View Full Version : Reality check

07-16-2011, 08:30 PM
On the 4th, Sonmak posted a thread asking how to get hubby to understand. I thought about that post quite a bit today along with the responses as my hubby joined the cast of "He Just Doesn't Have A Clue Does He?" playing in a household near you. Today's episode centered around hubby complaining about the "lack of organization" in the refrigerator. We have the standard issue fridge- freezer on top, fridge on bottom model. No bells and whistles, just your standard appliance. I don't know about the rest of you, but for this lupie, trying to twist and turn to get anything in or out of anywhere but the door or the top shelf is an exercise workout in itself. Maybe its just me, I don't know. Hubby is healthy. Hubby is agile. Hubby is clueless, hence the storyline of this week's episode. Hubby's brilliant solution? That I should go buy a new refrigerator. Mind you, there's NOTHING wrong with this one, minus the ergonomic issue, but hey, a new fridge will solve everything right? In who's world??? MY solution was to find a middle ground. One that would please his organizational desires and my ability to get what I want without having to take painkillers first. Cheaper too.
As some of you have read in my prior rantings, hubby dumped his motorcycle in June and dislocated his shoulder. I had hoped that the silver lining in that would be for him to finally have a sense of compassion for what I live with on a daily basis. No such luck. Love him dearly, but I don't think he's evolved that far yet. Don't think I haven't tried to progress him and give him insight into the wonderful world of lupie. Examples such as: think about how your shoulder hurt a couple days after the accident. Now imagine that pain EVERYWHERE. Now imagine that pain everywhere, everyday. Sometimes its not AS BAD as right after your accident, some days it feels like you fell off your bike over and over and over. Nope. Can't grasp that. *SIGH* I tried. I shake my head and hobble off.
So to you dear Sonmak and all of you who have loved ones who have starring roles in the "He (or she) Just Doesn't Have A Clue" series, my best wishes and prayers and hopes for a cure, not only for Lupus but for cluelessness as well. I'd hug you all, but I'm just too blasted sore.
Love to you all,

Rita aka Ruziska (which, btw, was supposed to be Ruzicka, but I typo'd)

07-16-2011, 08:38 PM
Well, mine has a co-starring role <sigh> Sometimes he reads over my shoulder while I'm on this site and he says, "stop reading that stuff; it's only going to make you crazy." I *know* he meant to say "crazier." Andplusalso, often when he hugs me, he gets a little offended when I back off. I mean, dang it man, it hurts!

07-16-2011, 08:52 PM
It is so frustrating, however understandable, that they will never understand how we feel. They are healthy, we are not. The reason we come here to talk instead of talking to them is, they are healthy... we are not. I am thankful that they don't feel what we feel every day. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I would really like it if they had to feel it for a day or two. LOL

07-16-2011, 09:26 PM
Wow, I guess I can thank my lucky stars.
My hubby is a scientist, so he's always researching stuff about what I have and sending me links, telling me to share them with all of you. He's also very attentive and takes care of me. He does ignore me when I'm cooking, and I'm glad. That man can't cook at all! I try not to let him know when I'm worried about something, because he would then spend a lot of time on it, too.

My oldest girl, Heather, is a neurobiologist, so she has a good understanding of what I tell her. Kayla is studying nursing, so she's eager to learn about it, too. Hillary and Meg both have some AI symptoms, so they are doing research, too. My son Tom is the only one who is clueless, but oh well.

I sure hope that you can get through to your loved ones somehow. It really helps when you can understand and trust each other.
Hugs to all of you,

07-16-2011, 09:30 PM
Oh Marla... Yours is the way a household should be if someone suffers from an AI or neurological issue. My home is only my daughter and I. I wouldn't change her for the world. The rest of the family? Siblings and such simply don't care to ask

07-16-2011, 09:34 PM
i am also lucky in that my wife understands.

unfortunatelly she has several health issues.
she supports me being here, and the kids know it is good therapy for me.

07-17-2011, 03:49 AM
Well Ruzicka, you gave me my first giggle of the day with the typo, as I make so many!

I truly am sorry your hubby does not understand. I have had men in my life that have been clueless to my suffering and presently have a boyfriend who would do anything to lift my pain. He even hangs wash while I'm sleeping. He tells me about new research on lupus and is always trying to find ways to help me. But, he would not get me a bottle of wine when I was in horrific pain. The stinker.

My heart aches for all of you in relationships where you are not loved on well. Perhaps you could tell them you would have more energy for other things(wink) if you were not so tired from the chores.

07-17-2011, 09:49 AM
This is my relationship with my mom. She has learned though that its how I am. She always tells me "I dont understand" and I just say I know you dont and you cant and that just kind of stops the conversation. I know my family cares though because part of the reason Im staying home for college is because they're afraid I'll go away and get sick and wont have anyone to help me.

07-19-2011, 03:32 AM
Well my relationship with my hubby as took a massive turn around...when he first found out and i told him what had happened at the hospital he listened but as we all have alot of symptoms the same foggyness, things not being took in properly he thought i was over doing it and it took one hospital visit to open his eyes and i could'nt wish for anyone better and he's took aload on besides and he must watch me through the day because he knows when a seizure is due or if things are to much he tells me to rest.

I could'nt wish for such a wonderful husband now.

07-20-2011, 05:26 AM
To my husband, if I'm breathing, I'm capable of cleaning, cooking and putting in full day's work. I know a lot of his beliefs stem from his upbringing - his mom did everything at home, including yard work until he was oouyld enough to wrangle the mower-even when MIL battled thyroid cancer. FIL went to work, paid the bills and expected a martini and the newspaper to be waiting for him thank-you-very-much..

My husband does nothing in the home, he doesn't cook (won't even make a sandwich). He does mow the grass. Now that his daughter lives with us, he expects the bulk of parenting to land on me. I have left books on health issues on the coffee table. He won't read them. I have sent him links via email. I know he hasn't read them as I've asked questions and he said he didn't have time. I know he's busy at work, but he always has time to look up things related to his hobby.

He's started to do the prep for the concrete in our backyard after living in our new home over a year and complaining about his back and arms/legs being so sore. I have no sympathy. Does that make me a cold hearted b*tch?

07-20-2011, 07:42 AM
Does that make me a cold hearted b*tch?


just honest.
some people do not understand the together bit it the marriage vow.
it is not i do - you do.
it is together through........

07-20-2011, 02:05 PM
Hi BonusMom,
I LOVED Steve's answer to you. You are doing a lot with working and all that you have been though this past year or so on top of being sick.
If he isn't supportive of you, then why be supportive of him for his little aches and pains?
Hang in there, girl.
How's your son doing?

07-20-2011, 05:19 PM
Hi Bonusmom,

All i can say is let his aches and pains fly through the window...until he can find a proper way of understanding what your suffering. xxx

07-20-2011, 05:21 PM
Hello Rita,

How you feeling now in yourself??...since you started the thread.

((Hugs Terry)) xxx

07-20-2011, 07:52 PM
Thanks for asking Terry and the answer is : eh.

Jobwise: still waiting to hear either way on the admin for construction job I interviewed for 1 1/2 weeks ago. The childcare interview was a bomb which I am thankful for and I have an interview at a temp agency tomorrow morning. I sent them my resume and a cover letter Monday night and they called me this morning wanting me to come in this afternoon but I couldn't make it then so I go in tomorrow morning.

Hubby has taken over all laundry chores which I am grateful for but I'm still fighting demons with him with his attitude. Lots and lots of praying for that one going on.

Daughter picked up her discovery today in her alleged assault case. Hubby the excop looked it over and found that she was never read her Miranda rights which is a MAJOR boo boo to her advantage. Can you say mistrial?!

Mom: I've created a monster. She doesn't want to take care of ANYTHING on her own regarding finances. One of the tasks I had given her (to help her learn and maintain some level of independence) was to call the car insurance company and have them put the vehicle she gave daughter on storage insurance as it currently til who knows when not running. She calls me today (the day I'm running around like a maniac) and tells me she got a bill from the for over $900 and wants me to deal with it. I told her to call them and remind them that as of 5 July they were told to put the vehicle in storage and they need to adjust the bill. She wants me to do it because she says I like to "yell at people". No I don't. I don't like my blood pressure going through the roof. The way my week is looking, I'll have to deal with her on Saturday. I'll have her bring the bill over and write down EXACTLY what she is to say to them when she calls them Monday. I will probably have to write a letter to them and have her sign it and send it to them for documentation. That may be the only way she'll give me a break. She's already pissed that she "has to make an appointment to see me". Well excuse me for trying to find a job! My unemployment has run out and I'm down to my last few $ and hubby doesn't want to share and I may have to get a lawyer involved if he doesn't get his act together and stop being a jerk.

