View Full Version : Dating
01-26-2007, 12:35 AM
I met this guy a year ago and really like him then but he was dating someone else. While I was having some good days we went on a couple of dates (he split up with the gf a few months ago). I've told him about my pending diagnosis and he seemed to get it. We had plans to go drive up in the mountains this weekend and do some sightseeing but today was a bad day and I'm not allowed to be that far away from the hospital so I told him we need to make other plans.
He seems fine with it but I don't think I want him to see me like this. Just being around him I feel like I have more energy but I think its inevitable for him to be there when I have a seizure or can't use my legs or arms. I'm afraid he won't be able to handle it. Or, even worse, that he'll feel like he has to save me. I've always been very independent and the last thing I want is to be someone's wilting flower. But I also have to admit to the people around me that I can't do everything by myself. As I'm writing this my roommate is sacked out on the livingroom floor so that if we have to go to the ER she'll have an easier time hearing me (I'm so lucky to have her).
Does anyone have any advice on helping other people cope. I never know how to tell them how bad/well i'm doing because it changes so much. I really like this guy but I think it would hurt our chances of a healthy relationship if things got too clinical too soon.
Sometimes I don't feel like its fair to date anyone at all. If I can hardly handle my illness sometimes how can I expect another person to? Is it fair to put someone else in that position?
01-26-2007, 09:00 AM
Betty, you sound like such a 'together' person to me, I think it would be a shame not to let someone get close enough to know the 'real you.' And the real you includes your illness. That doesn't mean it has to define who you are - but it is a part of you. I can understand not wanting to reveal all of your neediest moments to someone right away. But, if you like this guy, you may want to give him the opportunity to show whether or not he's up to the challenge. And you can be frank with him (or anyone else who comes along) about how you like to be treated.
You are lucky to have such a caring and supportive roommate! I'm glad you've got someone to watch out for you. I hope you'll let us know how it's going with the new bf! Take care.
01-26-2007, 09:40 AM
Betty, I think everyone with a chronic illness has concerns and fears about sharing that part of their lives with another person, especially if you're at an early stage in your relationship. But for a relationship to really grow and thrive, it has to have roots, and those roots begin by being willing to risk being honest and open with another person. Yes, it makes you vulnerable, and it does mean you run the risk of being hurt, but as you've already learned the hard way, there are no guarantees in life - it doesn't always turn out the way you planned it. And by limiting your relationship to the "good days", you may be shutting yourself off from the chance of developing a deeper, more meaningful relationship. If he can't "handle it", do you really want to find that out later on, when you feel the relationship is serious? Or take the chance now, let him get to know the "real you", and hope that your relationship takes root and grows.
"Love is not about finding the perfect person,
it's about learning to see an imperfect person perfectly"
02-24-2007, 08:00 AM
i'm in a similar situation.
i'm separated. i was with my husband 4 over 10yrs. he basically gave up because he couldn't deal with my illness anymore.
i've met someone recently and they don't seem 2 care about me being ill. i'm using a wheelchair now and he's been pressing me 2 go out. i, like u, really like him but am afraid that the closer he gets he'll realize how much difficulty i have. i told him some things but he doesn't seem 2 care. he's patient with me. but i feel like if we got 2gether it would b selfish.
i don't really have any advice cause i need some of my own but i wanted 2 let u know your not alone in your feelings or situation.
it's hard but i stop and think sometimes, "i deserve 2 be loved and 2 b happy just as much as any "healthy" person".
02-25-2007, 10:13 AM
I just wanted to share my experience with you also.
I was married 5 years when I was diagnosed. My husband is an active athlete and I went through terrible guilt about not being able to live the life we thought we would. He went through anger at having parts of me "taken away." The likelihood of not having bio kids was tough, too. We both wanted to stick it out. We went to counseling for a couple of months before the counselor said we didn't need it anymore. We have both changed because of Lupus, but we grew together. My hubby has taken the increased responsibility he has (especially financially) now as a badge of honor, like "I can handle this." I think it has helped his self-confidence, he has really moved up in his career, and I have become so much more laid back in our relationship.
We are closer than ever, and we always say that we probably have the most secure relationship of all our friends, because we face hurdles every day and get through it.
So, I think dealing with a chronic illness allows you to perhaps have an even deeper relationship than you though possible.
Good luck! And try to get over the guilt! You are great people, with or without Lupus!
02-25-2007, 02:52 PM
Thank you everyone for everything you said. Its really good to know that I'm not alone in how insecure I feel and that there is also hope for a normal relationship.
After getting to know the guy better over the last few weeks I've been really surprised. He's very active and athletic so I thought it was going to be a real problem that I can't keep up with him. But he's been so good about finding a whole spectrum of stuff we can no matter what my energy level is. Most of the time we watch movies or play cards and sometimes we just take naps together. We come from different cultures so lately we've been giving eachother cooking lessons.
Its not serious and I think I kind of like it that way. Our friendship has grown so close and I feel so lucky to have found a guy who goes along with whatever my energy level allows. If I tell him I'm not really that sick and that it won't limit me he's very supportive. And during the bad days when I feel like my life is over and I'm really sad he cuddles up with me and asked me what he can do to help. He does the dishes too!
I don't know what the future will bring but for now I'm pretty happy.
02-25-2007, 10:15 PM
Good for you, Betty!!!!
And enjoy someone doing the dishes! That is the nice thing baout having a partner. They do help you out!
I think Lupus has allowed me to be more independent, too. I want my hubby to still be able to do the things he enjoys, so I just rest while he goes on a 30 mile bike ride. And I actually like the alone time.
02-26-2007, 03:15 PM
Betty, I'm so glad you found someone to share time with, and who understands. It's a special relationship, no matter how it turns out. Just enjoy! Good for you!