View Full Version : Girl friend said goodbye on Monday…

03-20-2008, 12:23 PM
My girl friend, of over 3 years, said goodbye on Monday as we talked on the phone. She said that I reminded her of what she would never have and she wanted to be left alone, a new start. She said that she loves me, but that I should leave her alone if I love her. Her lupus had been in remission for many, many years and it came back about a year ago. I do not know all that she is going through because for the most part we did not talk about it much. Not a good idea based on all the reading I have done on this site. I think we were trying to hold onto “normal”.

She also has abandonment and insecurity issues, but I love her. We had made inroads into these areas, but something has changed with her Lupus and she has panicked. When she panics, she says goodbye.

There is an eight-year age difference between us as I am in my late forties and she is older. I believe a portion of this is a favor or gift, as she wants to spare me having to go through this with her. I have not asked for this in any way shape or form.

It just doesn’t make sense to push away someone you love and loves you. In a world where it is not easy at all to find people who truly care, how can this be better?

I realize that our relationship will change, but isn’t it so worth it to hold onto the person you love? It is worth it to me.

My heart is heavy as I miss my friend and lover.


03-20-2008, 12:36 PM
Tell her this....

"It just doesn’t make sense to push away someone you love and loves you. In a world where it is not easy at all to find people who truly care, how can this be better?

I realize that our relationship will change, but isn’t it so worth it to hold onto the person you love? It is worth it to me.

My heart is heavy as I miss my friend and lover."

03-20-2008, 05:00 PM
Hi jpdinca,

I understand your pain, albeit from a different perspective. I'm a 40 year old guy who was diagnosed with SLE in 2004. The girl I had been with for six years decided the grass was greener on the non-lupus side of the tracks, and she left. A loving relationship that ends because of Lupus is a terrible thing, whether you are the one diagnosed, or the one who has to give support and understanding. I don't know if I have any real advice, other than let her know how much you love her, lupus, or not. Let her know that you are willing to be there for her in the bad times, as well as the good. Lupus is a serious disease, and can be fatal. It can also be a very manageable disease. No two lupus patients will ever be the same, the symptoms vary widely, as well as the overall outlook for long term management of the disease. Many people do quite well, and can have an excellent quality of life. Tell her you love her. Don't give up. I noticed this is your first post. Please feel free to come here and talk. Most of us rattle around here on a daily basis, so its always easy to find someone to talk to. Hang in there.

03-24-2008, 05:18 PM
Jeff -

What a lucky woman to have someone like you in her life. I noticed in your post that she told you that you remind her of "what she'll never have." Perhaps, the next time you speak with her, when you tell her that you love her, tell her that the love you have for one another reminds you daily of what you do have, right here, right now. None of us knows that the future will bring. Another ten years of remission? Maybe. Maybe not. So, we must accept this and live, truly live, every day...even when we don't feel so well. There is something to appreciate always. If this is meant to be, it will be. I wish you well. Glad you found this forum. Maybe you could share it with her. She would be welcomed with open cyber hugs.


sick n tired
03-24-2008, 05:27 PM

I am sorry that you are going through this. I think she is trying to spare you all of the problems she faces. If she has abandonment issues, then she may wish to break up with you before you find other pastures, like what happened to Rob.

I hope that the two of you can work it out.

07-28-2008, 08:07 AM

it may be that she only has room for her illness and to put effort into a relationship is just too much work.. She may be too ill to think of anything else but herself. She may also not want to spare you having to be with someone who feels so sick..

I have thought many times myself that my dear husband would be better off without me and there are many reasons for this. One is that I do not feel good enough to even take care of my own needs and the other one is to spare him from having to be with a sick person. She needs a lot of undrstanding as to why she is thinking the way she is.

I agree that you should tell her what you have told us here.


01-09-2009, 04:34 AM
jpdinca, I feel for you. I started dating a friend who (before we started dating) told me he had lupus.

After we had only been on a few dates he told me that he wasn't sure we should keep dating he said that I deserve someone younger and "less screwed up" I have tried to convince him that he is not screwed up and that his having lupus does not change the way I feel about him but I don't want to push him too much.

