View Full Version : OK dear friends. This is what's happening with me.
05-20-2007, 10:29 AM
I will warn you that this will be long. If you care you can read it. If not, please skip it.
I have a dear daughter who is 30 years old. She is bipolar, and alchoholic. In the past, she has rejected taking the bipolar meds because she did not like the way they made her feel. I believe she has the alchohol allergy, and so she self medicates herself with alchohol.
For the past four years, she has been out of touch with me and her father, who lives about 4hours away in a dfferent city. During that time, she drank hersef out of many jobs, was homeless for awhile, was in jail, did things I don't want to discuss for alchohol or money. and almost deliberately committed suicide with an ovedose (her dad watched her flatline, then they brought her back.) They say that alcholics must "hit bottom." Well, I have NO idea where her "bottom" could be.
A year ago, after several times in treatment, she went to AA seriously. She has that Big Book of 12 steps memorized. She really worked the program, then got mugged and robbed. They broke her arm and shattered her front teeth. All was fixed by good people who donated their time.
But then she relapsed. Her father had taken her in during her "good" months, but we both agreed that she needed a clean start. As all of uyou know, I was going through a hellish chemo regimen, and we could use herhelp with me and moving out of our house and getting into a new one. This is hard to do when you only have 4 ok days out of 7.
She was marvelous help to us. On my insistance, she got re-evaluated and started new medications for bipolar. It takes awhile to adjst to them, but she did it through a free government program. (MHMR if you know about them.)
Every three days, she went to meetings and I could see her white-knuckling her addiction to alchohol. but the after awhile, she would find a way to get drunk, sometimes sneaking alchohol on a "walk to the store for cigarettes," and sometimes just going out with friends she jemt--people who drink of course. Let me tell you something: my daughter is a beautiful, smart and polished woman. But when she takes a drink, she loses all dignity and grace.
To her credit, she picked herself back up each time, sobered up and worked her program. But this city just isn't for her right now. She doesn't know the bus system (can't drive because she lost her licsence) and therefore had an impossible time finding a job here.
I will continue this in Part Two. I must stop crying.
05-20-2007, 10:52 AM
I have been going to online Alanon meetings and have been able to work most of the steps. (It takes time.) I have learned to stop blaming myself, to hate her disease, not her (I never hated her), to realize that she belongs to God way more than she belongs to me. God has a plan for her, and has a dream way bigger than I or she could ever dream for her; it is entirely her choice and her decision. She is not my fault, not my problem, but my concern. I must not enable, scold or blame. It is none of my business. I can only love her, praise good choices, and pray for her. In doing that, I AM A GOOD MOM. I will never give up on her, just like God won't. It is in His hands.
After a horrible drunken incident last week, we made the decision that she cannot live here anymore. Here is the plan: she will return to the city where she lived (she knows the bus system there, and knows the cityl like the back of her hand.) There she will live with her father while working from now til September, when she will go to school and work at the same time. Her father can handle her much better than I can, and he has agreed to take her in: as long as she stays on her medication and works the AA program diligently. (she had a good one there and a great sponsor, which she is returning to.) so this is better for her.
It's also better for me. I am so close to being in remission, and I must build up my strength and return to doing everything for myself and my home. The added stress of having her here with all her problems and drama is not something I can take anymore. I must focus on getting well and getting back to living life as God means me to.
The good that came out of this is that she will be finally trying for her dream in school (broadcast editing.) she and I repaired our broken relationship, and there is nothing but deep love on both sides. And she is finally willing to accept that she MUST take medicine and MUST work AA in order to stay alive.
My husband just left with her and all her things (a pitifully small amount as she has lost so much) to take her back. I know it is best, but I already miss her and am in such terrible heart pain. I will attend an on-line Alanon meeting tonight.
I know this is not about lupus, but I have been so very busy with her here that I haven't posted with diligence in awhile, and I know I have dea friends here who have wondered where I was and what was happening. I have missed you all. Love, Kathy
05-20-2007, 10:58 AM
My family, my mom especially, has had to deal with my sister who was on drugs too. She lost her husband, house, and gave up her two beautiful daughters to be with her drugs and druggie friends. Everytime she claimed to be better and want to do right mom would help her get a place to live and furnish it. Everytime she would still go back to her druggie life. Mom finally learned the hard way that she can not enable her anymore. She will probably never get to see her daughters because she owes so much back shild support that there is a warrant for her arrest and she will not be able to get a job because she has a criminal record.
