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View Full Version : BROWNEYEDGIRL....feelin' a little blue....I need you !!



browneyedgirl53
03-02-2007, 07:42 PM
Confession time....I haven't been feeling so hot lately; kidney function is decreasing, anxiety increasing....hopes fading....and determination soon at the edge.

Arghhhhh, I know this too shall pass....it's just that I'm tired, tired of feeling like I'm fighting a new war everyday...feelinig like there's just never a break in this disease. The tears have been falling, and my imagination of what it used to be like when I felt "good"....is beginning to disappear.

I know it's the "funk factor" going on...and I need to pick myself up outta my pity pool...and I will. I just needed to time to mourn a past that was full of good health and little appreciation for it. Mourning the pain that continues day after day....and there's nothing to stop it.

Life is not for sissy's...and it calls for every committed fiber in my soul to keep on this journey. I keep thinking that God must have realized I was too independent and stubborn to listen to His "still small voice"....instead He needed to stop me in my tracks....and say "Gurlfren, it's time we talk".
So, I'm learning to live more on my knees (in prayer)...and that living an attitude of gratitude takes alot more grace than I ever could comprehend before. What it all boils down to is love....isn't it? To love the place we're in for however long we need to be in that place that brings us to our knees and learn the lessons God has in store for us to carry onto to the next phase of this journey.

So, I'll just consider this my "roadstop confessional"...and get back on the road of redemption...understanding that God's grace covers more than we can ask for; God's mercies are new everyday....and we can never fall further than His Holy Hands can reach down to rescue us.

Thanks for letting me ultra-vent....it's been a long time since I've opened up my heart for others to see. So here it is, wounded and crying. Stay with me friends, I know I can carry on....I'm just tired right now.

I pray this message goes through.

Love to you all,
Browneyedgirl (in a boo hoo mood)

christina
03-02-2007, 09:20 PM
Your venting turned out to be one of the most inspirational things I've read.I'm truly sorry things are not going so well for you. You know I am not too far down the road from you so if you need anything don't hesitate to call on me. I wish you luck on your road.

angela
03-02-2007, 09:22 PM
hey sweet heart! i guess that was you i had been feeling! i had been all done for the day! im not all that eloquent, but im going to give it a try anyway! i just hope i can type fast enough!

yes my darling, this will pass, however, let's deal with the now. right now you feel awful, and rightly so. this is a crappy hand that's been dealt you. yet its so admirable how you're handling it. it's wonderful that you are able to own up to how you're feeling. scream and shout, please, get it out. you and your soul will feel so much better.

pause for a moment and take a look at who and what is in your life that you can celebrate. shout for each person and aeach chievement. think about all the funny and hilarious things that have happened, or have been said to you. laugh browneyed darling, laugh hard! think of a memory that makes you proud, warm, happy. revel and take comfort in that.

your are a strong and inspiring fighter and YOU WILL WIN :!:

you are loved :wink:

so sorry, i would have had this to you even sooner, but my 5 yearold ladybug is in rare form :!:

mnjodette
03-03-2007, 08:35 AM
Oh, Browneyedgirl, how I feel for you right now! You see so clearly and you share so completely - you ARE an inspiration. We're here to help you through this rough patch, and pray that it passes quickly. I've always believed that God provides us pockets of strength in little secret places, hidden away until we need them. Just when we think we're all out, one of those pockets opens up and we have strength anew to get us through whatever we're facing. That's not to say we don't grieve what's lost. We may not be able to recapture what was before, but we can find peace (and even joy) in where we are now. I pray that you find some release from those things that are causing you such pain and sadness now, Browneyedgirl, and are given a little of that joy in your life. In the meantime, vent as much as you want. That's what friends are for. We love you.

Jody

browneyedgirl53
03-03-2007, 05:51 PM
I ABSOLUTELY LOVE YOU, FRIENDS. Thanks for lifting me up when I was feelin' so low. I loved that each of you added a special gift to each note....wow, I'm amazed at all the loving, caring and compassionate people on this site.........that reflects so much on Saysusie, St. James....and our illustrious maestro Conrad. This is site with such class, warm and loving friends.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR REACHING OUT....that's the first time I've been so scared. I usually think I'm so strong; well the sissy in me jumped in the front seat and took a joyride with ALL of my emotions.

I love you friends, thanks for being my sisters. The honor is all mine.

Hugs all around the world to you !!!
Browneyedgirl

missdeb
03-04-2007, 10:34 AM
You are truely an inspiration to all who look to this site for some kind of comfort. Even in your need of reaching out for help you have helped someone else!

Your words independent and stubborn jumped out at me and slapped me in the face. I too feel this has been my downfall in all areas of my life. I am aware and now ready to let God help me. But it took this sickness to surface this past year to do so. Hang in there. The strength will come! God Bless!

