View Full Version : I almost killed myself last night........

12-27-2005, 07:10 AM
I'm still in that "We don't know whats wrong with you" mode and everything has pointed to Lupus for 11 years. I've had two tests that came back that it might be lupus, so why aren't they helping me?? I'm in constant pain. I have two very small children and if I didn't have them, i would have ended it last night. No one understands how much this hurts and i have to do it everyday by myself. I'm tired. I'm feeling a little better today as far as not wanting to meet my maker yet. My mom came over last night and stayed so I could rest. My kids are 2 and 1 and they aren't good sleepers. I can't find a job. I can't do anything. I can't cook because I get hot and sick. I can't clean because I'm dizzy and my joints hurt. I guess I'm just having a big pity party, but I really was going to kill myself but my friends stepped in and called the police.....wonderful.

12-27-2005, 08:22 AM
I am so sorry. I am glad your friends called the cops and stopped everything. {{{HUG}}} I can really understand how you would get to that point but I am glad you didn't follow through. Having all the symptoms and not a diagnosis can really play havoc on your mind and emotions. I pray they give you an answer soon and get you some help. {{HUG}}

12-27-2005, 11:22 AM
Hang in there! It will be OK. Believe me I understand, except my Mom wont come help. I have a 20yr, 17yr, 18yr, and 8yr. I have raised them thru the pain. WOW, do I know where you are at. I have had lupus for way over 18 yrs. The past 4yrs have been the absolute worst and I am near the end. You can do it! The house can be cleaned later. I promise the mess will not walk away, it will be there. Take small steps pick up , one or two things. It will make you feel useful but not wear you out. I can send you some recipes to make , one pot meals, great for little ones and you can have left overs. I love the microwave. Slow down and rearrange your life just a little. It will be OK. I know how hard it is to work in pain. I can hardly sit up and cant walk well, my fingers are so swollen they burst open and bleed, the headaches never stop, they blind me. The arthritis is so bad, my fingers are curled under and it is so hard to type or hold a pencil or a fork. I am 41 yrs old. I was very pretty 4 yrs ago before this came down hard on me. I had blonde hair to my butt, a great figure, and beautiful skin and my teeth weren't falling out. I am working toward making all this better. I just have to rearrange again. Make so things simpler. My lupus is probably different from yours because it runs in my family. My Great Grandmother and Grandmother and my Mother has it. So it is pretty deep in my genes. But you can do this! Just slow down and take care. Little ones keep you going and things are bad for you right now. But think back in your past...........when things go bad.......they always will get better. You have friends that love you very much and you have two great kids. Things will turn around soon. I swear they will. You are in a slump and upset. Just hang in there and try. You are young and will be just fine!!!!!! I have been taking ultracet for pain...It works very well for me. Nonnarcotic....so I am not loopy. I work everyday and things will come thru for you too! I will be thinking of you!!!

12-27-2005, 03:17 PM
Micha, I am so glad you got some help from your friends and your mom last night. I have small kids too, although they are a little older than yours, but it can be so hard to take care of them when you are in terrible pain and feeling rotten. I'm in diagnosis limbo, although my rheumatologist says she is treating me for lupus, but doesn;t want to write the diagnosis down because of how it can affec life and health insurance. She tells me that the most important thing is that my symptoms are being treated.

Have you found a doc who would treat your symptoms and at least help you with getting some relief from your pain? I would keep looking until you find someone who is willing to work with you. The docs can still treat your symptoms even if they don't know what's wrong with you. Please take care and don't hesitate to come here anytime you need support..

12-27-2005, 03:59 PM
I spent a lot of time reading posts before being able to join and your post has left me feeling so scared for you and thinking about you all day long. I can't imagine what life is like for you and how hard it is either. I am a single parent with little support. Somedays I too think if my young child would be better off without me. Those are the days where I hear myself saying.. sorry honey mommy just hurts too much. How unfair is it for her to grow up hearing that too often? But then I look at the beauty of her and know that she would not be better off. Our children need us. No matter what condition we are in. We are needed. I hope you decide maybe to get some professional help or talk to someone. I am scared for you and I am here if you ever ever need to talk! I am new to this site and new to having Lupus, but not new to the struggles of parenthood with no money and no support.

12-29-2005, 07:04 PM
Hi SassysingleMa:
As a mother who has to live the rest of her life without her daughter, I want to say to you that ending your own life would set in motion years of pain for so many. You are much more loved and cherished than you know and, I truly believe this, your life is like a ripple that has touched and affected people who you do not even know exist.
We are all put here for a reason, we may never know that reason, but be assured that you are very important to so many! Look at what you've done just by posting on this board. Look at how many people you have touched and how many hearts have been opened for you!! You have an impact on everyone that you meet, speak to, smile at, write to or even just look at. Your smiling eyes might be the eyes that gives someone the hope that they were looking for!
Do not under estimate yourself, your purpose, your impact or your value. Certainly, do not under estimate the large number of people who think that you are very important to them. You are a gift, even if and when you do not know what that gift is.....nonetheless - you are a gift! Your friends and your family know how much of a gift you are to them...Your children are your gifts to the world and you are their world!
Please come and talk to us at any time at all. As you can see, we are always here for you!
Know that you are blessed and that you are a blessing
Peace and Love

12-29-2005, 08:58 PM
I don't have anything worthwhile to contribute in addition to what people are saying. Just wanted you to know I come here often and am thinking of you. It's a cry for help, and we hear you.

03-28-2006, 09:50 AM
Hi Sassysinglemom. I just got back on this site last night and came across your messge from December and boy, did my heart go out to you. It has been four months since you tried to kill yourself and I want to know how you are doing and what kind of help/support you are getting.

I've been too sick to go in to see my therapist so he and I have sessions over the telephone, and that helps me so much. The last time we talked when I told him about my depression he described it as despair. It's hard for other to understand what we feel, isn't it. But despair pretty much describes it. The good news is that tomorrow is usually a better day, so if we can just struggle through the really bad ones we can make it. Spring has come to Oklahoma and that is better for my soul than anything.

I can't for the life of me imagine going through this flare I'm in AND taking care of two tiny children. By the time they are teenagers you'll realize just how little they care about what your house looks like because their rooms will look like war zones if they are like normal teenagers!

Hang in there girl, and let us know how you are doing, please.

03-28-2006, 10:55 AM
SassySingle - just wanted to let you know I've been thinking of you as well. Hope you're well past the flare, feeling like dancing and doing wonderfully.

Please know that we all care - and that we'd love to know how you are doing!