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View Full Version : I just want to rant sorry



leaann
06-02-2012, 11:15 AM
Sometimes I really want to give up, But I know it is not a choice. It seems any more that I can't make some people in my family happy no matter what I do for them. My mom has severe medical problems, she has stage 3 kidney failure, and this week her cousin shot and killed his son. So I have to deal with that which I don't mind I love my mom to death, the point here is I wish that my husband would understand what I go through sometimes. I mean it is hard enough being diagnosed with lupus last august and all this with my family. I mean heck I was separated from my husband for almost 6 months at the end of the year. last year. We just got back together at the end of Feb. The separation was not my fault and I did not want it and it hit me out of the blue. I know the next thing I say will sound crazy, my husband left me for the following reasons, one he says was I would clean the house, and 2 he was running around with other women and yes when I say other women I mean more than one.

I know it all sounds crazy, but since we got back together I thought that he was doing good.Until today when he made the commit that if I didn't clean the house he was going to leave again. If I clean the damn house any more I am not going to have any house to clean cause I am going to scrub it all away. I feel there is no pleasing him. I often wonder if I got back with him because I can't work and my disability has kicked in yet. I mean I love the man but I hate what he has done. When we got married about 5 months after we were married my 6 year old son died. That in its self has been a rough road. I said something about it to him today and he told me I needed to get over the fact that he was gone. I was so mad that I told him he could leave and I didn't care if he ever came back, he just went and laid down and took a nap. sorry but WTH we are fighting and you go to sleep.

I have very few friends that live near me anymore.So there's not to many people that I can talk to. I did how ever get to see one of my friends today, I told her that she must think I am crazy for all that he has put me through and for me to still be with him. When I married him he was great, and I have other children none of them are with him. But it seems like when the kids got grown that things changed.

I just found out 2 weeks ago that my lupus was in remission with the treatment that we are on but it took a lot to get me there. I am so afraid that it is going to come back worse than it was. The stress that was on me when my husband first left put my lupus in high gear, but then when it all calmed down I started to get better. I don't want this to effect my lupus but I feel it will.

Maybe I am taking this all the wrong way and maybe he was just having a bad day, but I have had bad years with him and I don't think that I can take anymore. My kids say they will beat him up if he puts me through anything again. I feel like I have no place to go, I can't work so what am I to do, stay where I feel will always be a problem or run like hell. I know that he loves me to some point, but I just cant help but feel that not all this is my fault.

Maybe if I just went a stayed at my daughters house for a couple of days I would feel better and things would ease off.

Right now I just want to cry and run away but I know that want solve anything.
Am I crazy for staying with someone who has admitted to cheating on me more than a dozen times. and yes before you ask I have been checked and I don't have any std's that was my first concern in this crazy matter.

I just want to scream

Manderson
06-02-2012, 11:23 AM
Rock meet hard place **hugs leaann**

I understand for financials, it's practical to stay with him and yep, you can convince yourself that he loves you just enough, but is that worth it? I don't have any answers, but maybe getting away for a breather will be good for both of you.

Hunniebun
06-02-2012, 03:36 PM
You are not crazy. Its very hard to change from something you are so used to, and to let go of someone you loved for a long time, even when they have hurt you.
The hardest thing to do is to put YOU first, before anyone else. If he has admitted to cheating, orders you to clean the house, doesn't listen and just keeps treating you badly, then you need to weigh the pros and cons and go with the side that has the longer list.
It is NOT easy at all, but I have been there and I know what it feels like.

Mica
06-02-2012, 03:44 PM
Man i'm sorry your going through all that. I don't really have any advice about your husband but I can offer support. I understand mothers never get over a lost child and i'm sorry that he doesn't see that. Sometimes love isn't enough to keep a marriage together. I really hope things start to look up for you and your more than welcome to vent on here.

leaann
06-02-2012, 04:52 PM
Thanks everyone, I know I am between a rock and hard place, there are some days when he seems to be good as gold and he is in therapy which I think is helping, he is home more and tells me everywhere he goes. I don't understand his need to tell me every little thing that happen when he was with these other people he was with, that part is the part I have the hardest with, the one he moved in with when he left was one of my friends, a lady I use to keep her kids and do things for because one of her kids was handicapped. She even went on vacation with us. I was there for her when her mother passed away. My husband and I have been doing a lot of talking and I knew going back into this that it was going to be hard. I knew one of the problems he had when he left was the fact that I had lupus but when he was gone he did research and find out a lot about it. I am doing solu medrol injections and mtx injections and taking plaquenil and it is hard on me even though I am doing better. I had to go on depression medication when he left and he doesn't understand that. I just don't know if I can get over some of the things that he has told me that he has done. But he knows that if I can live with what happen, then he understands if I leave. At least if I leave I will have my son with me who is 22 and he was the one who took care of me when my husband left. I just don't feel like my kids should have to do that, it is their time in life to start there lives not see about their mom. I have been with my husband almost 18 years. It is very hard to make a decision. If I go back to having bad flares then I am going to do benylista and I don't really want to do that, plus we pay for all my medical that I can't afford it on my own.

steve.b
06-02-2012, 10:03 PM
most of us have problems with stress.
if your lupus is in remission, do not let stress bring it back.



only you can decide what is right........
but please consider what is best for you.

magistramarla
06-03-2012, 03:57 PM
HUGS!
We're here for you.

leaann
06-03-2012, 04:05 PM
Steve, it's going to be hard to keep the stress down my mom just went in the hospital, But I am trying. Thanks