View Full Version : can't handle this anymore
07-22-2011, 09:13 AM
In my past threads I've mentioned that my marriage is less than wonderful. I'm at wit's end. I lost my job last year- fired. Via email. On the 4th of July weekend. Their excuses were pure bull but whatever. I got unemployment out of them. It ended last week. I have NO money coming in of my own. In January, hubby closed the joint account. He was the primary on it so he could legally do that. He's paid the bills and I've been paying my own expenses out of my unemployment check to include most of OUR groceries. I told him I have NO MORE MONEY until I get a job. He's whining that now he'll have to pay everything. He did that all the years I was a stay at home mom and didn't complain. Our expenses are now much less now that we don't have kids at home. We also had a car payment then that we don't have now. All vehicles and the house is free and clear. We went to the Dollar store last night. I put a couple items in the cart that we needed. When we went to check out, he looked at the stuff and said it wasn't all his. He stared at me waiting for me to cave. I didn't. I walked away and he had to pay for it.
I have no access to "his" money, which after 24 years of marriage is "OURS" thanks to living in a community property state. He's not grasping that concept. I'm in the process of looking for a lawyer that will give me a free consultation as I don't have the funds for the initial meeting. I do know that according to the divorce laws of this state, if I chose to divorce him, I'll get to take him to the cleaners. He has FOUR "secret accounts" that he'll have to cough up full disclosure and I'll get 1/2 off. I'll probably get spousal support. In other words, it would be cheaper for him to get his act together, live up to his marriage vows and stop being a jerk. I don't want a divorce. As I've told him in the past, I don't want to divorce him, I want to divorce his attitude. I shouldn't have to ask him for $ for incidentals. If I want to get my haircut, I shouldn't have to ask him for the money to get it. He's a bully. He has been our entire marriage. He finds a way to blame me for EVERYTHING. Nothing is ever his fault. Must be nice to be perfect eh?
07-22-2011, 09:50 AM
I was once married to a perfect man who controlled all my spending money for things such as TAMPONS! Sorry guys. Anyway I warned him for years that someday I would be able to finish school and get enough money and then it would all be my money. Well it happened and now i am on my own with mY MONEY! We have a saying in mental health, "He who holds the money holds the power."
I can't give you any marriage advice as I stink at marriage.LOL
I just always tell my clients to spell it out clearly as to what you want to happen in the marriage and what you intend to do if he does not respect your wishes. Then follow through. Men don't always think the way we do (imagine that). Sorry again guys.
Sorry dear girl for what you are going through. Im proud of you for not throwing the item at him in the store.
07-22-2011, 04:10 PM
My daughter had a baby with a now ex-boyfriend who is EXACTLY like what you are describing. He had total control over her finances, too. She recently found out that he filed their taxes as Married, filing jointly in 2008, and got a tax break as a first time homeowner on a house that he rents out, but doesn't live in. She got not a single penny of any of this, and she was easily able to prove that they were never married. She turned him in to the IRS. She will now be getting her own tax return for that year and he will be getting in trouble with the IRS. He's a "financial adviser", so he may lose his license for that, too. He has never paid her a bit of child support in the six years, and her lawyer is even going to include the hospital bills that he made her pay when the baby was born. She was still under our insurance, so that wasn't even the bulk of it.
He finally made her reach her tipping point, and he's going to find out just how bad it can get.
In the meantime, she has met a wonderful guy, who is treating her right. I am so glad that my grandson is finally seeing what a good relationship is supposed to look like.
I wish you luck, sweetie. It's amazing that you have been able to deal with him for 24 years.
07-22-2011, 04:39 PM
My father was always very controlling of my mother and money. He definetly had the old country definition of mens and womens roles-I have always strived to not repeat his mistakes. I'm sorry for your troubles-its tough enough dealing with lupus without this nonsense!
07-22-2011, 11:15 PM
it is never too late to teach an old dog, new tricks.
it is never easy.
you will have a real bad flare from it, with him or without him.
i am sorry it has come to this, people change.
as we grow our priorities change.
some change for the good, others .............
07-23-2011, 05:38 AM
"unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another." That is the text book actual dictionary definition of love. If he isn't even willing to be understanding and what you need now that your life has changed because of this disease maybe you need to tell him he's not meeting your standards of what you need, and if he doesnt your gone. Sometimes the threat of leaving makes them realize how serious it is and kicks them back into shape.
07-23-2011, 06:33 AM
No wonder your down mate, you've got one total CONTROL FREAK on your hands mate as that's what we call people like that here in the uk...he's down grading you for having to ask for the least little thing but you do get men and women like this.
