01-28-2004, 12:49 PM
Hello to all, i am a newbie to this site, i recently found it by accident whilst desperatly looking for some support. I have been ill since the birth of my daughter five years ago, but diagionsed with this dreadfull condition three years ago. I currently am experiencing more joint pain, breathleness and fatique than ever before and am generally fed up with being ill. I get so angry, i feel very annoyed that i have this as there is so much i wanted to do with my life and i feel too young to be sick. Now each time i try a new positive approach it all comes crashing down on me. I become so frustruted with others moaning about their lives and trival fears, i become upset by my family who really have not accecpted it but most of all i worry about my daughter and partner. How am I ever going to be a normal mum? although i try my best and push myself everyday how will it affect her, to know her mum is always sick or resting. I did not want to be a sick mum and partner. I want to be active and playful even able to go in the sun. Everything WE do depends on how i feel: Holidays, Days out, Party's, Weddings, School meetings, etc this makes me feel really selfish and angry. I sometimes feel that they should not have to live their lives with Lupus, as they do not have it, they can (and i somtimes try and persuade my partner to) walk away. My partner has already been through a childhood where one of his parents was incurabbly ill, how is it fair that again he has to witness someone who he loves in pain. He hides alot of his pain he has for me, but i can tell how much it is hurting him seeing me become less and less like my former self. I worry about the effect on the two of them so much ? I feel guilty.