Saysusie
03-04-2007, 12:05 PM
Hello Gurlfren;
First, let me say that I am so happy that you are feeling a bit better. But, you know that you NEVER need to apologize for venting your feelings of frustration here!
Yes, it is TRULY all about LOVE. Love of who we are, for the God in me sees and recognizes the God in you (Namaste) and I celebrate that God of Love that I see in you. I see you in perfection, I hold you up in that perfection and I know that, no matter what the body is experiencing, the soul is one with the creator and, therefore, is in perfect health. Your mind can perceive this perfection and oneness with all that is good, whole and healthy. Once the mind and the spirit are aligned in this perception, the body will soon have to follow so that you will be one with the creator - mind, body and spirit. I see you, in my heart, full of love and that brings you peace of mind. Maintain that peace of mind so that you can help your body to recover from this relapse.
We are all here for you, to help you make this journey and to walk this path with you. I know how hard it can be, how frustrating it can feel..but we are here for you and with you, my friend.
Always
Peace and Blessings
Saysusie

MARYCAIN
03-04-2007, 02:27 PM
Browneyedgirl, you are such a blessing to all of us. I've never met you, but I feel as if I've known you forever. I wish I could reach out and give you a hug. I don't know who wrote it, but there's a quote I really like - it gives me some comfort that things are working out the way they should, even when I'm tired and depressed and can't see the eternal forest for all the little "trees" of doubt and fear and pain. I hope it brings you some bit of comfort too.

"I asked God for strength, that I might achieve, I was made weak, that I might learn humbly to obey... I asked for health, that I might do greater things, I was given infirmity, that I might do better things... I asked for riches, that I might be happy, I was given poverty, that I might be wise... I asked for power, that I might have the praise of men, I was given weakness, that I might feel the need of God... I asked for all things, that I might enjoy life, I was given life, that I might enjoy all things. I got nothing that I asked for, but everything I had hoped for, almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered, I am among men, most richly blessed".

Missy
03-04-2007, 03:20 PM
((((Hugs))))) to you, Broweyedgirrl!!!!

Keep your head up and keep coming here when you're feeling down!

browneyedgirl53
03-05-2007, 05:38 AM
Oh my, it's oh dark thirty and I can't sleep so I thought I would check in and see what's going on here. Oh how I love having this place to find those who understand so well how much this pain hurts, how frustrating this all can be.

Missdeb, funny how you talk about having this disease has stopped you long enough to see things. Just yesterday, my best friend and I were talking about how I should be thankful for Lupus....and I about fell out of my chair thinking "are you NUTS?"...but then she went on to say; "God will always catch you when you fall...but you have to let go in order to find out if His promise is true or not". Letting go of "my mission" in this life, has turned out to be the best thing I've ever done. I found God in the midst of my freefall (if you will) and discovered....He is real, He does keep his promises....and yep, that rainbow you see in the sky after a storm is His way of reassuring us that He keeps His promises. Thank you for your encouragement.

Saysusie, your words are a healing balm to my tired body and mind. I will take all that you said and focus on the "good" that God has in store for me. I love you for having the courage to keep your commitment to all of us who come to you for comfort.....sometimes I wonder if you fully comprehend how huge your ministry has grown by creating such a soulful, healing, and comforting place for us to be? I know God's up there telling your baby girl, "look Laurie....look at what your mom is doing; she's doing good in your name and mine....and I am proud of your mom" ! Thank you love for those wonderful words of wisdom !!

Marycain, you touch such a soft place in my heart. I loved that saying you shared with me, I will cherish that forever!! I always look forward to your chats. Thank you for your kind words, for your encouragement....and for your sweet spirit. It's so comforting to walk into this wonderful world of "chat" and find others to whom you share so much in common with.

Now, if I could only figure out why I keep getting those blasted "invalid session" messages. I never know if my messages go through....and I hope this gets back to all of you.

Much love,
Browneyedgirl

littlered
03-09-2007, 08:53 AM
Browneyedgirl, you are one of my absolute favorites here (I have so many thanks to this site.) I have been in a funk for awhile now also. I am finding my funk is lifting. Like you, I keep reminding myself that God has a purpose for everything. There are strengths that we have developed and lessons we have learned that perhaps we would not have learned any other way. I know I have developed compassion and understanding for all with a medical condition; not just pity, which is useless, but real understanding. I used to be such a vain and shallow person; how I looked was my self-worth. I'm WAY beyond that now. Yes, I care how I look, but that's not all of who I am. And the love and caring that I have discovered in the people in my life is wonderful. I always knew my friends and family loved me; I just didn't know how much.
You too, are a treasure. You are spunky, funny and unique. God put you here for a reason and is keeping you here for a reason. He dreams a bigger and better dream for us than we can ever dream for ourselves. Know that you are LOVED unconditionally--by Him and by me. Love, Kathy

msdawnie44
03-09-2007, 10:16 AM
Browniegirl,
Thanks for your venting...been feeling the same way....I read your last comment and boy did I need that. I know God is with me...but sometimes life and this dammed illness makes you want to screem...I know God listens and shows us ways to cope....I just havent been listening. Your words are very inspirational......Thank you again.
Just call me the perminant brain fog girl. God bless and I hope you are feeling better.
Dawn (sorry if there are misspelled words....cognitive problems today)