We learned that she has to help herself and we can not make her do it. If you every need to talk, email me. I would be available for you if you need an ear! Stay strong.
05-20-2007, 11:01 AM
Oh, Kathy, bless your heart - I was so hoping things had taken a turn for the better with your daughter. Do you have family or friends who could take her in for a while, preferably somewhere where there is absolutely no access to alcohol? For my brother, it pretty much takes living in a "dry" area to keep him totally sober; if he lived in a city where it was easily accessible, I'm not sure he would ever have the willpower to leave it alone.
You and your daughter are in my thoughts and my prayers.
Edited to add: Kathy, I must have been typing while you were posting Part Two. I'm glad you are getting support for yourself through Al-anon - having a family member who is an alcoholic can be incredibly stressful on everyone. And hopefully being back with a good sponser and a support system will help your daughter stay on an even keel.
05-20-2007, 01:29 PM
There is a show that I watch called "Intervention", it comes on A&E. It might be helpful in understanding more about addiction. It comes on Sunday nights at 10 pm. Just a thought.
05-20-2007, 04:08 PM
I thank you for thinking of me and giving ANY suggestions. However, I have watched "Intervention" and it is just too sad for me. There are so many of the stories there that have bad endings. My silly little brain is already more than willing to provide me with worst case scenarios with my daughter. I have watched HBO's "Addiction." It was VERY well done. just wish they had done more. Love, Kathy
05-20-2007, 04:41 PM
Thinking of you, Kathy......addiction definitely doesn't just affect the addict. I will hope for your daughter's continual healing and that she continues to work her program.
I'm so glad you are getting support through al-anon. Of course, I am glad that you are here getting support as well. In my opinion, the more support, the better!
05-20-2007, 08:29 PM
Praying for you, Kathy. I have a 35 year old son with an alcohol problem. He's lost so much...his marriage, his home, jobs, friends. He was in the top 1% of his high school graduating class of 600 kids - never finished college. He's made some small steps in the right direction lately, but as you know, unless he acknowledges his addicition and does something about it, it's not going to work. He's a binge drinker, and I think he believes because he doesn't drink EVERY day, he's OK. So sad to see your children suffer - and so hard not to blame yourself. I didn't know there was an AlAnon On-Line. I'm going to check it out. I lose a lot of sleep feeling badly about my son...sounds like you've found a way to work that out, Kathy. Please take care...I'm thinking of you.
05-20-2007, 08:45 PM
Dearest Kathy, I am sorry you are going through all of this. In some sense I do understand what you are going through, because my sister is in the same situation. She is bi-polar and refuses to get help. She is an alcoholic and a coke addict. I know what my sister needs, which is probably the same what your daughter needs...tuff love.
To be honest, your daughter will go to school and all will seem well, then she will relapse. She really needs to be in a program...like rehab, that helps her with her psychological needs and her addictions. Especially her psychological needs. She needs to be in therapy, and get on the right medications. I know it takes a long time to find the right one, but if you find the right therapist and psychiatrist...that is key.
I know I am being streight forward here...but I have been through therapy myself, because at one point I abused hard drugs and alcohol. I went through therapy and really dug deep to find my triggers, and learned to be open about what causes me to relaspes. I have been clean for 11 years.
First thing is that your daughter needs to want it. It does seem like she is trying, but she might need more, and more aggressive treatment. Bi-polar is not something to mess around with...I know you know that. It is an illness that needes to be treated...like cancer, or lupus.
I know that I was able to pull myself out, but it needs to come within and the support of family. I would say friends as well, but sometimes you have to dump them to move on with the living.
So for being so forward, but I am not one to beat around the bush.
Sorry about the chemo too...I am on it too, and it is no party.
05-20-2007, 10:28 PM
Oh my friend; I've been worried about you since you hadn't posted in a while. I'm so thankful that you had the courage to share your heart with us. It's not easy carrying such a heavy burden on your heart....it's not good for you or your health.
