View Full Version : Lupus is breaking my relationship.

01-21-2013, 02:44 PM
Quick intro for those of you who don't know...I'm a 26 year old woman from the UK, been travelling with my partner Victoria around Australia for 2 years and now we're having a bit of a catchup in New Zealand (ie: staying in one place, saving money, trying to get on top of my health etc)

A couple of nights ago we were discussing how our relationship has changed as my lupus has got worse. I said I feel as though she doesn't love me anymore seeing as I'm not the person she started dating all that time ago...and she had to admit that I have changed and so have her feelings. It's heartbreaking but I can understand..we're supposed to be travelling the world having the time of our lives but we're not..every time things start going ok Lupus will stick it's oar in and cause complications, usually costing a lot of money and meaning lots of canceled plans. Or relationship has become more service user and carer than young women in love.

Its not what I want for her. We're seeing how it goes but I have a feeling I'll be packing my bags and heading back to England soon and calling it a day between the two of us. I can't imagine her living with this for the rest of her life, it's clearly not what she wants for herself, it's not where she saw her life going. And who can blame her. If we had the opportunity to walk away from lupus and all of the crap that goes with it we would, wouldn't we?

She's done so much for me, she's been incredible in that respect and helped me see and do things I've never done before...but I just don't think she loves me anymore. I suppose time will tell...since the chat she's been much more loving. Perhaps we just need to try being partners again? I don't know. I'm just trying as hard as possible to be the me she fell in love with to show her I'm still here!

Sorry for the whinge, just needed to say it to people that understand the effect lupus has on relationships.

01-21-2013, 03:17 PM
With or without lupus relationships are ever evolving.
I have been married 17 yrs and believe me my wife and I have changed a great deal since we first met.
In many ways our relationship is much stronger now that it has been at different times over the years.

I am 51 and my wife is 41 and I always thought in the back of my mind that this age difference would
eventually cause problems but low and behold lupus reared its ugly head and brought its own issues forcing
life changes sooner rather than later.

So far she has been absolutely wonderfull and understanding although I know at times she is disappointed
when plans have to be changed due to my illness.

Try to remember that your partner can be upset with the circumstance but not blame you.

01-21-2013, 03:45 PM
My heart hurts for you. Sadly this is not an uncommon thing. Chronic illness either brings people closer together or it tears them apart. Your story is one that has been been discussed countless times although it doesn't make it hurt any less. I wish I had some magic words that would make things feel better but all I have for you is that I am here if you need to talk, publiclly or privately. You will get through it and be better on the other side no matter which way it ends up.

01-22-2013, 12:34 AM
i am sorry this is happenning to you.
i was with my wife for 6 years before we married,
and another 12 after we married......
we also had first met when we were teenagers, then she went her way......
4 kids later we got back together.

i thought that was a recipe for a perfect marriage, but lupus had other plans.
I too am far from the person my partner fell in love with.
unfortunatelly for us, we seperated. but we are still social friends.
we decided to call it quits, before our relationship became too strained.

so i do understand your issues....
unfortunatelly there is no answer.
some people will adjust to each other.....
others will seperate.

i wish with all my heart that the 2 of you can find some middle ground.

01-24-2013, 09:02 PM
Thank you all for your replies- I've just not really been in a place to respond at the minute. Hearing other peoples stories is heartbreaking - steve, I read your blog.
I hate saying these words, but it is so unfair.

01-26-2013, 02:24 PM
Warm (((hug))), friendly (((hug))), gentle (((hug))) hugs there Shine. Don't sell yourself short, either though, hear, 'K??

01-27-2013, 06:00 PM
This is terrible:( Last time I checked, you're supposed to love people for who they are, no matter what.

It breaks my heart to see that people don't abide by this.

01-28-2013, 12:11 AM
Sometimes it's easier said than done though. I know she loves me in some way..it's not like its just switched off. We're working through it anyway. She's struggling with the changes to me and our relationship - it really is understandable because i'm struggling with them too. We're young, you don't expect to have to deal with this. think talking is helping. Still feeling bruised but going ok.