View Full Version : My sister and driving

10-27-2011, 02:10 PM
My sister is 23 years old, she does not have her license, not even a learners permit. I am on disability, I get $866.75 a month to live off of, plus a couple hundred extra that I make my walking and helping take care of 2 dogs for 2 people. Before I got sick, like most of us, I had a job that and was doing ok, not great but ok with money. I forget when I was approved for disability but it hasn't even been a year yet. I bought a car in 2008/09 I forget which year, because I needed one as my current car had died and I have no cash to get another one. It was a brand new car because I needed something reliable, not another used car that could fail me and plus I didn't think my life would spiral out of control.

Back to what I originally mean. I pay for this car by myself, and it costs me around $450 alone for its payments and insurance, and that's not including its gas and maintenance. Owning a car alone takes so much of my money but I need it/we need it. My sister doesn't drive, and I REALLY wish she would LEARN. I don't like driving but it is an essential skill we all need to learn otherwise we can't get anywhere a bus does not go. My sister used to ask for rides a lot, and I'd get irritated and then she'd get mad at me for getting irritated and it would just go in a circle. It's still like that today, she still won't learn to drive and I am still very irritated by her. Sometimes she gives me gas money, and she'll say "I paid you, so you have no reason to say no". Driving is tiring to me, you always have to be on alert, using your foot back and forth, and with my brain fog I just don't want to do this if I don't have to, I only drive when I need to go look after the dogs, otherwise I like to stay home.
She doesn't get this...My sister and I have been fighting ALL our lives, and I doubt it will ever stop. I live with her because we seemed to get a long better than we ever have once our parents divorced. I also live with her because its impossible to live alone on the pathetic amount of money I am given by the government. Just the other day she said she wanted a ride to work because she "didn't feel like walking" and I feel like I MUST say yes or she will just become pissed and I HATE IT SO MUCH when she's angry, it drives me insane, it makes it feel disgusting to be in this house. If I say no she gets angry, and/or she guilt traps me and says she barely ever asks and that it would "be nice if I could do this for her", so disgusting...

She is afraid to try for her Learners because she makes the excuse that she can't read well, and that she is afraid of failing. It's no big deal if you fail and everybody does the first couple of times, and I've tried to explain to her nicely but she is an impossible person to talk to, she takes every single thing you could ever say, as an attack.
Basically I never feel well, and I only drive when I have to, which is going to my work, to appointments, or for food or whatever else we may need. It's like she is jealous, or upset that I can go anywhere I want, whenever I want, but she has to walk or take the bus. Gee...I wonder why that is?! I'm so tired of her constant anger and her bitching and abusing me, but I know she is never going to change and it gets so hard to continue to ignore her or not let things bother me. She is a two faced person it seems, understanding one minute and then the next its as if she doesn't care or understand at all.

What do I do? Am I too hard on her? Am I the one who is not understanding and I am the one who is mean like she tells me? She's had 8 years of counseling and she has barely changed or improved at all, and I know its not her counselors fault as I've had her before and she's great, its the fact that my sister is selfish and stubborn.

What is it with healthy people getting jealous of us...I just can't wrap my head around that. I'd give anything to be NORMAL again and to have a life like she says she does. It's so hard to deal with this, and it goes way past just arguing about rides. We have a dog we share but she says is her's just because she's paid for it, yet I take full care of it, so I view it as OURS...Etc, it goes on and on.
Point is, I feel its time for her to get her damned license, I'll teach her, and she can take the freaking car HERSELF!!!

Yes I'm frustrated lol...Sorry...

10-27-2011, 09:43 PM
i understand your driving problems.
i only drive in emergencies also.

maybe your sisiter needs to read the spoon theory.

then you can have a good heart to heart.
hope you find a solution

10-30-2011, 09:55 PM
She is literally impossible to talk to.
I was thinking about the spoon theory but I don't think she'd understand it if she read it.
I'm just working even harder on ignoring her, especially when she insults me.

10-30-2011, 10:31 PM
sorry you are going through this i do not drive myself because they will not give me license because of my lupus and eyesight my husband drives but he had stroke and heart attack 2 years ago we have 3 children boy 25 girl 23 and 16 year old and they think we are there personel driver always wanting to go here there and everywhere even though they no there father and i are not well so i know are frustrating it can be hopefully things will get better for you soon sending you big hug

10-31-2011, 05:24 AM
She is literally impossible to talk to.
I was thinking about the spoon theory but I don't think she'd understand it if she read it.
I'm just working even harder on ignoring her, especially when she insults me.

ONe thing I have learned these past few weeks and that is if you dont look after yourself, noone else will. This is going to sound awful but if I were you, I would keep it simple and say 'I can no longer drive you around, you can choose to learn to drive, I do not choose to be sick so you are going to have to find someone else. If you choose to be nasty to me and not respect my decision then that is fine, I dont want to see you. If you want to respect my decision and move on like an adult, then thats good but from now on, I am no longer your driver'

Now she can do with that information what she wishes but it is time for you to take control, not let her bully you, be horrible to you or use you as her personal driver. You deal with your issues and she can deal with hers and if she doesnt want to learn to drive, thats up to her.

You are worth so much more than that and you do not deserve this treatment.

Say no.

10-31-2011, 05:24 AM
have you seen A Letter To "Normal" People.

i found it easier for me.

hopefully it will make more sense for your sister.
maybe you could ask her to read it for you, pretending to need her opinion on it

The Baum
11-06-2011, 06:29 AM
Wow, I can totally see that she makes you feel trapped because of the finances. I have learned that what she is doing is manipulating you. You need to take a stand and not
allow her to treat you like she has been. You start the conversation with I will not allow you to treat me like this anymore. Then you list the things that need to be said. Now the hard part. Don't let her do it, not even once because then she will not believe your words. She will be angry at first but usually the other person calms down in time. I know it will be hard for you since you love her and feel that you need her but be strong for yourself and your health. Keep us posted on how it turns out.

11-07-2011, 11:07 AM
Thanks for the replies. I have been standing up for myself for a while, its just so annoying having to deal with such an angry, and incredibly selfish person all the time. One day I'll get out of this, but for now I just have to keep making the best of it and stop letting her walk on me.

Thanks for that letter, I had never heard of it so I copied it and posted it to my facebook so everyone can read it.

11-07-2011, 04:02 PM
Thats a toughy. Have a twin sister who is incredibly selfish and angry all the time and has told me she hated me because of my lupus, after she moved out our relationship got better and when she moved back home she started keeping her bitterness to herself. It still comes out but not as much lol. I would seriously would just drop her off at the dmv and say ill be back in 3 hours and hope you pass but im ornery.
With the whole driving thing and the lupus and getting her to understand, well thats never going to change. Something about having one sister sick makes the other super jealous, im sure there is some physiological reason for it but it's a sister thing. All she is going to do is push your buttons until she gets her way, and she will never completely understand that you don't feel well, because to her your just being difficult and pulling your lupus card. I know this from experience. I don't know how many fights my twin and I have gotten into because of this, one morning she woke up and just hit me with her brush just because she felt like it so I hit her. Now I don't condone that but it was an example that this is normal especially between sisters when one is sick and the other is feeling resentful.