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Hunniebun
06-01-2012, 10:57 AM
I know I have talked about this before, but I need opinions from you guys if you don't mind.

I have had my license for about 7-8 years now and I own a car. My insurance is high, car payments are high, and gas is high, so being able to drive at all is a privilege these days it seems, to me.
I have 3 other siblings, my 2 brothers drive, they are 26 and 22, and my younger sister doesn't at all, and she's 24. She says she is working on getting her license every time someone asks her about it and then gets angry (she's been working on getting her license for 3 years, how long does it take to read a damned book).

I moved out of her place 2 months ago to live on my own because I was going nuts living with her and dealing with her baggage and her friends crap. I really enjoy being on my own again, its been wonderful so far.

She takes the bus to work or walks every day because she doesn't drive and she has no choice. She used to ask for rides when she woke up late, or it was snowing or raining or even when she didn't "feel like" taking the bus or to walk, she'd want a ride.
I am a person who is very scared of someone elses anger and I used to do anything to avoid it, so I'd give in and give her rides as much as I didn't want to.

She barely asks these days but when she does, I still don't want to, and what happens is she lays out a guilt trap and says crap like "You should do something nice for me sometimes" or "It'd be nice if you did this so I didn't have to rush for once" etc etc.
I don't even like driving MYSELF around but I did it because it makes life much easier and I can't walk for more than an hour.

Now am I just wondering, why is ANY of those reasons my problem? Do I HAVE to give her rides just because I am her sister and I "should" be nice to her? She has helped me a lot in the past and I have repaid her for those times and there are ones where she says I don't need to repay her at all, but then she throws in the stupid you should be nice to me crap and it makes me feel like I am a bad person for not wanting to cart her ass around, Oh and then WAIT for her at wherever it is she needs to go. I've have waited as long as 2 hours and didn't say anything, because I knew if I did, she'd just blow up with anger.
Now its not just her I say no to, I don't like giving anyone rides who don't drive themselves, I figure that is what the bus and your legs are for, or else get your license.

What do you think? Should she stop asking me for rides and just take the bus or walk? I am so annoyed that she does not drive yet, and it makes me even more angry when she lays out those guilt traps...GRRRR what do I do? Any thoughts??

I don't know why I even care that she's mad at me, but I do, because I don't want her angry at me over stupid things. I should be able to say no and not give a crap what she thinks about that but I always do.

Hunniebun
06-01-2012, 11:03 AM
She just texted me again, she goes on and on with her guilt traps!

"Well I got here early, after my appointment I guess I will buy Mcdonalds since I didn't have time to make a lunch, and then I guess I will walk to work in this rain"

JUST SHUT UP ALREADY!!! Who's fault is it that you didn't wake up early enough to have time to ride the bus and make your lunch? YOURS!!!
What is it with people!

Samo
06-01-2012, 12:53 PM
Hunniebun,

After reading both of your entries I feel as though you already know what the answer to your dilemma is. If you do not want to give her rides, because from your post it seems to be a source of angst, then simply don't (I realize this is easier said than done, particularly because she is your sister). One way to look at it as that by not giving her rides, unless it is an emergency (think life and limb here), you are being nice to her because it serves as encouragement for her to work on getting her license.

In my experience, guilt (and in some cases anger) is something people use to manipulate others, it is that simple. I say this because I had a similar situation with my brother, he lost his license and suddenly I was sucked into driving him everywhere...I finally said he needed to start calling his questionable, I mean "dependable friends". It was hard to do but the weight it lifted off me was well worth it. Hope this helps you out.

Hunniebun
06-01-2012, 01:10 PM
Thank you Samo,

I already know that I don't want to drive her around, anywhere, especially waiting around for her. I offer sometimes when I need to go somewhere if she needs to come along too for something, but I expect it to be on my terms. What happens when I say no is she gets all angry like a child and she stays angry for quite a while until it passes, and it drives me crazy.
She has anxiety about driving she says, and yeah I get that, but it doesn't mean she can keep using me, she has the bus and her legs, they will help her anxiety.