I think he is worried about the same things your girlfriend was. I am 22 and he is 32 and I think that he is worried being with him will stop me from being able to do things I want to do and he doesn't want me to have to see him in pain.

Please keep posting, let me know what has happened with your girlfriend. If there was anything you could say to change her mind.

11-26-2009, 07:29 AM

I know exactly how you feel. My SO basically told me the same thing last Sunday. I have cried everyday because I don't know what to do. I sit here staring at my phone praying that it will ring and be him. I don't know whether its ok to call him or not. I will not give up on him and I feel that you have the same feelings for loved one too. Please keep in touch. This is a hard thing to get thru alone. My friends keep telling me to hang in there. Be strong. But its so hard to do.


02-23-2011, 11:06 AM
It has been almost three years since my girl friend said goodbye and I want to share some thoughts and feelings.

I thought I would start by sharing a poem that I wrote during this time three years ago. This is the first poem that I ever composed and I continue to write as life inspires…..

As I was young
I hoped for you
As I journey the path
I walk with you
As I cry
I need you
As I laugh
I celebrate you
As I close my eyes
I feel you
As I awake
I rejoice in you
As we love
There is only you

The love of family and friends helped me during this time three years when my heart was very heavy. The gift of love is the most special of all. My girl friend gave me her gift as she spared me and my gift back to her was to respect her wish of being left alone. I have not heard from her, think about her often, wish her the very best, but life goes on. I will always have her in my heart and feel fortunate to have been touched by her.

I guess you can tell that love is what inspires me in my life. My experience, though tough and emotional, confirmed the importance of the gifts we share and receive. My hope is that all that read this find their inspirations, share love and receive love with an open heart.

All my love,


02-23-2011, 07:02 PM
Hello Jeff,

Wow, this was one of the very first posts I ever responded to here. I'm glad you are able to still have positive and loving thoughts and memories of your girl. If I were to write a poem about my former girlfriend/fiancee, it would be pretty ugly, as I have no more tolerance or caring left for people like her anymore.

However, a little over one year ago, I met an amazing woman who is everything I could ever hope for, and then some. She's a beautiful, brilliant lady who has been by my side without fail during the good days, and more importantly, through the bad. I had given up on meeting someone, and was single for over five years when suddenly it all changed.

Have hope. If I can find love again after all that time, and all the hurt, I think pretty much anyone can.


02-26-2011, 04:22 AM
hey jeff

That is such a sweet poem that I had to respond, love can be bittersweet and this showed what a great and forgiving person you must be. Love will come your
way again so dont give up. Your ex didnt deserve you and the right one will come your way and love you with all your ailements and wont leave when times get rough.
May love continue to inspire your love for poetry. Good luck in the love department, who knows maybe she is right around the corner. lupus can take away a lot from us but true love is untouchable. wishing you all the best. slim

03-10-2011, 09:46 AM
Hi Jeff,
Sorry to hear you've lost your partner you so much adore, which is coming over very strong to we all and such a shame when so many single people are just waiting to meet the right person.

It seems to me and this is my opinion she's left you because she can't come to terms with the illness and may feel she's pressuring you into a position, where she may feel she wants alot of help but may not want to put you into that position in life.

I really hope a nice reconcilliation can happen between you both because if she loves you as much as you do her, it's not that hard to walk away when your hearts lost to someone.

Luv Terri x

Angel Oliver
03-10-2011, 11:57 AM

I feel your heartache! But i am so glad you carried on without her and just know one day love will come into your life again.I am sorry things didnt work out,but so glad you are here.She's lost a good man.I know how love is,the pain it can bring,i think many of us have been there.Just know we are all here and i loved your poem.

05-28-2011, 07:43 AM
Hello Jeff,

How are you feeling in yourself since letting the member's know your heart felt experience.

Hugs to you Terri xxx

10-07-2011, 08:56 AM

I truely understand and feel where you are coming from. My partner is 35 and I am 42, she has been diagnosed with lupus and she just emailed me saying that she has been quiet because she doesnt think that her life is where she wants it to be... When she is in pain she pushes me away and all I want to do is love her and be there for her. I love her so much and me finding out about lupus has not pushed me away but has made me love her even more because of how strong she is... I am so afraid that she is about to ask me to leave her alone... All I want to do is love her...