Without going into alot of details, I will share my story with you....one that so many thought would never be told. When ! turned 16 and started spending the night at girlfriends, dances at school, etc. I would drink....and drink some more. As years went by, I always managed to keep my job....but my heart was so broken and I had felt like my soul had been beaten nearly to death. You see, I was raped when I was in first grade; later in my first year of college I was brutally raped again....at the time, I looked at my drinking as a "social" thing to do with friends; it took me 20 years to find my "bottom"....and it wasn't me who found it....it was my old boss. After a Christmas party, he said to me "What happened in your life that makes you want to erase it from your mind with alcohol?". He said to me "you are better than any circumstance that you have endured....get help." I enrolled in a 6 month program; what was unique about it ;was it was AA but they also had counselors on staff which was a God-send for me. I always thought that I was strong enough to handle my life and that I was in control. Boy was I wrong. Then I just gave up drank till I was stupid. I think in my heart of hearts when that day came for me; my soul wanted a chance to live and be revived again. I was too afraid to do "the work"; but something deep inside of me kept me going to meetings; counselling, etc. As others have said, you have to want it for yourself. Which is true in your daughters case. I know my mom once told me "I couldn't fulfill that place in your heart that someone else robbed.....you needed to fill it with your own courage; your own will to live." Truer words were never spoken. I used to think that every time I moved to a new location things would change, get better, etc. I discovered that it was the location that was the problem; there was a problem in my heart that needed a new location (smile)....and I surrendered it to God's capable hands.
In March I celebrated 20 years of sobriety. I cherish that date more than anyone will ever be able to understand. I wanted to know what life was like living without hiding my pain (if that makes sense). To bare my deepest hurts, worries, and anger to surrender those to God, was the only answer for me. There couldn't be enough love from family or friends to take that all away from me. It was mine to give to God, and He has blessed my life in so many ways - beyond my wildest dreams. My parents went through hell and even more during my "drinking" days. To apologize seemed almost embarrassing; instead I chose to live my life in a way that would honor God and my family.
Kathy, never stop praying and don't be discouraged. Prayers are powerful and He promises that where there are two or more, there I am also. Our Heavenly Father holds those prayers in His heart. My counselor once told me this meaningful saying, and I would like to share it with you "Your daughter can never fall further than God's hands can reach". Ask your family, friends, pastor, church etc. and put her on a prayer list. Let's pray that there will be an awakening in her heart to want a better life; that God will keep her far from harms way....that there will be a spark of goodness that lights her heart on fire; let's pray that God will look after her and that whoever is destined to help her find her way out of this is nearby and ready to walk with her out of this dark place.
You and your family will be on all my prayer lists; God is faithful and He listens to our prayers. I am praying that there will be a circumstance in your daughter's life that will "turn her life around". There are promises in the future that await for us; blessings that are greater than our wildest dreams. My heart goes out to you my friend, please stay in touch more often. We miss and worry about you. Remember, you are not alone.
Remember Jeremiah 29: "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you a hope and a future; and when you call on me and search me with all your heart, you will find me".
Stay strong, hold on - remember whose you are.
05-21-2007, 09:47 AM
thank you, browneyedgirl. I love you like a sister. Sharing your story on here takes so much courage and love. I didn't talk openly on here because I felt like it was "off topic" but we all don't just have Lupus--we have the same things other peoples lives have, too! As if Lupus wasn't enough! Of course I will continue to pray, and I have others who are praying too. My heart is hurting but I know I have done the right thing for all involved. Your post moved me to tears (just when I thought I had none left!)
Jody, I am on One Day At a Time in Alanon online. I have found it to be wonderful. See you there if you want. They have a special Parent's Board that is brand new but is picking up steam. The ones who aren't parents but sisters, brothers, husbands and wives are supportive of all of us. I am so glad I found them.
Wow, I am exhausted today. I did so much yesterday around here, just to keep busy but I think emotions can make us tired, too. Thanks yall who have posted. Love, Kathy
Pretti in Pink
05-22-2007, 04:13 AM
You made the right choice in reaching out and opening up to us regardless to if it was about Lupus or not. By doing so you allowed your heart and soul to release and now it can begin to heal.