I just wanted to know if I am a bad person for no longer wanting to drive her anywhere...And how others go about this. If I don't take her she uses her friends, and she also keeps my ex boyfriend around because he will take her places I won't too, its just disgusting.

SleepyInSeattle
06-01-2012, 01:57 PM
Try expressing confidence that she's an adult and will figure this stuff out, like all capable adults do. You will give her a ride when it fits in with what YOU need to do. She is responsible for her own transportation, just as you are for yours. When you can help each other out, great - but that's a privilege, not an obligation!!!!

An ADULT will not throw a manipulative tantrum when somebody doesn't make up for their lack of responsibility. They are simply grateful on the (hopefully rare) occasion when somebody offers to help them out of a bind. End of story.

Sounds like she has some growing up to do. If you can stay calm and consistent and be polite but firm, you will do nothing but help her. You can't control her reactions, but you CAN control YOUR actions.

Best of luck...family can be so hard!!!! :-P

Mica
06-01-2012, 02:13 PM
Just let her suffer, I have a sister like this and have never taken her crap like that. I have found she just gets over it eventually so I just let her be angry at me and just stopped caring about her anger and guilt. Soon your just going to have to accept your sister is always going to be like that and not let it get to you. Sorry if it sounds mean but my stress level and anger decreased drastically when I finally just let it all go, I still love her but I have accepted the way she is and have not allowed it to get to me anymore. You are not a bad person don't you forget that too. Unless she paid you for rides I wouldn't cart her adult butt around when she can do what every other perfectly healthy YOUNG adult does. She is never going to understand how hard driving is on you and is always going to take advantage of you and screw with your emotions. It's not healthy to let it hurt you, she is still your sister and your always going to love her but it can be tough love. It's going to take a while before you can just how I say let it go but it will be better for you in the long run. Like hunniebun said only like emergencies. You are not her chauffeur, your her sister and being sisters does not mean you have to cater to her every whim. I understand what your going through and I hope things get better for you, instead of manipulation through guilt my twin sister likes to use my lupus against me.

rob
06-01-2012, 02:16 PM
Hi Hunniebun,

You mentioned that your sister feels anxiety about driving. That's understandable, but it's no excuse for not getting a driver's licence.

In my younger days, despite the fact that I initially had a real anxiety about flying in an aircraft with no propeller or engine, and despite the fact that I suffered from bouts of airsickness, I flew my first solo flight in a glider at the ripe old age of 14, and I earned my pilot's licence so I could take a passenger with me at 16. Why did I get my licence? I got it, because I wanted it.

The impression I get in regards to your sister, is that she doesn't really want to get her driver's licence, despite what she may say to the contrary. If she really wanted it, she'd already have it. Be it from anxiety, or from the fact that having others drive you around can be very convenient, it does not appear that she want's to get her licence.

Maybe a different tact would work. Try talking to her about how being able to drive will give her much more freedom, and empower her to control more of her own life. If she truly is anxious about driving, then the best cure is to learn how to drive. Make her feel like she's taking charge of this aspect of her life.

Of course, if that doesn't work, you may have to just lay down the law, and tell her no more rides until she signs up for a driver's education course, and then, the only rides from you will be to and from the driver's ed course. Getting tough with a sibling, or any family member, is hard to do, but sometimes it's the only way.

Rob

rob
06-01-2012, 02:37 PM
She just texted me again, she goes on and on with her guilt traps!

"Well I got here early, after my appointment I guess I will buy Mcdonalds since I didn't have time to make a lunch, and then I guess I will walk to work in this rain"

Tell her she should be thankful.

Walking to work is the perfect way to burn off all the calories she'll get from eating a Big Mac, and since
you already know that she's not made of sugar, there's no chance she'll melt in the rain...

Hunniebun
06-01-2012, 03:05 PM
Thank you SO much for your replies, all of you.


My family is one big pile of severe DYSFUNCTION. I have been working on myself and getting help for all of this for a couple of years now, and I have changed a lot and found that my family members won't, and don't like change. Whenever I make a decision for myself, I get scorned.

I had major anxiety learning to drive myself, but I beat it and I LEARNED. My dad was hard on me and I knew the only way I could get places besides the bus was to learn. I saved up and bought my first crappy car, and I paid for my driving lessons. She hasn't even taken the Learners test even once just to try it. She lied and said she did and failed, but I know its not true, she's never gone. The only times I ever ask someone for a ride is when I have no idea where I am going or when I am going for a Plaquenil eye test and can't see afterwards, I can't even see the numbers on the buses or read their schedules. I have severe social anxiety too, but I battle that every day when I go out and walk dogs, I have to talk to the seniors in the home because they always talk to me each time they see me.

"The impression I get in regards to your sister, is that she doesn't really want to get her driver's licence, despite what she may say to the contrary. If she really wanted it, she'd already have it. Be it from anxiety, or from the fact that having others drive you around can be very convenient, it does not appear that she want's to get her licence."

This is EXACTLY what I think, exactly. She lies, she lies all the time, almost about everything, to try to make things better for her and to get things going her way. She also pretends she is doing something to try to make someone happy or to try to get them to believe she really is trying. Trying to read a Learners manual doesn't take 3 years to complete. My ex boyfriend takes her all over and her current roommate has a car so she uses him too, or anyone else she knows who has a car, so she can go places. She's barely ever paid me for gas. I'd have her pay me every single time she's in my car if I could, because gas is so precious, that $10 for going out of the city isn't enough to fill my tank back up.
I have tried talking to her about how a car will give her more freedom and she can take care of herself but she always see's me as the "mean" older sister, its gets SO complicated...Nothing is ever easy with her, NOTHING. She always thinks everyone is attacking her and when nobody wants to help her out she thinks we all hate her and don't care about her and its just AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(That's what I do inside my head, I scream). Honestly when her excuses for wanting a ride are because she "doesn't feel like" doing something, I want to punch her in the face.
I don't feel like having a couple autoimmune disease, but what's my reality!? Yeah that's right, no choice.

I also don't want to give her rides because honestly I don't like her much, she is a royal pain in the ass and forgive my language, a real bee-otch.
She uses guilt on everyone, all the time, she uses her guilt and her anger. She's been seeing a counselor for almost 10 years and she has barely made ANY progress, she's still the same.
I have been told by a friend of the family that I push her too much. No I don't...I want her off my back and to freaking grow up and leave me alone.

Our issues stem way back from when we were kids, and I've tried really hard to get over the stuff she's done and continues to do by letting go, but I always find myself wanting to defend myself when she makes allegations or insults me.
I am also one that when I say no to someone, I want them to know why I say no, not just a plain out no, but in her case, from now on I have to try really hard to just say no, and say nothing further and ignore her if she starts freaking out.

*breathes* I don't want to have to remove her from my life like I did my mother, but its slowly leading to that.

steve.b
06-02-2012, 06:17 AM
you love your sister.
but it is not your job to be her slave.

offer sisterly love and say no.

i wish you well
i know it is not easy.

running girl
06-02-2012, 07:42 AM
Are there no taxi cabs where she lives? Deciding not to drive or own a car is a personal one. It is expensive to own a car, but relatively cheap to take the odd cab ride when necessary. She has other options available to her.

Sounds to me like you two need to spend some time having fun together. Instead of visits being obligatory maybe you want to call her and ask her to go for coffee. Or if you're going shopping you could invite her along. Try to lighten up your relationship. Good luck.

It sounds like your sister needs some time to mature. Try to focus on the positive things you share with her and perhaps this will help.

