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Soul
04-27-2007, 08:30 AM
. . . and it is only 10:30am.

I just dropped my two year old (almost three) off at daycare and I feel like crap.

I feel like a write-off and an emotional wreck to my family. I just want to walk out the door. I just don't know anymore and I can't stop crying.

I hate being 'normal' one minute and then bawling my eyes out the next. This life in a perpetual holding pattern is shattering me and no one seems to have answers. Everyday is Groundhog Day now.

How much is too much of my DH compensating for my instability? How much comforting and soothing can he give before I infect him and my boys' spirit as well????

Missy
04-27-2007, 09:55 AM
I"m so sorry you're feeling this way today. I've been there. When I was my sickest it was hard to realize what benefit, if any, I could be giving to my husband. I got through those dark days. I think much of those emotions and feelings was compounded by the medication I was taking. The prednisone made me confused, not able to remember things, grouchy, sensitive.

What I can see now that I'm down the road from where I was is that those times brought my husband and I closer, eventually. Getting through tough times with your family and yourself can open you up for new understandings of your relationships, yourself, your life. I wish this for you.

We all have something to give. It might be that at this time in your life, you are not able to give much. But, this is an opportunity for all those that you gave to in the past to have the opportunity to love you through this. My husband had hard days, too. But, he reminded me that I would have helped him through this. And I know that is true. So, I have to allow him to help me and tell him what I need from him. We made a commitment to support each other through life, not knowing if one or both of us would become ill. This is the way it worked out.

Some days will be really hard and then you'll have some ok days and some good days.

Take it one moment at a time and come here for support and understanding.

You are special and cared for. Remember that.

mnjodette
04-29-2007, 03:29 AM
Lupus is such a roller-coaster for all of us - I know what you're going through, and my heart goes out to you. Calm one moment - a disaster the next. Depression is natural when your life has been forever changed by something not of your choosing. And Missy is right - medications can sometimes make you feel like you're really losing it. Prednisone in particular has that side affect for some. Talk to your doctor about how you're feeling - emotionally as well as physically.

Sometimes it's very hard to share these things with family or friends. I know I just didn't think anyone would 'get it' and I was so tired of being a burden - a liability - to my family. I found this site in the middle of one of my many sleepless nights, and it has made a world of difference for me. I can read about what others think and feel here, and share my own thoughts. I still have sleepless nights, but this forum helps me fill some of that time. I hope you'll find some peace of mind here, too.

It's not easy to look for help when you've always been independent. But I've discovered that letting others help is a blessing to them, too. That's been a real eye opener for me. My husband was scared at first, and angry at the doctors for not being able to 'fix' this. But he's become so supportive, and we're closer than ever. It's OK to need the help of others right now - someday you'll be able to repay the kindnesses.

There will be times that are tough and it will be hard to imagine getting to the other side of them. But, there will very likely be times when your disease is inactive and when your meds are doing all the right things. Hang in there, and please come to 'talk' often. We'll be here waiting!

Jody

Barbara Jean
05-03-2007, 12:45 AM
Hi Soul girl, Have you thought about taking some anti-depressants? They can really help.

Ruth1980
05-03-2007, 03:26 AM
soul, I am so sorry to hear that you are having a tough time, we know exactly how frustrating it is, mnjodette nailed it right on the head, we all worry if people will "get it". Since I don't look sick sometimes people expect us to be wonderwomen and be it all and do it all. I have found that as long as I pace myself and prioritize that which is truly important I do pretty well. I have found that stressing causes a flare for me quicker than anything else. Good Luck! My thoughts and prayers are with you!

Barbara Jean
05-03-2007, 02:18 PM
Yes, I look good, but sometimes I am just so ill inside, I have to change plans I have made, and call and say "no, I can't make it, I can't be there!" This has happened to me many times, where at the last minute I have to cancel. Some people get mad at me about this, but I just have to take care of myself first. People have to understand or they can't be my friends.
Social functions and working at jobs are hard things for people with lupus, because sometimes we are just too ill to do it.

I was a teacher for 15 years, and it was just so hard everyday. I finally stopped about 6 years ago, and now I have a little business out of my home, and this is so perfect for me. It's my own schedule, and I work when I can. Sometimes I don't do anything for a week. I am so much happier, and this has reduced all of the stress of working outside of my home.
I found a way to make some money and take care of my body, mind and soul.

camyskitties
05-03-2007, 04:08 PM
Hi Barbara Jean,

I'm just curious what your business is? Please share!

Barbara Jean
05-03-2007, 04:46 PM
My business is with my son who is a corporate lawyer. I assist in different ways. It's good because he is a family member and understands lupus.

camyskitties
05-03-2007, 06:57 PM
Barbara Jean it is so great that you have family members that understand. You are very blessed. :)

TammyR
05-03-2007, 07:07 PM
Hey Soul, I feel that way some days too. Especially when I spent 3 years going down hill wondering what was wrong and the docs couldn't figure it out. I was so relieved I finally had a diagnosis and wasn't crazy. Then the depression hit that things would never be "normal" again...whatever normal is. Anyway, I bit the bullet and started on some antidepressants and although some days I still get down, I feel much better mentally. Physically I am waiting on the meds to work, but just wanted to let you know you aren't alone in how you feel....Tammy

angela
05-04-2007, 01:03 PM
hey gang!! so ms. soul, it's was a bad day?! yep. and thats ok. it's ok! im so sorry! however, i dont know you, but i know that you're strong! a hubby and a toddler?!?! :shock: you are still you, in sure!!

theres nothing more i can add to what everyone else has said in terms of how it is-the rollercoaster rides and such. that's just how it is, and it is what it is. but i can say to you that it does and will get better for you! we all have a story, and yet we are all still here, fighting! FIGHT SOUL. we've got your back.

stop and breathe. think for a moment about all that is good for you. thats it. nothing more for that moment. yes, allow yourself a pitty party on the potty,you derserve it! but then get up and FLUSH! sorry! i'm not as wonderfully eloquent like i used to be as so many are here - its in my brain now and affects my speech and wording, along with many other things :lol:

for me, the guilt is the worst and it's no fun! but what can you do? really?

i'm sorry if im 'fussy', i just finished fussing at my dh (dear hubby)! i tried to wait a while before i responded to cool down :oops: you know those dern hubby's!! :lol:

anyway, my dearest soul, be well, and take good care, and come back often!

:wink: