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Pretti in Pink
02-26-2008, 07:02 PM
Hello Family,

I am reaching out to you requesting that you prayer for my marriage. I don't know if it is me, my husband or a combination of both due to lack of communication but it seems as if we are missing the mark. What makes it so bad is that my husband is a really caring and loving person and has been by my side through everything but it seems as if there are times when he can get into his this "selfish" mode or at least that's what I call it.

I have always been one that is big on pride and not allowing someone to walk on you or disrespect you and I am feeling like that is what's being done. I don't want our marriage to end because of this but sometimes I feel like just calling it quits but then I remember that this is my husband and how much I love him and I can't treat this like a casual relationship. And again, I don't know if it's just me, him or both.

I am just confused and hurting right now so I could go on and on so please just keep us in your prayers. thank you

sick n tired
02-26-2008, 10:51 PM
Hi Pretty in Pink,

So sorry to hear the pain you are in. I have been having some of those feelings with my husband, too. He also is a loving man, but it seems that he is having a hard time with this diagnosis and at times reverts to wanting to forget that I am ill.

I know terminal illnesses can try a relationship and even this is not cancer, perhaps that is what is happening.

At any rate, I will pray for strength for you both and for him to see that you are hurting.

In Him,

Karen

Oluwa
02-27-2008, 02:31 PM
Hi Pretty...

I believe I feel the same way about my marriage as you do, probably from different circumstances. So, I can relate to your words at least at some level. Respect, lack of, communication lacking...selfishness. I guess regardless of the subject, the differences... our emotions our reaction to the situation seems to be the same..

A marriage is a partnership and sometimes I think my husband still feels a sense of being singular. I wouldn't want to take his individualism away, his identity...that isn't my goal. I want our marriage to strength our identities. To me a marriage is base on a partnership, coming together. And when that partnership isn't being respected, isn't being nurtured it frails and cracks...

Having a illness, I use to fault IT, fault me, but really for me the issues were always there for us, at least on some scale. IT, the illness only magnifies the communication problems. If I leave my illness out of it, the issues are still there. So, I, we my husband and I need to tend to our marriage like a garden. Weeds grow, pull them, sort them out, sometimes weeds bloom into the most beautiful flowers. Pick with an open mind, pick with caution, tenderness and care. And to nuture it with love and respect. Like the sun and the water...we all need.

There is so much more, so many layers to a relationship, to a marriage. Why we want to leave, why we don't...if you want to share I will listen. PM me if you like. I think I may have much to contribute, in dialogue and experience. Why I stay, why I want to leave...

We have a vision, of life, a husband, a home, goals..attainments, life without illness and etc. Life throws us curve balls, either we catch them, assess or they fly by and take on a life of there own. And times hitting something, breaking it, feeling it is unrepairable. Too costly, of your emotions...

Know you feelings are okay to have...Head hugs, Oluwa

My prayer from me, to God for you...

Dear Heavenly Father hear my prayer...
I ask please turn Pretty's heart ache, inner pain into a blessing. I ask you, my Dear Lord to give her strength to support, her sadness, and her pain and don't let her get swallowed whole. She seeks guidance, let her feel your hands. Please send your blessings upon their marriage, that they may love, honor, and cherish each other with patience and understanding. And that their home may be a place of blessing and peace through Jesus Christ our Lord. Thank you very much God. I am very grateful. Amen.

Pretti in Pink
02-27-2008, 06:28 PM
Karen,

Thanks so much for understanding, concern, and prayers.

Oluwa,

You always know what to say and how to say it You are such an angel to so many of us. You really lifted my spirit and I felt every bit of your prayer as my eyes watered while reading it.

My husband and I have only been married for two years and have been through so much in that short period of time and I know that we both have some growing to do individually so that we can become better as one. It's rough but he is so worth it and I don't take marriage lightly so I'm glad that I am learning to reach out and get help, support, advice, and even ask for prayers because I remember when I was too prideful to do that.

Again, thanks so much and please continue to pray for me as I will do for you all.

Oluwa
02-28-2008, 05:53 PM
Pretty M.

I am happy your spirit is lifting....keep reaching, lifting higher...

I think you might be being too hard on yourself...I can feel it, I can read. Maybe I am wrong.

I know you've been through a lot, as I 've read though the post. Have you allowed yourself to heal...your heart, the grief. It is okay to be vulnerable. We don't have to buck up by keeping the pain and sadness...Then to add an illness to the mix...I am sorry, hugs

Has this brought you two closer together or pushed you away from one another...Has your husband grieved...

God's understanding is inifinte...tell God what is in your heart.

Head hugs,
Oluwa


Dear Heavenly Father how great, compassionate and merciful you are. Do not let them forget that beneath them are the everlasting arms of you, our Father. Please hear my prayer. Thank you God. Amen

Pretti in Pink
02-29-2008, 04:47 PM
I think that this has brought us closer and it certainly proved his "unconditional love" for me, I think now it's just an issue of maturity. We have both grieved and we can talk about our ordeals open and honestly so I surely thank God for that.

I just wish I could "blow some understanding" into his head and then he would be almost the perfect husband (because no one is perfect)

rob
02-29-2008, 05:21 PM
I really hope you and your husband can understand each other, and keep it working. I know firsthand how hard this disease can be on a relationship. I wish you well.

Oluwa
02-29-2008, 05:33 PM
Hi Pretty in Pink...

What is the understanding you seek? Sometimes life becomes easier when we seek to understand why they don't... instead of seeking their understanding.

In a nutshell, it is easier to be understanding than it is to be understood. An ideal marriage would have both...but until it does your understanding will give you a better feeling about yourself, alleviating stress and a whole realm of other feelings. Eventually maybe your husband will come around and he will see he needs to be understanding too. He may not.

It isn't the whys or the why nots that needs to be answered, for you, for me or for anyone to understand. Does it really matter that they don't get it? We can't make another feel what they can not, we can try to find empathy and I think that is it.

Sometimes no matter how we pose the question, we will never get the answer that will satisfy us.

Our spouses faults, our flaws we accept them, to me that is unconditional love.

Understanding to me doesn't equate to maturity. Respect, honor and trust does. Is that what you are looking for?

My words seem around about, but I think they can be applied to most subjects, experiences, emotions....the whats...

Head hug,
Oluwa

Pretti in Pink
03-01-2008, 05:05 PM
Rob,

Thanks for the understanding. Hey, it also seems like you coming along better too. I am glad to see your continualy post.

Oluwa,

What you said makes alot of sense and it may just be that I want him to "understand" why I get so angry when he wants to go off and do his own than regardless to how I feel. But as you said it might just be easier to accept that he doesn't understand that.

I already have respect, honor and trust so that's not it. Maybe it will require some maturity on my part as well. Sometimes so confused, but I know that my intentions are good and I want them to be what's best for the both of us.

Oluwa
03-03-2008, 09:19 PM
Pretti Monica,

Does he always leave to go do his own thing, thinking singular...or is it his way of releasing his frustration, work stress or...or strengthin ghis identity?

You can be entitled to be upset, like anyone. Your emotions do have validity, don't discount them. Just evaluate them

How you deal with your anger is that the immaturity you are referring to?

Two can be at fault..so I am sure he plays a role in frustration, and angry. Intentional? Provoking? Insensitive?

So many things to ponder..have you sought out individual counseling. Somewhere to feel safe with someone to help you sort and organize your emotions, your thoughts?

Head hug,
Oluwa

Oluwa
05-20-2008, 02:48 PM
Hi Pretti in Pink,

It has been a spell since we chatted it up together...just seeing how home life, marriage is going?

Things have been coming together or coming apart...? Finding yourself together and also as individuals?

Head hug,
Oluwa

Pretti in Pink
05-21-2008, 01:33 PM
Thanks Oluwa for checking up on me (us). You know when you mentioned to me about just understanding some things as they are or why he doesn't understand, it made alot of sense and that is what I have been doing. I know that I have a great husband but I also had to realize thru that greatness, he is not perfect nor am I. After the air cleared, so that it could be discussed w/ an objective view point, we sat down and discussed how I felt when he would go off and do his own things. We both now understand one another better. But me really taking every action from under a microscope has helped. I'm also learning not to sweat the small stuff and address the big ones when they come up.

Seems like marriage is something you continually have to work on, I guess just as ourselves- if that makes sense.

Oluwa
05-21-2008, 04:01 PM
Hi Pretti in Pink...

Indeed, marriage is continuous work..as we grow, as we change I am learning. I am new to marriage too.

Sometimes when one is evolving and the other isn't or they are going in a different directions we have to find a balance, a blend where it can continue to grow. Where one isn't doing all the sacrificing or changing who they for the other...

Though it is we, it is our life too...

Respect and trust is important.

This is my only marriage and we are in our 6th year. I was 41 when I said I do. Though asked several times from previous men, I never felt ready before.

Ready or not, younger or older you are never really prepared...we learn as we go.

Hugs,
Oluwa

Pretti in Pink
05-21-2008, 04:13 PM
You're right, we do learn as we go and no matter how prepared you "think you are or are not" until you're in it (and sometimes tested) you won't know. Sounds like parenthood as well.

Our two year mark felt like ten because we have been through sooooo much in such a short time. Literally every aspect of our vows, yeap hit them all within a year.

The one thing I can say that is great is that there have been more good and fun times than bad and down. Even when we were going through our valleys be found something to laugh about, so he's a keeper. Just a keeper with work, as I.

Oluwa
05-21-2008, 04:49 PM
Pretti in Pink..

Sometimes when we fall on hard times, hard decisions..it can create a tighter bond or challenge it. Sometimes the challenge, working it through may create an even tighter bond in the end...

Laughter, patience and compassion are the human emotions that can turn anger, hurt feelings and misunderstandings around.

It's great you both were able to find laughter through it all....

Head hug,
Oluwa

Pretti in Pink
05-21-2008, 06:00 PM
You are so right. Thanks so much for your care, concern, and great advice. You're a real jewel to have around.

Oluwa
05-21-2008, 06:17 PM
Thank you, I am one jewel in this jewelry box of gems (everyone in this forum).