View Full Version : Dealing with loved ones
04-21-2013, 06:57 PM
I got diagnosed in January 2007. My now-husband, then-boyfriend was amazing. He did tons of research, kept me upbeat and met all my doctors. He continues to be super-supportive and a great motivator. Then the other day, in the midst of a fight, he counters with, "you just aren't the same person since you got lupus". It has been days now and I haven't honestly responded because it struck so many nerves.
1. I feel hurt that he would use lupus against me in an argument.
2. I secretly worry that he is right and that I am not the same and not as fun.
We gave since made up and he looks at me with those "I screwed up" eyes from time to time.
Have any of y'all had these issues or feelings?
04-21-2013, 08:24 PM
unfortunately some of us do change ....... my marriage has ended because I am not the person I was 20 years ago. some people can adjust to the change, some don't. I am sorry to hear this story, but unfortunately I cannot offer advice, because my ideas all failed.
04-22-2013, 07:42 AM
People change with or without lupus. Hopefully as we go through life we are continually growing, changing, improving and for the better! Lupus? well that's just another facet of our lives we live and grow with. I'm not going to try to analyze the reasoning behind what your husband said. I don't know him and I'm not qualified. I don't know how its changed you. I do know how it has changed me AND my husband and I gotta tell you- the lupus diagnosis was probably the best thing to ever happen to my marriage. It woke my husband up and made him realize just how fragile life is and it has given him a deeper respect for our marriage. I'm not the same person I was when we were married 26 years ago THANK GOD! How much of that has to do with lupus? Hard to say. Growing older and hopefully wiser inspite of the lupus. At one point around the 10 year mark in our marriage, my dear husband commented in a sarcastic tone that I've changed since we married and my response was.... "Thank God!" I'd hoped that I hadn't stalled out and became stale. I'd hoped I'd grown and like fine wine I'd improved! In my opinion, to NOT change is to not grow. Hang on, papillon, better days are coming, worse days too but better ones will follow. Keep researching, learning and growing. Celebrate the good days and work through the bad. Good luck and remember we are here for you. Encourage your husband to join us as well.
I think it is time you talk about it. The longer you both let it sit like the elephant in the room the bigger it gets.
What was said above it true. We all change, lupus or not. The thing is that blaming Lupus is like blaming Cancer or death. It isn't something that can be helped. Talk about it before it becomes bigger then ya'll are