View Full Version : i have shed so many tears

03-28-2008, 01:10 PM
why dont people understand? why dont people care?

i am so lost now. having tried so many outlets to get help, to move on, to get better.

i keep it secret from most ppl, especially those i just meet. i work hard at a bond, then i confide. but on more than one occasions, i have been left because of the lupus. they cant handle it is what im told. and i can?

i hurt so much, sometimes i want it to hurry and kill me.

but for a 28 year old, i must be too young to die, right?

the few i have around me, i swear i burden them way too much sometimes, but they are all i have

03-28-2008, 02:46 PM
Girl I felel ya..... I too have shed many tears and had many nights of questioning god ! i wouls ask why me? is this it? i reminiced over my life and told myself i guess i have had a good life and enjoyed myself? NO i have sooooooo much more to look forward to and you do too! Im 25 and this lupus thing has just begun, i have been there and many more times have others, you are not alone!
Its hard going to the dr and when really all you want is a hug, someone to sit and vent to ! vent here all you want and be strong.
when it comes to guys well... they just dont get it ! when i got really sick the guy i had been dating got distant from me... I dont know if it was the rash? or my mood swings? or what but keeping your desiese a seceret will only hinder any relationship you try and build, this, LUPUS is a part of your life and like it or not anyone who loves you and wants to be in your life will understand and learn how to help.
YOU are NOT alone! I will say this again and again because i know how much i needed to hear it! Its scary when you have no control over your body and it does what it wants! things will gt better i promise... It just takes time,.
You need to keep a positive aditude any extra stress and anxiety will only make things worse. so take a bath and relax.... smoke a little somethin! lol hahaha jk Hey it works for cancer patients! ? 8)

( im totally kidding but i bet it made you smile! )

03-28-2008, 07:13 PM
Being lonely is something that no one can be expected to deal with without having feelings of depression and hopelessness. You are not alone, but you are lonely and most of us have had experience with feeling lonely. It is especially hard when those that we care about seem not to care about us or they don't care to try to understand what we are going through.
It is not easy and there is no easy way to make these feelings better. But, I hope that you know that you are very important and that your absence would be devastating to others.
Have you thought about reaching out to someone? Calling someone whom you have not spoken to for a while? You might be surprised at how happy they are to hear from you. Are there any members of your family that you feel you can confide in? Your Mom?
It is o.k. for you to be the one to reach out. Don't be discouraged if your first efforts are not fruitful, just keep trying. Call old friends, call family members, call new friends.....or come here to us. We are always here for you whenever you feel lonely, whenever you want someone who understands what you are going through. We are here so that you always know that you are not alone.

Peace and Blessings

03-28-2008, 10:19 PM

I have lost people too. People I thought were friends, people who said they cared, but really didn't. I know that words on a computer screen can seem so empty and cold when compared to the warm hand of a friend who is right there with you. But know that behind the words on a screen, are real people. People who care about you very much. How can strangers care so much? We care, because we share a common affliction. We fight an enemy that is really understood only by others who have fought the same fight. You live in Jamaica. I live far away, in Maine. Yet we face a common enemy that transcends any distance, and any border. Don't be afraid to come here and talk, anytime you feel the need to. There are so many good listeners here, and there are plenty of shoulders to cry on. Please hang in there.

sick n tired
03-29-2008, 07:17 AM
Hey Rachie,

Like Rob I have lost friends because of this disease. It is so hurtful. I have found that when any deep valley comes into my life it will mean a "shake down" of friends and that is when I find who is a true friend. I am sorry the men that you are falling for can not deal with this.

I do hope that you can find someone to reach out to. Lonliness and depression are just like a side affect of this illness. I have those in my family who think that I am just being lazy and they know what the diagnosis is.

Praying for you,


03-29-2008, 01:36 PM
boy, this is so weird for me. my emotions are on such a roller coaster. its scary, yet motivational, yet depressing. its scary cause its all new to me, its motivational cause its makes me actually think i might have a fighting chance. its depressing cause, i cant believe so many people experience what i go through.

i dont really want to die, i do think it, but ive never been able to attempt it, cause i know deep down its a silly and wrong option. that will never happen. plus i dnt want to hurt or disappoint my friends.

03-31-2008, 05:41 PM
Rachie -

I just read your post. When you ask "What have I achieved?"... I respond in amazement - "You have survived!" You are strong beyond belief and your strength is an inspiration. This strength is your gift. You have so much to offer the world. Please do not feel alone. We are blessed by your presence here.


03-31-2008, 08:31 PM
Welcome Rachie,

I ditto what Janna said. You are a Survivor again ALL odds. Never, ever give up. You owe it to yourself; and no one else even the so-called "family." You are better off without them.

Take care,


04-01-2008, 08:06 AM
Hi Rachie;
Yes, your family life was filled with grief and abandonment. Now, when you need help and friendship, you are feeling abandoned again. You are feeling some great losses, not the least of which is the loss of your health. Having to deal with abandonment and loss are very heavy burdens to carry alone. But look at you, you've done it and, as Faith and Pearl noted, you have survived. Do you not see what an accomplishment that is?
Have you sought out counseling/therapy to help you with the burdens that you are carrying? There is absolutely, nothing wrong with asking for help and, many times, an objective professional is the best way to get that help because their only interest is in helping you. They have no self-interests and no self-agenda other than what is best for you. Give that some thought. In the meantime, I am happy to know that you do not want to die. But I truly understand those feelings. As you read some of the posts in these forums, you will learn that a great many of us have had those exact same feelings, so we truly understand how you feel and you are not alone. So, come to us whenever you feel that you need a safe place where you can honestly and openly talk about what you are feeling. There will always be someone here for you and we will NEVER abandon you!

Peace and Blessings

04-01-2008, 08:28 AM
i just posted in another thread how just the past few days have been really different for me. today even, im actually walking better (not longer tho...) its just not as hard.

im not even usually up so early. i got up @ 8am, normally its around 11am/noon that id really be out of bed. my mind is conscious and aware and i want to do things now. normally i just didnt care, it hurt too much, it was too hard, ppl dont understand. but amazingly, i want to be out now. especially after my little outing with my friends.

we'll see how it goes.

and yes, the fact that i never criminalised myself, prostituted myself, gave up on school, or allowed anyone to take advantage of me does make me feel good, sometimes. ive actually had ppl tell me "just go find a rich man". but i wasnt into that @ all. or use men for money and to get ahead. but im glad to say ive never done that, and im not a fan of hand outs either.

i dnt know if its because of this site, this family, my new family, but some great opportunities have presented themself to me. my outlook is different. still struggling with it. but im ok today. im ok at least for now

yes, i really guess i have survived

much love to all of you, and those still to come

04-01-2008, 09:17 AM

I'm so happy to see you here, talking, and participating. You sound so much better these past few days. There will still be plenty of tough days ahead, but I hope you know there are people who care, and who will help you to deal with those days. I can hear hope in your words.

04-01-2008, 03:53 PM
Hi Rachie,
My name is Summer and I feel for you. I know how hard this must be for you. It is not easy especially if you don't have anybody to talk to. Don't give up please. Where do you live? You need to find somebody to talk to. Find a group.. When you feel soo down. know that it will get better. There are a lot of us out here that. Know what you are going thru girl.. Hang tough.... :~) I know you can do it. I have had lupus since I was your age and I have been living with lupus now for more than 20+ years now and somehow I have made it and you will too..

04-03-2008, 05:05 PM
Hi Rachie,

I am Oluwa. You had stop by on a thread and left me a post. Sorry I haven't been able to reply, been a bit under the weather, under IT, under the covers, under a cloud..

I know you are scared, so am I..still. The days I am scared become less, and less as I learn to adapt, change, embrace the new and let go of the past. It is hard. I flounder about. I think I have it all figured out only to be left the next day frustrated with new challenges. Then I fight, stammer, then I adapt.

You've been through a heck of alot Rachie. Life in Jamaica, it can be very hard. I knew someone from there, Kingston to be exact.

Sometimes when life happens, and it isn't good, we have to put a new label on the experience to be able to move forward. The rape, a very violent act, I know..I experience one too. It carved into my soul, my spirt, but later it carved out a masterpiece. Me. It made me a stronger, not bitter. I decided to let the wound heal instead of leaving it to scab and pick, scab and pick and fester. It is an event. It was. It is over. I changed my thought I associate with it.

It is hard to always look forward and not where we had been, but you can...you are a strong woman.

Though we are words on a screen, our words, our feelings are real...I care, we care. You do have a chance...

A head hug from me,