View Full Version : Serious predicament

10-16-2006, 06:32 AM
Hi all, something i need to get off my chest. ( might be a tad bit long);

Well, some background; I've had lupus for ten years now. Started at the age of 14(going on 15).
In the past ten years the only other contact with other persons with my disease was on this forum.

Couple of years back i suffered from a severe case of depression, never got counselling for it or for lupus.
Still extremely depressed some days. These days it just seems to be a way of life.

Which brings me to my home life:
I've had a terrible argument with my father about the way he treats me. ( i know it sounds like i'm complaining) :cry: :mad: I also think that i should not be even living in his house :oops:
With regards to hist treatment to me , he is extremeley abusive, in fact way before the lupus has even started, i even get beaten with a broom stick at
10/11 not sure which for beating him in a computer game.

For years i've endured physical and emotional abuse.
While at his house, he walks as if i'm not even there( still complaining) i know.He would just nock right through me ( and claim that he does'nt know what he is doing)

This is just the tip of the iceberg :mad:
It has come to the point that i (angrily ) confronted him. I just can not take it anymore.
A huge argument ensured, resulting in him threatening to put him out of "his" house.
I'm not sure what to do now, for the past year me even looking at him would result in waves of anger coming to the fore. I feel like i just hate him.

Please, anyone advise.
Is all this normal?
Is what i'm feeling normal?

10-16-2006, 08:02 AM
Not knowing the laws in South Africa regarding abuse, I am not sure how I can counsel you. From your post, I am assuming that you are around 25 yrs old...is that correct? If so, you are no longer required to be in his home (are you in his home or is he in yours?). If you are in his home, you have every right to move out and be on your own. Do you have an income of your own? Are you able to support yourself?
No one should have to endure physical abuse. Here in the United States, it is against the law and in California, it is called "domestic violence". If there are similar laws in South Africa, then it might behoove you to take advantage of them.
For yourself, it would probably be beneficial for you to get some form of counseling, both for your lupus depression and for the abuse that you have had to endure from your father (both emotionally and physically).
You have taken one of the most important first steps, telling him that he can no longer abuse you and that you will no longer submit to his abuse. You must understand that it is NOT you who has the problem, there are some serious emotional issues going on with your father that HE needs to resolve. Until he does that, he can no longer take out his anger, unhappiness, resentment, or feelings of unworthiness on you!! Remove yourself from the situation, if you can, and seek treatment FOR YOURSELF. You father must help himself, you cannot do that for him. Your first priority is your safety and your well being.
Please keep us informed of what your decisions are and how you are doing.

Peace and Blessings

10-16-2006, 10:07 AM
I have worked with children who have been abused by their parents - often they feel like it is their fault or they have somehow brought in on themselves - I know you are an adult, but this is still your father, so you may feel the same way. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Your father has his own demons - you are the target NOT THE CAUSE of his anger.

I know you are an observant Muslim and that honoring your parents is an extremely important part of your culture and religion. It is the same in my own religion. But honoring your father does not mean that you have to obey him in all things, or accept his abuse and violence. you should not feel guilty because your father's treatment makes you angry - Allah does not require you to accept harm to yourself in this situation.

As a practical matter, you are an adult male and do have more options than an unmarried daughter might have about leaving your father's home. Are there other family members with whom you could stay? Do you feel comfortable talking with the religious leaders of your mosque, who might be able to mediate and persuade your father to seek help? The important thing is to remove yourself from the situation before it escalates to further violence. If you have a job and your own income, is there affordable housing, or someone you could share expenses with, so you can have your own place. I know very little about south africa and what resources are available there, but I do know it's imortant for you to get help now before the situation gets worse.

10-16-2006, 01:57 PM
I've been trying to locate some resources for you - I'm afraid these numbers are mostly for women victims of domestic violence, but they may be able to help you find some help and support. I wish there was more we could do - I'm really worried about your situation.


Stop Woman Abuse National Toll-free Hotline 0800 150150

Life Line: Johannesburg (011) 728 1347

Durban (031) 23 2323; Port Elizabeth (041) 55 5581; Cape Town (021) 461 1111

Adapt: (011) 885 3309

Advice Desk for Abused Women: (031) 204 4111

Black Sash: (011) 834 8361

Domestic Violence Assistance Programme: (031) 260 1588

Family and Marriage Centre of South Africa: Johannesburg (011) 833 2057/788 4784; Port Elizabeth (041) 585 9393; Durban (031) 304 8991; Cape Town (021) 461 7360; Pretoria (021) 322 7136

Masimanyane Womens Support Centre:(0431) 43 9169

Nisaa Institute for Women’s Development:(011) 854 5804/5

People Opposing Women Abuse:(011) 642 4345

People Against Human Abuse:(012) 805 7416

Trauma Clinic: (011) 403 5102/3

United Sanctuary for Battered Women:(021) 572 5256

Wits Mental Health Society: (011) 484 1503


11-24-2006, 07:59 AM
Hi all, sorry for being so quiet for so long.

After 25 years i found out that he is not my real father.It was really painfull to
hear these words coming from him. I think it would've been more appropriate if i found out when i was much younger.

I'm still having lots of confused emotions about this.
To me my whole life has changed. the one day one thing the other, i find out that i dont even know who my real father is.

To top ita all , this was all revealed to me just before i started writing exams.
Hopefully that all went well.

Anyway, gotta head home, and face the music. And just hope and pray that one day i do get to finally meet my real father. And that he will not make me dissapointed to have wanted to meet him in the first place.

The one upside tho, i never really knew why i got lupus, and the rest of my "family" did not. It is possibly from my biological father's side.

Hopefully our first encounter will leave me with a sense of better understanding.

bye all.
And happy thanx giving to all in US. hope i'm not too late.


11-24-2006, 08:56 AM
I am very sorry for your situation - this sounds so painful. But are you sure this is actually true, and not something your father made up in order to hurt you? I do not want to accuse your father, but alcoholics in a rage sometimes say the most hurtful thing they can to strike out at the target of their rage. Are there other family members who can tell you more about the circumstances of your birth?

But whatever happens, remember that you are your own man now - you are far more than a product of your father's genes, whoever he was - and you must not let this define your life. Please seek some help and counseling, and let us know how you are doing. Even though none of us will ever meet you, you are our brother, and we feel for your pain.

11-24-2006, 11:34 AM
Morpheus: It certainly sounds like you have lots of things going on in your life right now and I would only encourage you to get someone there (a good therapist) to help you in your process of sorting and healing.

You started your post with issues of parental abuse, your depression, dealing with health and now issues around paternity and the possibility that you may have another biological father out there somewhere. Each one of these is a huge issue in and of themselves but you have several coming at you.

You mentioned that you are in university, and any university has for its students a counselling service. Please, Morpheus take advantage of this opportunity and go and see them immediately. There is no shame in asking for help, in fact it is a strength to be able to recognize when we need it. You have already taken the first step by mentioning your issues here on the forum. You have brought issues up previously however, and I am often left with the feeling that after the initial catharsis you may not be moving forward to any sort of resolution for yourself. You need to resolve some of these issues my friend and I hope and pray you will reach out find and use some of the resources available to you at this time.

Keep us posted as we are also you "lupus family" from all over the world and want only the best for you.

Sending you positive energy and motivational encouragement.

The beautifulbeluga