View Full Version : Boyfriend's Son is a Nightmare
03-19-2012, 10:55 AM
I feel so down today. My boyfriend's son just got on probation and he has already broken it. He refuses to go to school, even though the probation officer has made it a part of his probation that he has to go to school, unless he is sick and he isn't sick. He is so angry and I can understand that as his mother legally abandoned him and he has no choice in the matter of which parent he wished to live with. What makes it so horrible though is that he takes it out on us. He won't talk to us or communicate and stays in his room all the time, except the weekends when he goes to his friend's house without permission , again another violation as he has to be at home by 9 pm 7 days a week. I don't know what is going to happen to him as he is on his way to juvenile jail. I don't know how many times the probation department will allow him to violate the terms of his probation before they incarcerate him. I am about ready to leave this situation and would if I had enough income to live on my own. But with the lupus, fibromyalgia and my age, I just can't work full time anymore. Don't even know if I could keep a part/time job? I just don't know what to do. At the moment, it takes the two of our incomes to keep this place going. Another problem is that his son's mother won't pay child support and we don't know where she is. We think she went to Sweden, but don't know for sure. Please pray for me.
03-19-2012, 03:11 PM
Oh my, that's tough stuff. The stress can not be good for you. Do you see a counselor? That may help you understand what you can reasonably do for him. It must be so hard for all of you.
I know that the step-mom role can illicit a lot of resentment. It can be a very difficult position to be in.
Yes, I'll keep you in my thoughts.
03-19-2012, 07:37 PM
It sure is difficult to be the girlfriend. I really don't consider myself the stepmom. I try not to butt in, but sometimes it's really difficult not too. My daughter is a counselor and she gives me good advice, and my former sister-in-law is too. The social worker was coming for awhile, but she really wasn't any help because she always blamed us and it is the boy that has the problem and he refuses to change his attitude. Also, the social worker told my boyfriend to leave me and get a room with his son. The two of them together in one room is not a good idea. They would definitely get on each other's nerves. Also, she would end up breaking up a 10 year relationship between me and my boyfriend. In my opinion, the social worker overstepped her boundaries. There just doesn't seem to be a solution to this problem. If the boy goes somewhere else, we have to pay for his board and care and we can't afford it. I am retired and my boyfriend is currently on unemployment. If he gets a position welding again and makes the kind of money he was making before he got hurt on the job, then it's a different story. We could afford to house him elsewhere. I know that sounds awful, but no one understands what it is like to live like this and he is here in the house 24/7. That would get on anyone's nerves.
03-19-2012, 11:22 PM
i am a step dad to 3 boys, and 1 girl.
they are all now grown.
they have always been good kids, but the 3 boys all teenagers at the same time......
it was hard, and almost cost us our relationship.
they were good boys as i said.
i can sympethise.... but i still can only imagine your pain.
sorry but i have no other words of wisdom........ but i do have my shoulder!!!!!!!!
03-20-2012, 05:56 PM
Well last night we had to call the police. I don't know what the policewoman said to my boyfriend's son (something about respecting his father) but he actually got up, went to school and got enrolled. It's a first step!
03-20-2012, 07:33 PM
03-21-2012, 01:42 PM
I saw so many students just like him when I was teaching, it broke my heart! Some kids have to learn the hard way. I think that maybe the police officer gave him the low-down on what juvie hall is really like.
We did see a few kids turn around when their parents got very involved at school. Since he's not currently working, would your boyfriend be willing to go to school with his son for a week or so? We had a few parents who did this - went to every class with their kid, ate lunch with them and volunteered at the tutoring sessions after school. Some of them kept coming back to volunteer, and that seemed to start making a difference to their own kids and to the others that needed a helping hand.
The boy probably feels unloved and unwanted thanks to his Mom. Maybe his Dad could step in and show him that he values him and that he considers what he is doing at school to be very valuable.
Teens are really tough to deal with, but I really do love them!
Take care of yourself.
Hi. While I don't have kids of my own, I work with families that have similar problems each day. I work with a lot of kids going through the justice system and I can see the impact that this has on their families. One of the most common things I see though is children who are traumatised and how this has affected them as they grow up. While I don't know anything about the situation your partner's son has been through, I can only imagine the pressure that his behaviour has put on his dad and yourself. I dont know if this is helpful at all but trying to understand why he behaves the way he does can be a start. When the families I work with finally understood exactly why their child/children were behaving in that way and how best to deal with it, it went a long way to repairing the strain on the relationship. The most important part of ensuring that his behaviour doesn't put unnecessary strain on your relationship, taking time out for the two of you and making sure you have someone to talk to about how you feel.
If you want to contact me via private message, i'd be happy to pass on some information for you about ways you can deal with his behaviour.
Hope you get some relief soon!
03-22-2012, 01:19 PM
Marla, his Dad does what he can. But he is overwhelmed, trying to get him to school, waiting on him hand and foot, looking for work, and dealing with the bureaucratic issues his kid has generated, etc. that I don't think at this time he can do it. Besides he has some unresolved issues associated with school himself that he has a hard time dealing with. Thanks for your suggestions though. I am sure he will implement those that he can.
03-22-2012, 01:28 PM
Thanks Nat for your willingness to help. I must tell you that he has gone to school the last couple of days, but it is like pulling teeth to get him up and get him to the bus stop on time. I hope he gets in the routine and it gets easier through time. He is supposed to let us know what his homework is so that we can help him, but he refuses to talk to us so we can't help if he won't communicate. We contacted his probation officer's superior, only because we are at our wits end with the disrespect he shows toward his father and this household, including the way he treats me. Don't know if things will get better, or not for now.
