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lornak
11-01-2007, 04:17 PM
okay......here is the big one.

hubby and I have been talking about adopting kids. we both want a big family but with my condition, cant have our own. plus at my age it is really not recommended.

I am asking for total honesty here........we have alot of love to give to children, but is it fair to bring children into our home and lives when this illness will only get worse. I am trying not to be selfish, but it really is not that easy. how have other children acted when mom cant go to the PTA meeting?

Saysusie
11-01-2007, 06:58 PM
First...there are no guarantees that your illness is going to get worse. Where did you get that idea from? Whomever told you that has done you a grave disservice. Many people achieve remission and/or are downgraded to mild Lupus (like me) and stay that way for years (like me). I've raised my children to adulthood with Lupus and I know that my life was better because of them and I think that they felt that their lives were better because of me! My daughter told me that many times and my son still lets me know that.
When I was too sick to attend a function, my children or my friends or their friends video taped the events for me and I watched the video tape with my children, their friends and our family. Doing this always ended up being an event of our own, with pizza and soda and laughter! They loved this because they were able to commentate as we watched it and they made sure to let me know how well they had done.
When they were younger, they understood that Mommy was too sick to come sometimes, but they also knew that when Mommy wasn't too sick, she was always there! Children are much more understanding, accommodating and resilient than we give them credit for.
What they will want from you, much more than attendance at events, is your love, support, understanding and acceptance. If they have these things, then they will understand, love, accept and support you..Mommy..when you need it!
Do not doom yourself before you even start. Do all that you can, now, to manage your illness so that you can live a long life that is relatively normal (given lifestyle changes etc.) If you do, you could very well be one of the lucky ones who achieves remission and stays in remission for years! Make that your goal; make that your plan!
That's my honest opinion!

Peace and Blessings
Saysusie

sick n tired
11-28-2007, 07:34 PM
Hey Lornak,

We had 8 children of our own. 3 1/2 years ago two preteens came into our life. At this time 3 of ours were of adult age. We took these two in and after finding out what they had to live with, we fought for them. Last year we were allowed to adopt Becca and Jonathan. This took its toll on my health and one of their aunts who has Crohns, but it was well worth it.

My point is that there are kids out there of all ages who need loving parents to take them. God gives us the grace to go on and raise them. And they are blessings. Just tonight, Becca chopped the veggies because my hands don't work very well today, and Jonathan took a 12 year old brother to the store for some school supplies.

We are blessed to have our children. I know that it is hard right now that I am in a flare, but it teaches them compassion. At this time half of the 10 are adults and Jonathan reaches 18 in a few weeks, but he is a junior in high school.

If I had it to do all over again with all of them I would not do anything different. I thank God that I have them.

In Him,

Karen

SonyaLA
11-29-2007, 05:10 PM
What is fair?

Is it fair that perfectly healthy women pop out kids, and then ignore them? A problem that crosses all incomes...

..or fair that so many children are abused? I could rant of many other things..

Would you think it unfair for someone who is in a wheelchair to have a child? ... you could insert many things here.

What's important is that you have a heart full of love to give a child who might otherwise never get anything beyond a foster home, and an adult life with no family support. What you cannot do seems to pale in comparison.

You could take your current health into consideration when determining what age to adopt. If you feel well enough, and/or have a hubby who can seriously assist, anything goes. If you are worried that the rigor of an infant is too much, there are so many older children desperate for a loving home.

I did not know I had lupus until after the birth of my second child. My children do not know any different. At 9 and 7, they already know my limitations, and do what they can to help.

I love Saysusie's suggestions, and just hearing about sick n tired's large family makes me smile. I always wanted a large family, being 1 of 5 kids. Stopping at 2 was a big disappointment to me, but necessary to my health. I really want to adopt more, but plan to wait several years before deciding for sure, which would put me close to 50.

Okay... that was a really long way of saying Do it!

Sonya

Missy
11-30-2007, 09:18 AM
I'm planning on adopting, too. I've determined that's it's not worth the risks to my health to attempt pregnancy and I've wanted to adopt since I was a child, actually, thinking about how many kids don't have families to rely on.

Anyhow, sometimes when I"m sick, I think "how would I do this with kids?" I'm sure it will be really hard sometimes, but I also think I have a lot to offer children. I also looked at some articles that talked about how much more empathetic kids that have had ill parents are towards others. What a great side effect of having to live with a parent with a chronic illness! Empathy is one of the best traits I could imagine passing on to another human being. Maybe Lupus does give us some positive things to pass on to our kids, too!

Best Wishes,

Faith
11-30-2007, 08:21 PM
Sick n tired & SonyaLA said it all,

Yes, it is an awesome experience and we have all learned to adjust. My children saw how "active" Mom was before, and have empathy for me when I am in a flare or extremely tired. My children jump in and offer to help me with dishes, etc. when I am extremely tired. My 10 year old will suggest that I "just take a nap." I don't coach soccer like I used to prior to this illness, but I enjoy watching them under the shade of a tree.

A couple of nights ago, a fibromyalgia commercial came on and, my son who was sitting next to me said, "Mom, that's what you have along with Lupus. I am so sorry" and then gently padded my hand. I looked at him and said, "it's not your fault and it's okay. " We all have challenges in life; they are just different. I tell my children that they are always in my heart!! My son's number one wish and prayer is "there would be a cure for Lupus and cancer."

Adoption is wonderful; you simply make adjustments. Good luck & God Bless.

Faith

Gisèle
12-02-2007, 09:53 PM
Bless you for considering adoption, it is a wonderful thing!! My thoughts are as long as you and your husband are able to give a child love like he/she has never had before, then you are giving them everything, regardless of this illness. You would be giving this child a home, a family, love, care, friendship, the list goes on. It is not selfish at all. Like Faith mentioned, you simply have to make adjustments. Adoption is a great thing!