much), but you were always here in our thoughts and we sent out immense amounts of love and prayers for you. So, now those prayers have been answered and you are back. There is, absolutely, no need for scolding. Our sister was struggling, we were praying for her, and she has returned to us. There is a celebration in order now!
Welcome Back Browneyedgirl :multi: :onfire: :smilecolros: :BIG:

Peace and Blessings
Saysusie

laurid8967
06-19-2008, 08:17 AM
Hello Browneyedgirl -
I am new here, my name is Lauri. It appears that you are a longstanding member of this board which says to me right away that you must be a great person! I am happy to hear that you have found a way "out of the pit" as I like to call it. I was so stubborn for years about being depressed and refused to take that step in seeking help. I have since that time, and I thank God everyday that I did. This, combined with the proper meds and my close relationship with God, are what keep me "out of the pit" most of the time. I still have my "cover" days (I put the head under the covers and dont come out!), and Ive been told that is OK - I just cant stay there! lol.
Anyway, I am happy that you made it back - you were obviously, very missed and are very loved by your friends here. Welcome back, and I look forward to getting to know you!
Lauri

PS - To everyone - I have a GREAT book by Beth Moore called, "Get Out of That Pit" (she siigns it, "from a former pit dweller" !). It is really inspirational, and based on scripture. Im not sure what everyone's personal choice is regarding spirituality, however, this book is wonderful for those who are interested! Just thought Id share...

mnjodette
06-19-2008, 02:38 PM
Oh, Browneyedgirl, I can't even begin to tell you what a lift it is to see you back among the "family!" I've missed you so very much...we all have. Your journey has been such a difficult one - lots of detours, lots of 'blind corners'. What a terrible road for you. I'm so happy your found your way through it all.

God bless your Mom! And, God bless your best friend! They had your best interests at heart, and must have said just the right things...done just the right things. A person can wander endlessly alone in that kind of darkness. So great that there were special people there to provide you the light you needed

I remember reading a quote somewhere - long ago - "therapy will save the world." For some of us, that's particularly true. I was there...many years ago now. Serious depression - felt such a terrible, terrible weight. I was sure there was no reason to go on. Someone pulled me out of that "pit" and got me to a hospital. A couple years of therapy helped me learn how to manage when I see that hole open up again. Even after my lupus diagnosis, I remembered the lessons I learned about depression. I believe with all my heart, Browneyedgirl, that this will be a turning point for you - no matter what's ahead.

Welcome back, dear friend. I hope to see your happy 'face' over and over again. You bring such spark to this place!

Love,
Jody

Pretti in Pink
06-19-2008, 07:30 PM
Browneyed Girl,

I know i chatted with you in another message about how much I missed you but would be remiss if I didn't say it again in this one. Just let all of the obstacles be the stepping stones that get you to where you need to be and i appears you have.

sits_inthe_corner
06-20-2008, 01:22 PM
Welcome back home Browneyedgirl

Glad you made your way back :)

hatlady
06-21-2008, 12:03 PM
Welcome back browneyed girs! We are so glad you're back. Oh yes, how we all need each other - our interconnectedness gives us strength.

Razzleberry
06-23-2008, 06:05 AM
I'm SO glad you're back and feeling better. You have been missed. You may not recognize me ...I was someone else when you were here last :-) but I recognize you and join the chorus of "Welcome back to our family!"

Oluwa
06-23-2008, 03:02 PM
Browneyed Girl...

Whoaa....hey, you... in the saddle, using a bit of spur action for some giddety-up..Whoohooo....how are you feeling Brown-eyed Girl...?

Looking for our Prodigal Sister... We are here, over here...here I am.

Head hugs full of love,
Oluwa

Missy
06-24-2008, 09:20 PM
Welcome back! It's nice to "see you" again!