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admin
12-04-2006, 10:10 PM
I sent out holiday greetings to members and said "here we are closing another year together."

I received this response today:
"My wife passed away last February. She overdosed on her Plaquenil."

What do I say?

Missy
12-04-2006, 10:13 PM
Oh my gosh - I didn't even know that was possible with Plaquenil........

So sad..........

MARYCAIN
12-04-2006, 11:02 PM
Plaquenil is very toxic in large doses and there have been fatalities even with accidental overdose, especially where small children are involved - they are very sensitive to the drug. Plaquenil is absorbed into the system so fast that treatment has to start very quickly after ingestion - more than 30 minutes and someone who overdoses may go into convulsions and cardiac arrest. So keep it well out of the reach of children. But it doesn't sound like this was accidental, so I guess the only thing you can say is I'm sorry for your loss.

psalm 56 3
12-05-2006, 08:25 AM
The only thing I know to do is acknowledge his loss. Its very difficult when someone loses a loved one. I know for myself I have wanted to reach out and fear has held me back. We lost my niece on Thanksgiving day 2 years ago. That was the first time I left my comfort zone and reached out. It made all the difference in the world to the family.

I know if something happens to me I hope you will all give words of encouragement to my husband.

beautifulbeluga
12-05-2006, 09:57 AM
I agree with the other posters, there isn't much you can say except to acknowledge his loss with a condolence. My clinical practice was targeted at those with grief/loss issues and if it was one thing my clients taught me is how appreciated a simple "I am so sorry", statement meant to them after their loss and how upsetting it was if someone knew about it and said nothing.

Giving a condolence somehow legitimates a person's life and tells the one left behind that it is OK to feel whatever they are feeling to grieve. This is an especially awkward situation because it sounds like a suicide and we as a society tend to shun the family simply because we don't know what to say. A family left behind after a death especially a suicide needs to hear other's cared enough to say "I'm sorry for your loss".

Saysusie
12-05-2006, 09:59 AM
Conrad;
Do you remember sending me a short note that basically said that you were there if I needed you for anything at anytime??? That was the perfect thing to say and it was exactly what I needed to hear! You do very well at saying just the right thing at the right time because your heart is so genuine!!
I know whatever you say to him will be perfect. Take a moment in meditation and the answer will come to you!!

Always your friend
Saysusie

admin
12-07-2006, 02:28 PM
Yes, I remember that and it's still true.

It's still bothering me so I looked up the member email address (which I have now changed so they won't receive emails from us and their identity is private).

I was curious as to whether there was a need not addressed, etc. There was only one post on the account, from the husband, not the wife. And it appears he was reaching out because his wife was making preparations to check out. That is what I get from the post.

There were several responses but he never responded....

Here it is:
http://www.wehavelupus.com/message-board-forum/viewtopic.php?p=4836

MARYCAIN
12-07-2006, 03:38 PM
I feel very sorry for the husband - I read the posts and he was obviously confused and anxious. But there is so little he could have done - her marriage probably cut her off from her own family and culture, and he was trying to reach across a huge cultural divide that neither of them could cross. Depression and mental illness are stigmatized in korean culture and talking to a counselor or psychiatrist is not something they do. And if she had scars or hair loss, she would have seen those as her fault and something to be ashamed of. It is incredibly sad, but given her culture and values, probably not surprising.

Saysusie
12-08-2006, 02:23 PM
Conrad;
I remember him and I remember his posts. I also remember talking to my next door neighbor (who is Korean) and asking her to help me understand what his wife was experiencing. I was sad when he did not respond to any of our posts! I am equally sad that he has now lost the wife whom he was trying so hard to help and to understand.
Since you have changed his address, will you still try to respond to him? If so, please convey our sympathies to him and tell him that there are very many people here who wish him well and who will keep him in our prayers, our thoughts and our hearts!!

Your Friend
Saysusie

admin
12-08-2006, 10:46 PM
I took your advice and contacted him.

I conveyed our sympathies to him, told him we care, and that I was at a loss for words beyond that.

My gut is that it will just remind him of the pain, but have taken your advice that the worst thing to do is to ignore it. Hopefully he will receive the message in the spirit it was given.

Saysusie
12-09-2006, 12:31 AM
I can guarantee that he will :lol: - Trust me, when you are grieving, knowing that others are thinking of YOU helps tremendously!!
Thank You for conveying our messages and Thank You for being sensitive to his needs as well!!

SMOOCHES
Saysusie

admin
12-09-2006, 03:46 PM
I received a response from him today. I was a little nervous to read it. Was he going to slam me for not making things different, did he appreciate it.

Scroll down slowly for his response.........



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It's those liitle things, like just those words, that
mean so mean so much to me, and especially coming from
another suffering from that isidious disease. Thank
you. Good luck to you.

Saysusie
12-11-2006, 08:59 AM
Thank you Conrad for reaching out to him...
I am so happy that you did. And, like he said, it is those little words of kindness and comfort that mean the most when you are grieving!!

Much Love
Saysusie

stjames13
12-11-2006, 11:14 AM
:(
That was sad CONRAD but you said and did the right thing....

Sadly that is one of the downfalls of having a disease that is not well researched and the medecine's that are given to treat it.

You did good my friend, ALLOWING US TO HAVE THIS BAORD to talk to each other and get questions answered and sometimes just reach out for that shoulder to lean on is all it akes to comfort one.

You did real good , but I am sure the pain is still there.

I AM VERY PROUD OF YOU AND VERY THANKFULL TO YOU FOR ALL YOU HAVE DONE FOR ME AND FOR MAKING THIS BOARD POSSIBLE.

YOU FRIEND...FOR OVER 6 YEARS NOW !!!!!

JAMES :wink:

admin
12-11-2006, 01:16 PM
Aw shucks......everyone's getting all Christmasy around here.

:lol: