View Full Version : i'm sorry...

10-26-2006, 12:48 AM
again..i know i'm new..but tonight (or technically this morning)..i'm really really having a rough time. i'm feeling very depressed and unwanted..the other day i was trying to talk to a friend about how i feel and how sad i was..trying to talk to her serious issues i'm having..it was over messenger..but still..that's the only way i really get ahold of her now days. she doesn't seem to have much time for me anymore. i've known her for 7 years and she's the only friend that really stuck with me through my whole lupus ordeal. i was trying to tell her how i was feeling and how scared i was..but she totally blew me off..she told me she was also talking to some dude from a site that she frequents..which is fine..but i still expected her to pay attention a little bit..i waited 30 minutes for a response on if i could talk to her about something..i finally gave up and told her i was going to go lay down...and that i loved her. i always tell her that..i just feel kind of neglected..i know it may feel that i do it to her..but it's not that i don't have time for her..as you all very well know. i just don't feel good sometimes..and i can't go out to the bar..or i can't leave the house that day and hang out because my white count is low..again..when i needed her support..someone to listen..she was not there..well..she was there..but not there..if you get what i mean?

i've been depressed that i don't feel like myself anymore..i really hate looking in the mirror..i just don't feel that it's me looking back. i feel so very unattractive..all my stretch marks, scars (very noticable ones) and the prominate veins that have showed up in recent months..not that it helps that i'm depressed about being sick...i've had this cold for a little more than a week..it's not going away..and i'm getting new symptoms..yesterday i woke up at 3am coughing my brains out..coughed so much and so hard that i ended up puking..i worried my fiance because it looked like i was coughing up clots of blood. my nose wasn't bleeding and i had eaten nothing red. called my rhuemy today because i'm really worried that i may be dying (which is why i was trying to talk to my friend)...but they weren't there..i left a message but no reply yet. i'm really scared..and i want to cry..i don't know what to do..and i feel so alone..i really need some friends..

10-26-2006, 05:04 AM
It sounds like you are having such a hard time. It hurts to be scared and upset and feel like you're alone with such a big burden.

Depression can be a very serious problem in lupus - first, because the disease itself affects how our brains work, and second, because of the effects of living with chronic pain and illness. Almost everyone diagnosed with lupus will struggle with depression at some point in the illness - it sounds like you might be at that point right now. It's a vicious circle because depression makes it harder to cope with pain, and living with constant pain can trigger depression. Please understand that the sadness and feeling of isolation isn't something you bring on yourself by being in a bad mood or not trying to be optimistic all the time - it's a fundamental change in your brain chemistry caused by the illness. When it happens, you need to talk to your doctor because treatments are available that can help. You let your doctor know about the physical effects of this disease, but it's also important to talk about the emotional effects, which in many ways are even harder on you.

It sounds like your fiancee is a very caring person, and I'm glad he's concerned about your coughing. You may have coughed hard enough to rupture some little blood vessels in your throat - this is fairly common during a hard coughing spell, and doesn't mean the blood is coming from your lungs. But it still needs to be checked out right away - plus you need something for the cough. If you can't get in touch with your rheumie, do you have a primary care doctor to call?

I'm sorry I wasn't online last night to reply to you - please post today and let us know how you are doing.

10-26-2006, 06:31 PM
i do have a family doc here. i visited him today and all he gave me is a different anitbiotic. he also said that the blood clots could be caused from irritation in my throat. as for my rhuemy..hasn't gotten ahold of me yet.

i know i have depression. i'm on wellbutrin because all the other ones didn't seem to work either. i've tried lexapro and effexor. i'm not sure what to do about it. i don't usually have such a hard time..but i've been feeling so sick lately..i haven't been able to take care of my fiance as well as i should. he's not a very good cook..so he's been eating things like cereal. i'm afraid of hurting his health. which is why i decided to take him to work today..despite the fact i woke up so stiff and nauseous. i made him some beef and brocoli for his lunch..which i'll take to him soon. even though the smell makes me sick to my stomach. i love him so much. he wants me to tell him my problems and tell him when i'm sad. which i do most of the time..but it's been several times in the past week..it makes me sad to make him sad..he tells me he doesn't mind the fact i can't cook for him..and that i shouldn't be so conserned about how i look...that he loved me before for the person i am..and i could gain another 50lbs or more and he'd still think i was beautiful. that touched me so deeply..i couldn't help but cry..i just wish i could make him happy always..when he's happy..it makes me feel happy..no matter how i'm feeling that day..=(

i'm really glad you replied. i get to feeling so clingy and dependant when i feel sick. it's really nice to be able to pour my emotions out to people that know exactly how i feel..my fiance supports me..but i also need outside sources for support..aside from my family..they do care alot and do what they can..but they still don't understand how i feel. not really.

thank you again..and i'll try to make an appointment to see my rhuemy tomorrow. =)

10-27-2006, 06:24 AM
I hope you are doing better and that you DOC helped you out.

PLEASE try to understand the DOCS know nothing about LUPUS and what they know is NOT written on stone....alot are just doing all they can do to keep us comfortable.

But you must keep alog on how you feel and bring it with you when you go. Especially if they give you a new medication.

I HOPE YOU ARE DOING BETTER TODAY and if not PLEASE let us know what happened when you went to the DOCS so maybe we can offer some alternative ideas or at least some support.