Hugs to you,
Brenda

Hunniebun
06-02-2012, 03:26 PM
Yeah there are taxi's and there are buses everywhere. 2 buses are right in front of her apartment building, 2 in front of her job, 2 near the dentist, they are everywhere. The really ridiculous part was her job and her dentist are maybe a 15-20 minute walk down the road, a healthy person won't get sick doing that. She is just lazy, selfish, and she doesn't want to drive, pay for a car or pay for gas or insurance, she thinks she can't afford it which is not true at all as she works and has saved a lot of money. She isn't going to get her learners permit, she just keeps saying she is working on it to get us to think she's going to do it, but actually nobody believes her.

She even texted our dad and left him this huge message complaining about me not driving her and how mean I am and he didn't even want to read it, he was so annoyed he just skimmed it and told her she needs to find her own way for things and not try to get me to do it just because I have a car. We talked later about it and yes, she needs to grow up and find her own way for things, she's 24 for crying out loud. It made me feel better to hear from him that its not me who is the problem, its her.
It just bugs me so much because SHE is ruining our relationship, not me. Its really hard to want to actually be around her because of how she treats me or anyone else. I have offered her rides to wherever I am going in case she needs anything and things like that, but otherwise I will no do anything on a whim and I will not cart her somewhere and wait for her, those days are over.

Honestly, there are very few positive things about her, she is a lot like my mentally ill and abusive mother and that really, really saddens me.

Samo
06-02-2012, 07:02 PM
Hunniebun,

No, you are NOT a bad person for not wanting to drive your sister around. Like most of the responses have pointed out your sister is an adult. She is responsible for her decision to not get a license. If she truly has anxiety about driving then she take the bus, walk, or work on getting over her driving anxiety and eventually get her license.
You have to look out for your well being, particularly because of your health issues, that does not make you a bad person.

She is your sister and you love her but that is no reason to continue to subject yourself to her guilt trips and anger temper tantrums. Good luck and stay strong in your resolve.

Hunniebun
06-11-2012, 02:27 PM
Thanks so much to all of you guys for your replies. She actually apologized to me on her own and it felt good to hear that. I know it will happen again but she definitely needed to apologize.

I will stick to my guns even tougher from now on.

rob
06-11-2012, 07:19 PM
Thanks so much to all of you guys for your replies. She actually apologized to me on her own and it felt good to hear that. I know it will happen again but she definitely needed to apologize.

I will stick to my guns even tougher from now on.

That sounds like progress. Just remember that sometimes an apology is simply a way of greasing the rails for the next set of demands. A way to get you to lower your guard.

If she's sincere, then that's a good thing. However, at this point, as you said, you should still stick to your guns, and don't waiver.

Just remember, you're not a bad person, not by a longshot. And, you did not create this situation.

Rob

ruziska
06-12-2012, 10:10 AM
Ahh guilt trips. My daughter has tried that way too many times. Customers try that. Guilt is a powerful tool. I've discovered the world's most wonderful anti guilt mantra: " a lack of planning on your part does NOT constitute an emergency on mine." I love that phrase!! Due to the nature of my job, I get a lot of phone calls from people who fit that PERFECTLY. Guilt, I will admit is powerful. But you are strong! and you are stronger than the guilt! You have to take care of yourself and you have to do what is best for YOU. If you don't take care of yourself, you can't take care of anyone else. It isn't your fault your sister doesn't have her license. Again, a lack of planning... she sounds very manipulative and has gotten away with it for years. BE STRONG! If her feelings get hurt, well, that's HER problem! Don't make it yours. Boundaries. Set boundaries. Set them and stick to them. Tell her you expect her to treat you the way she wants you to be treated and leave it at that. Don't back down. Be strong! Hugs and good luck!

leaann
06-13-2012, 10:06 AM
Hello.
I feel the need to way in on this, because I have a son who is almost 22 years old and he will not get his license for anything, he lives at home and I have to drive him everywhere. He does have a permit and has had it since he was 16 years old But 6 years is a long time to have a permit. I wonder if your sister is afraid of driving. I mean my son says that since he watched his dad not be able to drive because of stupid stuff he did when he was 18 that my son doesn't want to make the same mistakes. Have you ever ask her what could be stopping her from driving, I mean it is just a thought. It can be aggravating, there are times when I don't want to drive him simply because Of my lupus and it is really upsetting if there is an emergency and he has to drive me some where cause his driving scares the hell out of me. Hope you figure this out.

Hunniebun
06-13-2012, 08:27 PM
She is afraid, but that doesn't matter because of the way she treats me. If she didn't act like such a bitch, I would see her side of things more but I won't or I will continue to get walked on.
The best way for her to get over it is to face her fears, or be very thankful IF she gets a ride from me.
I was afraid too when I first started, but I realized that if I wanted to get to places the buses don't take me then this is what I need to do. The only accident she's ever been in was when she was going to the hospital in an ambulance (no sirens, normal driving) and it was rear ended by someone. She was fully protected in the back but she is putting all her fears on that it seems, she's very dramatic.
She is also a backseat driver, she loves to tell you how to drive, so its very hard to understand her side, makes me pretty much not care.
Her second excuse is that she has severe test anxiety and the idea of failing the test to get her learners permit really scares her, and nobody can get her to understand that it is NOT a big deal if she fails, because she can try again.

I have anxiety myself, but these excuses just annoy me instead of feeling for her.

magistramarla
06-14-2012, 09:36 PM
Wow, a kid who doesn't want a driver's license is sort of tough for me to understand. I was driving a tractor at the age of 9, the car at 13 and combines in the wheat fields at 15.
All five of my kids got their licenses on the day that they turned 16. With the older ones, I made use of them - "Here's the spare car, now you drop your brother off at middle school while I take the two younger girls to elementary school, then get yourself and your sister to high school and don't be late!"
If they didn't pitch in and help out, they didn't get car privileges.
All of my kids also LOVED cars and trucks, too. Our driveway looked like a used car lot for a while, and boy, did we pay a lot to the insurance company!
My son had this bad habit of wrecking or ruining cars and getting speeding tickets. It's going to be fun watching him deal with is own kids one day!
Hugs,
Marla

Hunniebun
06-21-2012, 10:25 AM
Well here's a shocker,

Monday morning she wanted me to drop her off at the DMV while I went to walk the old mans dog, so I did. She took the test and got her learners permit! She FINALLY has her license and she is taking her first driving lesson from a professional school tonight.
I am proud of her, I knew she could do it, and most of all, NO MORE bitching at me for rides, she's on her own now! THANK YOU!!!

Reality must have really hit her hard when we fought the last time, and she FINALLY understood she has to take matters into her own hands.

rob
06-21-2012, 10:46 AM
Well here's a shocker,

Monday morning she wanted me to drop her off at the DMV while I went to walk the old mans dog, so I did. She took the test and got her learners permit! She FINALLY has her license and she is taking her first driving lesson from a professional school tonight.
I am proud of her, I knew she could do it, and most of all, NO MORE bitching at me for rides, she's on her own now! THANK YOU!!!

Reality must have really hit her hard when we fought the last time, and she FINALLY understood she has to take matters into her own hands.

That's great news! You should be proud of yourself as well. You stood your ground, and didn't blink. Good for both of you!

Rob

LenaT14
06-21-2012, 11:24 PM
Wow this is a subject I can relate to in soooo many ways! 1st I have my own insurance agency so on the liability aspect, everytime you go out to drive her or anyone else and you dont feel well your chances for being in an accident is higher statistically speaking.
2nd I have pain in the butt manipulating family members and over the years ive learned to love them from a distance because I have to look out for my health and well being as my #1 priority because they dont. It sounds sad but its the truth and in the long run, you are actually enabling them as long as you keep agreeing with those bad behaviors! It hurts like hell to know that the people who are supposed to have your back can hurt you the worst, but its true. Ive been asked to lend money soo many times that I lost count and I was a single mom who busted my butt for everything I had!
Best of luck and try to put yourself 1st and not let anyone guilt you too badly!
:)