03-23-2012, 12:55 PM
Hello, I have only been lurking here, but I read your post and felt the need to reply, as I can see, feel and understand the pain of your situation. I too have a stepson (I am married to his father) that is soon to be 17 and acts exactly like the child you are describing. His mother isn't absent but dropped him off at his fathers several years ago and handed over custody because she no longer wanted to deal with him, they see or speak very little of each other.
He has been in Juvenile Jail more times than I can count for what I consider just being stupid. He has cost us a small fortune in court cost and Juvelie detention fees. He has never done anything "bad" per say but he is extremely disrepectful to us, his teachers, his peers, the police. My husband gets up every morning at 5am to make my stepson get up and watches him get to the school bus and get on. Mind you, he has been kicked out of our public school system and now goes to an alternitive school so that too has been an issue.
He sits in his room and plays video games all day long, refuses to get a job, smokes in the house and is always asking for money. I went to the police and asked what my rights were...basically, he's under 18 and he has to do whatever I say or I can press unruly charges on him. Lucky for me, he respects me way more than he does anyone else and like you I try not to get into the middle of his battles with the law and his dad BUT...I also help pay for the food he eats, the toilet paper he wipes his butt with, the clothes on his back and the roof over his head, I have rights as a human being to voice my opinion and if he respects no one else he will respect me. We have a wonderful relationship and he would do anything for me but in return I am always kind to him and stern when I am pushed. Please feel free to message me, even if just to vent.
03-23-2012, 06:49 PM
welcome to our cyber family.
thank you for becomming a member.
it is always nice to hear that our "lurkers" become members.
please tell us a little more about yourself.
03-24-2012, 10:57 AM
Runnergirl, thanks for coming out of the shadows. I so appreciate your response. I, also, help put a roof over his head and help pay for food and utilities for this kid, but he just takes it for granted. He is so immature for his age, almost 14. Like I said, everything else is a priority for him, except what should be a priority, school. Anyway, a couple of days ago he really blew it again, and the police were here again. They could have taken him in, but his father didn't press charges against what he did. Another break! He has had so many. So sorry you are going through the same thing we are. I am glad you have a good relationship with the kid you are dealing with. I don't have a good relationship with this kid because I get upset when he disrespects his Dad. My problem is that when he disrespects his Dad, I can't help but disrespect his mother who abandoned him.
03-24-2012, 08:53 PM
As much as I dislike his mother, I never bring her up in any conversation, I know that would hurt my stepson too much. He knows whats up with his mom and I don't think my input is needed. I get very frustrated with the whole situation but I am not the parent and sometimes I think thats much harder than being the parent but I know my husband would say otherwise. He raised a stepdaughter with his first wife and said he would get so upset because he is ex-wife would always get upset with him when he would discipline the child, I'm just looking at him like, "hello, i'm in that boat here"! Neither of my husbands kids (17 yr old boy and 14 year girl) have ever spoken to me the way they do there dad, I won't put up with it but he does...
I have raised 2 beautiful amazing young women (23 and 24) that are simply wonderful and my best friends. Whatever happens to my stepson in the future is on his fathers shoulders, not mine. I do what I can with what I have and let the rest roll. Good luck, and feel free to pm me anytime, I can give you my e-mail and we can chat away and trade horror stories!
03-27-2012, 11:22 AM
I also raised a beautiful amazing young woman who never gave me any trouble. She thought I was the best mother in the world. That's what she told me anyway(my girl is 32). I figure that whatever happens to my boyfriend's son is on the boy himself and the way his mother raised him for the last 14 yrs. If I make it through this relationship for the next 4 yrs., when he turns 18, it will be a miracle.
04-12-2012, 07:27 AM
Update on boyfriend's son. He is going to school now, but refuses to follow other terms of his probation, like cooperating with us regarding homework, and following house rules. He sees his probation officer this afternoon, but I don't think he is going to get a good review. We'll see. I hope that they put him on formal probation and that they extend the probation beyond 6 months. He has already told his Dad, he is not going to go to high school here come September. If they take him off probation, he will just go back to his old ways and refuse to go to school again. I am just so sick and tired of him and his behavior.
04-16-2012, 11:46 AM
Oh my, I can sooooooooo relate to these issues. I finally told my husband on saturday that if he doesnt want to dicsipline his kids then I will.
I am tired, tired because I work 10 hours a day and his kids don't lift a finger (even their own things), tired because his 17 y.o. son doesnt mow the lawn but I do, tired because they are VERY disrespectul teenagers and I would have never allowed my own god given child talk to me that way and there is no way I'm going to allow some elses child do that. Tired because his son won't even get his butt out of bed for school but has his friends come over all evening to play x-box and eat our food (which has skyrocketing cost), tired because his daughter walks in on Friday night and calls us names and complains clear into monday morning when she leaves, tired because his daughter has been very mean to my 17 year old dog and now my sisters dog (i'm babysitting for it, long story), I'm tired of being the breadwinner, the housekeeper, the groundskeeper and everything in between. His kids are plenty old enough to know right from wrong and help out, if they don't want to show some respect and at least take care of what they have then my voice WILL be heard! He if doesnt want to discipline his own children then I will. Im just plain TIRED of it all!
Hi! I haven't been around here in a long time but I got an email the other day that reminded me of your initial post about your stepson and how difficult things had been for your family. The email was some really good information on children going through the justice system (in western aust) and how that impacts the family. I dont know whether you'd be interested in the info abt the kids but if you do want to see private message me and ill email you the info :-)