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View Full Version : Worst Birthday Ever...thank you lupus!



ButterflyRN
02-10-2013, 11:01 PM
So birthdays are to be happy right? Not mine. My loving spouse is at his wits end with the realities my disease brings to the table. Now I first will say he loves me, but of course as I do hates my disease. I'm 34 have to work a part time job which ends up really being more than part time. It gets my energy. My spouse and home does not. All my husband's personal dreams are squashed because of my disease. He has moved pass the stage of us not having kids because I physically can't keep up, but his other personal dreams are becoming non-existent and he is trying to work through them. But yesterday on my birthday he got frustrated because their is no order in our home thanks to my limitations and in combination of everything he was just very withdrawn. Not that he didn't take me out shopping and dinner but we argued and I just wanted a carefree happy day. He loves me and this was not anything on purpose. This disease is just awful, and I have so much hatred for it! It ruins everything. I just want to be able to work a full time job, clean my house on a regular basis and really wanted to be a mother . But no, I'm childless , work a little more than part time, hurt 6/7 days a week practically and pretty much flare every 2 darn years! Something's gotta give! I wish lupus was a physically being so I could kick the snot out of it! Instead of celebrating my birthday I just wish I could have skipped the whole day! Why does it have to be so frustrating! He works so hard and all I can give is love and companionship. I have no extra spoons for the extras of life! It's just not fair!
thank you for the vent session. Maybe now I can sleep!

BonusMom
02-10-2013, 11:59 PM
So sorry your birthday was not what you had hoped.

Chronic illness is difficult and especially when you feel guilty about your limitations. Will your husband consider counseling so you can both discuss and work through your disappointments and frustrations?

I had my first flare just six months after our marriage, but was't diagnosed until three years later. I felt like I disappointed my husband tremendously, however, he wouldn't discuss my illness or his feelings.

When men withdraw women tend to take it personally. If you don't start discussing the elephant in the room, it's only going to drive a wedge further between you.

Happy (belated) Birthday!

steve.b
02-11-2013, 01:03 AM
happy belated birthday.

i understand the frustration.
my wife and i have recently seperated, as lupus has changed who i now am.

i also find women love to read the spoon theory........
but quite a few men do not understand it as women do.

i have added another letter that might help
http://forum.wehavelupus.com/showthread.php?11692-The-Open-Letter-To-Those-Without-CFS-Fibro-…

i have found that "real men" those that prefer to find there animal side, have trouble understanding the spoon theory.
they say it is nice, but they do not "understand"........
for those type of people..... and i am one of them ...... the second letter may be more appropriate.

may this birthday be the start of something wonderful.
an understanding that will last way past next years birthday !!!!!!
may it start the spark to a new understanding.

Nonna
02-11-2013, 04:15 AM
Does your state lupus group offer any local support groups? I have seen husbands coming to our meetings to be more understanding. Another question for you would be how necessary is your part/full time job. I had two children, no job and could not maintain a home. Of course, my ex was also a wanderer. Steve's additional letter was also written by a guy so that might help.

Another thought for you is that men have to fix what is broken and if they can't fix it they get very frustrated; counseling is a very good option. Try your best, but if things don't work out, remember people do change as they get older and sometimes it's not for the better. I guess I'm trying to say that the end of my marriage turned out to be for the better; but I'm not everyone.

We all seem to go through this point in our relationships. I wish that I could make it better for you. But there is a plan out there for your life, whether it be God's or fate. You just have to think about the steps forward and accept the steps backward as part of the forward flow.

May next year's birthday find you happier and more relaxed; Happy belated Birthday my friend.

ButterflyRN
02-11-2013, 07:42 PM
Thanks everyone! We are discussing me getting more involved with the support group as the one in my area is poorly led and I personally work with the woman who so called is to run it. I'm think of taking it over possible when I get back on track! There's no issue with dealing with the elephant in the room. He just has to work through it and get to the acceptance phase. I have no concerns of any relationship woes between us as we have a strong marriage it just happened to be an emotional filled day! I'm going on 25 years with this disease it's just been the last 9 that have been in and out of flares. We are much better today than yesterday. I know once be can accept this is life then things will fall into place! Yesterday was just rough! Thanks all for your kind words and birthday wishes. I really just needed to vent after an emotionally charged day!!

ButterflyRN
02-11-2013, 07:45 PM
Oh and we are well educated on the spoon theory :)