View Full Version : i have a question??

09-18-2011, 07:54 PM
as some of you know i have lost my only child in Afghan last month. and I'm so lost without a child in life. has anyone have had a baby with having lupus?? I'm 43 would i be to old?? i know I'm still grieving.. I'm not looking to replace my wonderful son. but I'm not sure how to live without a child in my life ...my son is a hero and he is watching over me now.. is is safe to have a child, and would it be fare to have a child knowing i have lupus.. hearing from you guys who have lupus means more to me then someone who has no clue what we go threw..

09-18-2011, 09:02 PM
I can't even begin to fathom the pain and hardship that you've been through. It is true that you need something to fill the hole you have, to help you learn to love again and help you to move on and accept. Whether or not it is ethical or okay for you to have a child with Lupus..that is not a question I can answer for you. But I will tell you this - my mother was 42 when she had me. There are studies showing that the health of a child improves with the age of the mother. Also, children with older mothers tend to be more well rounded and adjusted. Most likely because their mothers are more accepting and have more to teach. And also, more time with which to teach them. Ultimately, the choice is something that you must decide. No one else has the right to tell you whether or not it would be wrong, it is up to you.
Might I suggest though, that you think about adoption. With an older age, you'll be facing more health risks for you, and possibly your baby. With adoption there wouldn't be any genetic link, and you would be giving a home to a child in need. Or perhaps becoming a foster parent.

I would suggest talking to your doctor about the health risks with becoming pregnant at your age, so that you have a clearer mind with which to make a decision.

But all of this is for you to decide, of course. I wish you the best though, and that you will find the right path for you in your life.

09-18-2011, 09:17 PM
I am so sorry for your lossl I can't imagine trying to deal with losing a child no matter what ones medical situation. Your son is a hero and I will be forever grateful for his servicel. It was heroic to raise a son that was willing to serve this country.

As for the baby. Of course you do as you need but, if you are asking opinions then I would have to say wait. It is seldom good to act on emotion alone. Losing a child has got to be the most emotional thing that can happen. You need to make sure that you want another baby to want another baby and not simply because you are trying to fill the loss of your son. There is no filling of that void. It will get easier but part of you will always feel what is missing. If you are going to have another baby you have to want that baby just because you want one or that child will never live up to the brother that died. You will be disappointed because the hole is still there and the new child will feel that.

I hope I don't sound harsh because I am not meaning to sound that way. They say that people should never get in a new relation until 1 year after a major life change. I tend to agree with that.

My heart goes out to you though. If you ever need to talk I am just a PM away

09-18-2011, 10:26 PM
yes there is mothers who have had babies, whilst they have lupus.

there is two, (unfortunatelly there names escape me), who are members here.

no one can tell you to have another child ...... or not to.
this is your descission alone.

my wife had 6 children... because she loves new life.
the last two were with me.

there is a joy that cannot be replaced, seeing our children growing up.
now i watch our grandchildren growing, there is joy, but not the same.

i spent 12 years in the airforce, i know what your son saw in military life.
i have seen friends disappear, i know the hole left behind.
i have lost my sister, i know your feeling of loss.

you are young enough to have another child........
you are physically able to have another child........
you have the love to give to another child .......
is it right for you ... only you can answer this.

i am here with an ear to listen.
i am here with a shoulder for support.
i am here with a hanky to dry your eyes.

just ask

09-18-2011, 10:58 PM
I feel kind of bad in suggesting this as well... because of your situation... but what I think you might want to carefully consider is a couple of things.

The chances of congenital defects increases dramatically with parents over the age of 40. This means things like down syndrome, autism etc. A child with these defects will need a lot more care which is difficult for the perfectly healthy parent let alone a parent with lupus. Such children also require care for longer than your average child, requiring care as though they were a child right into their adult years. You may be changing the nappy of a large twelve year old boy when you are at the age of 55.
If you truly believe that you will have the energy to care for a child with extra special needs for the next 20+ years then you should discuss having a baby with your doctor and take their opinion under heavy consideration. Planning a baby is not to be taken lightly at the best of times... and I might suggest waiting until the grief is a bit less fresh to be considering such things. Perhaps talk to your partner about it and even your doctor and explore your options, even come to an agreement that you might try for a baby in a year or two if your health seems stable... you may find that alone is enough to help ease your pain.

I am no expert... but I think having another child wont eliminate your pain and may make it worse instead. And that a child should be brought into this world with the intention to love that child as a unique individual and for no other reason at all. I dont even believe a mothers feeling of need for a child is a good reason to have a child, I think the longterm life and path of that child and the dedication of growing a humanbeing to adulthood needs to be the main consideration.

I am very very very sorry for your loss. I can not even begin to imagine how it feels, a tear comes to my eye even touching on the topic. My daughter is just... there are no words at all for it. If tomorrow they said the only way for my daughter to live, would be for me to die... I would do it in a heart beat.
Perhaps you might want to try celebrating your lost childs life and give yourself time to grieve.

09-19-2011, 02:43 AM
I think everyone's posts have some great thoughts for you. Tgal and Giggle especially. Children sense things and the feeling of missing something is hard to bear.

Give yourself time to finish the grieving process before you make this decision. Discuss with doctor and then if not check on adoption - so many kids out there that need love and homes at any age. Just remember this, it's harder to do when you are older. And I have seen spoiled, wild kids as well as well rounded kids with older parents.

My favorite saying to my kids has always been

Think it through before you act.
What will the results be
How will they effect me and those around me
Then make your decision - something only you can make

09-19-2011, 03:59 PM
I hadn't even thought of adoption. That was the route I was going to take before the highly improbable happened and I got pregnant. That is a great suggestion Nonna.

09-21-2011, 03:08 AM
My niece is just preg with ivf at 42 without a partner because she wanted to have a baby. The Lupus factor I don't know but iwish you well and happiness in the future what ever you decide to do. Have the Baby for the right reasons because you want to Love the child, even if you decide to adopt or foster just love them for themselves. Good Luck and Love from Desley

09-21-2011, 03:52 PM
I am so sorry to hear about the death of your beloved son. I would be heartbroken if I were to lose one of my children.

I cannot advise you on whether or not to have another child at age 42 and having SLE but I can tell you that we had a woman over for dinner Saturday night with her daughters who are 9 and 16, the eldest, who goes to school with my 15 year old Bonus Daughter. The woman has been divorced for three years. The youngest daughter suffers from mild mental retardation from a smaller than average brain. I asked if the doctor's knew why that may have happened. She said it was probably because her eggs were "old." Yes, the eggs us ladies are born with are the only ones we have/produce throughout our lives. If you're doing IVF with a donor egg, chances are the egg is from a young lady.

In between the time the lady had the eldest daughter and the youngest, she had four miscarriages. The eldest daughter kept asking mommy for a brother or sister and mommy didn't want to disappoint her. Finally, at 42, mommy delivered a sister. A sister who will never live independently, never be gainfully employed and probably never marry.

I am not saying this to be Debbie Downer, but encouraging you to consider the ramifications if you are able to conceive, what if your child is not the healthy that your son was? Anyway, with having health issues yourself, would you have the energy to care for a child like you would have been able to when you were in your early twenties? I know I wouldn't be able to, especially with working full-time.

Again, my deepest sympathies. I cannnot even imagine the depths of your sorrow.

running girl
09-21-2011, 04:21 PM
I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't begin to imagine your pain.

I have no advise. Just thought I'd add my name to those wishing you well.