I will pray that you continue to heal, be strong, and continue to have a "healthy" relationship with your daughter. I will also pray for your daughter and her father. You know no matter how old our children are, it still takes a village to rasie a child.
05-22-2007, 10:48 AM
I, too, am a mother who has known the heart-ache of a child with an addiction. A child who, to this day, has not completely recovered from that addiction and, just when he is working his hardest, finds himself in jail for violation of probation for trivial matters and now has given up again (he stayed with my mother to care for her when she broke both of her legs, was arrested for violation of probation because my mother lives in another county) saying that it does no good to try to do good when you get punished no matter what you do.
I know the heartaches and pains that you have suffered as a mother with an addicted child and I know the things that they will do to feed that addiction. I am happy that you are working the program for you! There is no way that you can truly help your daughter until you are able to truly help yourself. Recognizing those things that we did, thinking that we were helping our children when, in reality, we were actually enabling our children, are our biggest and most important steps towards the freedom to forgive ourselves and to know that WE did not create this addiction...that the addiction is an entity of its own - it is not our child, and that we are not at fault. Once we relieve ourselves of that burden, then we are in a much better place to help our children. My son was at his best when he was doing things on his own, without me there saying "How can I help? What do you need? Let me pay for this for you!" Etc., etc.
This is a difficult journey, both for you and your daughter, and you will have a rough time just "Letting Go and Letting GOD". But, you are headed in the right direction and we are all here to help you with that. There will be times when you want to step in and make things better; there will be times when she will relapse (recovery is an even longer and arduous journey than the one we, as parents, must take), but like you said, you must continue to love you (hate the alcohol) and never lose faith in her eventual recovery. I am still praying for the recovery of my son - especially since he is all that I have left!
We are your family here and want to help you in any way that we can! We are here for you. I know it will be hard, but we are not going anywhere..we are here!!
Peace and Blessings
05-22-2007, 10:52 AM
thanks,Pretti in Pink. (by the way, that is one of my favorite movies!) In doing some "research" I have found that she lied to me about almost everything to do with her sobriety. I noticed several times while she was here that she either exagerated childhood experiences or flat out lied about them. I wonder if I will ever believe what she says again. She lies to her father, but he chooses to believe her. No big suprise there, as he is a big liar himself.
I did give her a choice while she was here of either going into rehab, or going back to her father's house. She told me rehab was "just a waste of time." Her words, her choices. *shakin' my head here*
05-22-2007, 10:55 AM
And Saysusie, you KNOW I love you, girl!!! :D
05-22-2007, 10:57 AM
The more I learn about you, the more I am convinced that you are a chosen Angel in my life. You see, my precious Lauri was raped in her first year of college and I don't think that she ever overcame that! She was set up on a blind date by some girls who were supposed to be her friends and who knew, full well, all about this guy! So, she felt betrayed and used on top of the shame she felt about the rape.
Just having you here and knowing your story, your courage, your strength and to see who and what you are today makes me cry. These are not tears of sadness, these are tears because somehow GOD knew that I needed you. I needed to know you, I needed to hear you, I needed to see what wonderful work he has done in your life - through all of your trials and tribulations - and to see how HE still works through you! I am having a hard time explaining this, but I hope you can understand what I am trying to say. Somehow, your strength and the person that you've become gives me hope..for both of my children (Lauri in heaven and Rudy, here on earth).
You are so much more than even you know and you do so much more than you even realize! I thank GOD that he crossed our paths!
With Much Love
05-24-2007, 04:26 PM
my dearest kathy, my heart just aches for you, and all of you suffereing and recovering from the devestation that addiction wreaks.
ive never known or been touched directly by the pain and misery of this awful thing. im just a youngin (38) with a 5 yr old ladybug, however, i care about those that are, and so very deeply about you all.
isnt it amazing how this place, our place, comes together with such genuine, openes, honesty, courage, and warmth to share, uplift, and strengthen!
you are loved kathy! and marycain, saysussie, jody, tonya, browneyedgirl, and all of those not mentioned. and are in my prayers (along with your child and loved ones - for they always will be, won't they?). so stay stong, and know that we will be here when you aren't or can't.
be well my friend :wink: