View Full Version : Why I Hate Valentines Day ... Not to be negative but....

02-14-2008, 05:15 PM
Valentines is the day that even when I'm doing well I most resent this disease.

It's not just that I haven't had anyone (romantically) in my life since the decade ago Lupus manifested itself and ended my love life -- it's everything else.

I am that person that remembers everyone else's birthdays, anniversaries and other special occasions and holidays. I send everyone in my family (role customized -- sibling, parent, etc) Valentines cards and gifts such as candy or singing stuffed animals -- and animated e-mail cards for the nieces and nephews. It's not just me -- lots of people have expanded their coverage -- I saw it on the news today.

But does even one person remember me -- even with an e-card. No. Granted -- this is the holiday men are famous for forgetting -- but my family knows how hard I always take this day -- and they've had my gifts for a while. I don't send them for the the reciprocal value -- but you think one person out of all them would think me worth the few minutes picking out a card (even online) would take. much less some small token of affection.

I'll get over it and move on tomorrow -- but I wish this day was more like 2/29 -- coming only every four years -- but I would still want to Rip Van Winkle it...

Pretti in Pink
02-14-2008, 07:33 PM
I know how hard this day- sometimes I used to take the ay off at work so I wouldn't have to be there with all of deliveries, well wishes, etc. Then I start focusing more on my son and making him think of me the way I always thought of him and began receiving gifts from him. Not that it was anything big and elaborate but I just wanted him to think of others (including his grandma, god-parents, etc on other holidays and thier birthdays as well). So basically I changed what Valentines day meant for me, even if it meant me loving on myself.

Society really capitalizes on the commercialism of this day but there is a much deeper meaning. I hope you at least find love from those of here that listen, advise, and share on this forum everyday.

02-15-2008, 09:54 AM
See -- I survived! Agree that we've over commercialized what it is and I work very hard to love myself -- doing an OK job I think -- all things considered. It's just that Valentine's Day (which I never loved even before Lupus) -- was never a favorite holiday of mine anyway..... ANd to me it epitomizes everything I've lost over the past 10 years.

It all really just goes back to how isolating Lupus can be. Before I got ill I had a great career in the bustle of NYC, was training to do Pro-AM Ballroom/Latin dancing, had lots of friends & a sparkling social life, an intermittant but generally pleasing love life, and just enough family contact. I was healthy, energetic and had a nice curvy figure. I had my bad days -- but also some fantastic great days.

Then came Lupus.... Don't get me wrong -- I thank the powers that be every day that (at least so far) I haven't had the major organ issues that some people have. And some changes that I face now likely would have hit me as I advanced into my 40s as a single childess career woman... Heard a news report on the radio a few weeks ago that surveys show that 44 is the age one most tends to be depressed.

My moods may be more even due to some of the Lupus meds, which is good -- but I really miss those natural highs. Again -- probably part of the "growing up" thing... It's like by now (at 44) all your dreams are smashed -- e.g. you have a more realistic picture of life -- you are not going to the President, or have this perfect career. Relationships take more compromise (because none of us are perfect) and are different than you imagined as a teen. Siblings will have less time for you as they pick their life partners and start a new generation. Parents will become the child -- but still expect to over-manage ones actions. And so forth.

In some ways I'm far more content -- but I wish there was more to look forward to than another 30 years (if I'm lucky) working and hoping I have enough to retire on. The Lupus has really decimated my savings -- even with health and unemployment insurance (received during the year I was laid off.)

I still work -- but have had to accept a psychologically unhealthy / negative culture to stay employed because it allows me to telecommute from the midwest. (Although in theory they would pay part of a move back.) It's an intense job and so saps my energy that it's hard to have time for much more than the basics involved with living (Maintaining a home, car etc). Even with the improvement from the cocktail of meds they have me on.

My beloved 700 SF coop on the Upper West Side would now cost 3 times what I sold it for, more than double what my midwestern house (if I could even sell it in this market) is valued at -- even though it is a third of the size.

I've gotten so big, I'm slated for laparscopic bariatric surgery (Rheumy recommended and insurance approved) to address my doubling in size. Benefit outweighs the risk... But clearly I'm so-high risk now -- with the age (44) and the Lupus that baby of my own flesh is not a real option...

Friends/Family still love to see me -- but in most of the cases -- I have to organize it and travel to them.

I just wish sometimes I could go back for one day -- so I could fully appreciate what I had then. Though maybe I'm not appreciating today enough too -- things could be / could get so much worse.

Any single childless 40-something women out there going through the same stuff?

02-17-2008, 05:15 PM
Glass half full;
I am sorry that you are feeling a bit down.
I, too, agree that Valentine's Day is over-commercialized ("Buy her a diamond to tell her you love her"; "Buy her a car to tell her you love her"; "Take her on a cruise to tell her you love her")....How about just telling him/her that you love him/her???? The day is just another excuse for merchants to pawn their wares and try to make you feel guilty if you don't buy their products on this day!

I am glad that you survived it, but I am sorry that your friends and family failed to acknowledge you and your gifts. Please do not let their failure prompt you to stop showing them your love in ways that make you feel good.

Lupus has a way of ripping our loved-ones away from us and leaving us feeling lonely, isolated and un-loved. But, I can tell that you are already discovering strengths that you never knew you possessed. Having Lupus, somehow, also makes us able to see the world very differently and find that the things that had once been important to us in the past have changed dramatically. We now see priorities very differently and we have come to appreciate the simpler pleasures in life and having the people most important to us nearby.
When we are lonely, it is usually for several reasons: We feel as though you don't have enough (or any) friends; we feel that those we know don't truly see us or don't truly understand us; we find it difficult to feel good when we are alone. Sometimes we falsely believe that if we are alone, then something must be wrong with us.
I want to tell you that, while you may feel lonely, you are not alone. There is a family here at WHL for you whenever you need us. Perhaps you can also think about everyone you know and have ever known. Maybe you think a certain friend or relative wouldn't want to hear from you. Think again -- you may be surprised. Try contacting them and see what happens next. Be sure, however, to have a list of possible contacts, just in case the first doesn't go as planned. Think of old friends, too. You don't even have to tell them you're contacting them because you're lonely. Just reach out and communicate, like you've done here, and you'll start to feel better.

Now, if you truly believe friends and family aren't an option, then reach out to people you don't know. You're already on the Internet, and your options here are endless -- as are your friends here. Again...you are not alone!

Peace and Blessings

02-17-2008, 05:36 PM
Nough said.... :lol: