View Full Version : Lupus...a genuine thank you for slowing me down.

05-11-2012, 06:39 AM
I just want to share this with you, it's not often I'm this positive:

I have spent a lot of time recently getting annoyed at how slow I am. It takes an age to climb the stairs, I waddle down the street, I have to ask my partner to slow down so I can keep up, I have to set off ridiculously early for everything so a) I get there in time and b) I'm not a redfaced, breathless, sweaty flustered mess when I get there. I'm 25 and I've been overtaken in the street by elderly ladies. I get frustrated that I can't get anywhere fast, whether I need to or not, I've always been a fast walker.

But during the past few days something weird happened. I gave in. I sighed a huge sigh and I accepted that I cannot walk as fast as I used to. So I just took it steady. One step at a time...

I looked in shop windows at the colours of the autumn clothes. I gazed up to the tall buildings and marvelled at the architecture. I watched leaves dance through the air as they fell from trees. I saw people laugh. I saw people smile. I saw a couple greet eachother with a kiss. I felt the breeze gently brush my hair away from my face. I noticed a statue I'd never seen before in a street I've walked over and over. I saw a side-street that I'd never given the time to draw my attention, but that day I walked down it. Yes it meant adding 200metres to my journey home, but it was ok because I was taking it easy. I was rewarded with the smell of chinese food, sparkly clothes hung in windows, a sweet shop painted in purple and gold and a man playing classical guitar.

Since I stopped trying to walk so fast I've stopped getting so frustrated with myself. I accept the pace I can manage each day and I enjoy the greater amount of time I have to absorb my surroundings. I don't rush by any of these beautiful things anymore. I notice them.

So yes, I am slow. Yes, I have to set off super early to get anywhere. Yes, it still hurts when I walk and it tires me out...but at least I've discovered something that makes me smile.

05-11-2012, 08:04 PM
this is what makes us smile.

enjoy the moment.....
dont worry about the extra time it takes.

reset your values and enjoy life.

i am glad you have seen it now.

as saysuzie says.............
look for the good

enjoy your new outlook and your partner will enjoy you.

05-12-2012, 08:27 AM
You have an awesome attitude :)

05-12-2012, 09:24 AM
That was actually a beautiful story and such a wonderful reminder for us to find and see the good in everything! Thank you for sharing that with us.

Peace and Blessings

05-12-2012, 02:46 PM
AWe this just made me smile, it's good to see you looking at the good in the bad.

05-12-2012, 02:46 PM
Also i love how below my name it says "house cat" and my picture is of a cat. just thought it was funny

05-12-2012, 03:10 PM
This is a great thing, the way you are looking at it.

It's funny - since I lost my hearing in one ear almost 3 weeks ago and am now starting Mtx, I have had a lot of fear and anxiety. i am on 60mg of prednisone and LOST almost 14lbs in 19 days....tells you how stressed I have been. It's not just the ear/autoimmune diseases ramping up - there was also a bunch of external stuff with the house, with work, with extended family, etc. Nothing truly tragic - but just a whole lot on my plate.

But I feel like I have walked through a little bit of fire. My husband looks at me with a touch of awe....keeps saying he doesn't know how I can keep doing what I am doing, and not fall apart. I certainly FEEL like I am coming apart at the seams...but I guess I don't show it. I'm not trying to shut it out or be in denial...I guess I just feel like I don't have much choice...what am I going to do, curl into a ball and sit on the closet floor all day? That's not really an option. I don't know what ELSE to do, except live my life the only way I know how, the best I can with whatever limitations - new and old - I have.

But in the last few weeks, in some ways that are really GOOD - I have lost all patience.

Not with people, or with myself. Quite the opposite - I no longer have any patience for things that make me annoyed or unhappy, whether they are objects that don't work right, habits that are bad, or obligations that make me squirm. I am jettisoning so much CRAP I have carried around for way too long. AND IT FEELS LIKE SUCH AN INCREDIBLE BLESSING - it's a maturing that I don't know would have happened without this disease to deal with. Life sent me the teacher I needed, and I guess I am grateful. I am trying to get to a place where I would not give it up, because I have learned something so valuable form it that the suffering is worth it. I feel like it's up to me to do that. It's my project.

Examples of what I mean - our mattress has been hurting me and needed replacing for probably three years. I HATE spending money on stuff like that, and before this happened I would have spent DAYS shopping around, worrying about price, worrying about the difficult delivery process (our house is up 3 flights of stairs and has some difficult corners in it), etc etc etc...instead, last weekend I just went to ONE store, bought the BEST bed we could afford, and had it delivered (I tipped the guys well!). DONE.

Our kitchen is out of control - way too much crap in there - food past it's expiration date, broken containers, hand-me-down mis-matched pots and pans - too many of them. General clutter. I went through and got rid of 2/3 of the crap in the kitchen - donated it to charity (not the old food, LOL - that got composted). Now the kitchen is neat and organized and easy to use and keep clean.

I got rid of 1/2 of my clothes - also just CLUTTER. My bedroom is now a sanctuary.

I said no to a couple of volunteer demands I had been shoehorned into. And I did it WITHOUT GUILT. I barely have time ad energy in my life for the things that I LOVE - I am NOT going to spend energy doing stuff that people "salesman" me into. I figure all the stuff I am donating to Goodwill can help balance out my cutting back on volunteer obligations.

My life is feeling better....even as my body gets sicker. It is a crappy trade-off...but I guess it's not all bad.

05-12-2012, 04:18 PM
I have never looked at it that way.
You are right, slowing down can be good for the soul.


05-12-2012, 08:22 PM
Shine and Sleepy,
Both of you are right. It is a gift to slow down and appreciate the world around us.