My hips are killing me. Walking leaves a lot to be desired and I've got heat rashes that are infected. So yeah, I'm just freaking peachy.

07-20-2011, 11:10 PM
You've certainly got a plate, bowl and saucer heaping full of life's major stressors.

Has your daughter known her accuser very long? Does the accuser have a history of not being truthful? Ask your daughter iif she knows of any other similar claims that were filed/dismissed that can be used to show her pattern of false allegations. The lack of Miranda is great for your daughter.

I hope you hear something positive on the job front soon; that your Mom puts her big girl panties on and takes care of her own business so you don't have to and that your hubby learns to share-like he was taught in Kindergarten.

07-21-2011, 12:41 AM

hope things start to come together for you.

thinking of you.

07-21-2011, 01:13 AM
Hubbie has hurt his neck. Slept on it funny and woken up stiff and sore. And, there are two little voices warring inside me.... Do I coddle him like one should when a loved-one is hurting, utilising the opportunity to teach him how to care... or do I give in to the urge to rub his nose in his failings and attempt, again, to force him to 'get it'? I find I'm back n' forth between the two. He rang someone to cover his jobs, and I couldn't help commenting that I wish I could just call someone. He said he didn't feel it was safe to drive so I went to fill my scripts (coincidence that he gave me the money for them today, one of which was celebrex.... its been sitting for a couple of weeks.) When I got back, I made myself something to eat and sat down infront of him, he looked at me annoyed... then I gave him a celebrex and told him he should eat first if I were him. I was lol'ing hard on the inside but kept a straight face and just kept eating innocently, ignoring his snort. Hmm, Yea, the bitchy little voice has been a little louder, and, if I was to be honest, there is an element of revenge mixed up in there. Hey, its poss it will even work a bit, for a little while! Don't get me wrong, there have been many times I've behaved more.... ummm... spiritually if you like, I just feel like now the gloves are off, I'm sick of pandering to others and doing 'the right thing', ha, the right thing by whom?!?! Certainly not by me! I feel too tired to care about what people think anymore, even if that's my husband. I'm gonna be me and damn the consequences, bring 'em on I say!! Cause I got enough shit to live with, and I can no longer 'sweat the small stuff', and if they can't handle that, they can wash their own damn undies or piss off!

Um, sorry, I think I may have got a little carried away, what I meant was, I understand where you're at Bonusmum, and I think it just makes you human.

07-21-2011, 06:03 AM
Hi Rita,

Please let we know about the job as soon as you hear anything and fingers crossed for you mate...as you've been looking a fare bit now.

Let the hubby do the washing it wow hurt him, christ you can't be doing the lot you'll where yourself out woman and he's got to learn to understand this one way or another (something will give in time).

Issues for you daughter don't look to good and it's a good job it was checked...you need to study these things dead carefully.

Refering your mom mate, it's like a doorway as been opened on relief and your taking the boat load now...i'm not being nasty Rita but when my mom was alive oh she did her bills ok but the once NOW LISTEN TO THIS things got out of hand robbing peter to pay paul, somehow things went awire..now i've always been sensable with money and doing bills, i get a bell off her asking to see me and when i got there she explained some things had got out of hand and she was taking money from one bill to pay another bill and stuck herself in abit of a position this lot came around after my dad died and she asked me to take over her money and sort her out, you may think i'm cruel and i told her NO i've got enough to do, i was married to my first hubby then besides ilnnesses.

(Best part about it through me saying no within months she got straight)...try not to be pushed on to much mate.

You sound very down and ill in yourself and rashes go bad won't help you or your system one bit...what i'm trying to say is sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

Hugzzzzzzz you way mate and for god sake take it easy abit more.

Love Terry xxxxxxx