My first marriage was similar not where money was concerned i payed out while he sat on his idol arse excuse the french but concerning everything that needed to be done...it had to be done when he said so and regarding my seizures and illnesses would'nt bother like your hubby besides being abusive towards me.
I never said this before but he made a large slip up went with another woman and after 2yrs of marriage i had him by the nuts and divorced him in 6mths and ste i'm with now i could'nt wish for a better man.
I'm sorry Rita but when people turn out like that it riles me because your just putting the person down you married.
My hearts with you mate on this one. Hugzzzzzzzz Terry xxxx
07-23-2011, 09:09 AM
My father was always very controlling of my mother and money. He definetly had the old country definition of mens and womens roles-I have always strived to not repeat his mistakes. I'm sorry for your troubles-its tough enough dealing with lupus without this nonsense!Niall, there are still loads of men about today who still think it's old times and expect the woman to do the lot besides controlling the purse strings....lovely to hear your not one of them mate.lol my husband is a 50/50 bloke on everything but like you said, when your ill like Rita is you dow need this lot on top.
07-23-2011, 09:58 AM
I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. Unfortunately, there are many men who still believe that it is their inalienable right to control all finances and that their wives are supposed to accept whatever allowance they see fit to bestow upon her. This is such a Victorian attitude and, for the most part, in the 21st century, ends up in divorce.
You are right, however, that you should not have to beg for money for your personal needs or your personal wants.
Most attorneys will offer free consultation and, should you decide to proceed, your husband will most likely be ordered to pay all of your attorney fees.
I do hope that you find a resolution to your problem that is beneficial to you and that does not cause you too much stress. I wish you the very best :-)
Peace and Blessings
07-23-2011, 12:06 PM
Thank you all for your kindness. I know that I was basically "programmed" to be afraid. I've been afraid of way too many things for most of my life. In the most twisted way possible, hubby and I are perfect pair in the sense that I was raised to fear the HUSBAND and he was raised to be a bully husband. Twisted but true. I am working diligently to become strong. I know when it comes to people, I'm a ballsy broad! I don't take crap from anyone BUT hubby. Go figure. I've stood up to gangmembers and lived to tell. I've brought 21 year old muscled dudes to their knees, but hubby? go figure. So I basically lead a double life: the by myself, confident appearing amazing woman of a certain age that can handle any situation, take on any crisis and teenagers fear me. Then around hubby, I cower. I cave. I become someone I never want my daughter to emulate.
I'll be honest with you: as I write this, my blood pressure rises. Because, up until I lost my unemployment, I was paying the utilities as he paid the rest of the bills. I didn't pay them last month as I was saving for the trip and I helped my daughter out with the intention of paying them off with the unemployment check I thought I was getting last week. Instead I get a letter stating that my unemployment has expired. No more $$ so now hubby has to pay 2 months worth of gas and electric together totaling less that $200 which isn't bad considering air con has been on A LOT. To an well adjusted marriage that is no big deal. Instead, he'll possibly flip out. I've been thanking Jesus and claiming that hubby will behave himself. And I remind myself that the worst thing he'll do is grumble and say the same things he's said a thousand times before. Things that I KNOW are NOT true. And he'll get over it. He won't hurt me or anything else. He can't threaten to take all the money away- he already has. He won't threaten to NOT pay the bills as that would only hurt him.
So for those of you who read this today and pray, please say a prayer for me. Join me and praying for strength and thanking God for putting peace and kindness in Mark's heart. Join me in claiming it. Thank you all so very much. You all really are the best.
Linda From Australia
07-23-2011, 01:22 PM
You asked for prayer, so I am wondering if perhaps you are a regular church attender? If you are, is there a paster that you could talk to about advice on how to work with your husband to solve these issues? You donít need to worry about your husband finding out because they are bound to confidentiality. And of course I will pray for a softening of your husbandís heart.
Linda From Australia
07-24-2011, 02:52 AM
This might help you to know that there are so many people out there who understand
07-24-2011, 02:58 AM
: ( I feel for you. I have been in similar situations. I really hope you get this sorted, dont stand for it one second longer. You cant imagine how my heart sinks for you... I fear being in just this situation. My partner shows hints of this kind of thinking, though i think he is not childish enough to do things like cancel a joint account.
I feel bad for having no advice. I will keep you in my thoughts and fingers crossed that he smartens up a bit.
07-24-2011, 03:24 AM
Rita like Linda said there's a paster you may be able to chat to but there's also marriage councilling if they do it your way...but there again would your hubby go, that's another question.