View Full Version : What's next????? Ranting again... sorry...

12-23-2005, 10:26 PM
Hi guys...

Here I am again ranting and raving... I just don't know what else to do or where else to go or.... anytyhing...

Well, it's happened... A LOT sooner that I expected it to... On Monday my band asked me to step down as lead singer because they are extremely concerned about my health... Two weeks ago I passed out and band practice, and last week, we had a gig and it threw me through the ringer...

They want me to step back into a back up roll at least until I am feeling better... Which I can understand... I guess...

We had our first auditions today and they picked someone... She's really good... And I'm not sure that I will get my REAL spot back after I am feeling better... :cry:

Singing is my life... And it always has been... It's what's kept me going my ENTIRE LIFE... And it one of the things that has been helping me deal with this disease....

I guess I just feel like so much has been taken from me already, why this, too? And where does it end??? What ELSE can be taken from me without COMPLETELY crushing my spirit????

I hate this... And I don't know if I can deal with it anymore... :mad:

I'm actually really worried that sitting here watching my dream go down the toilet might break me... :puppydogeyes:

Thanks for listening to me rant.... again....

12-23-2005, 11:51 PM
So sorry to hear about your band...I know that is your passion but maybe it is best that you take a backup role for now...at least they are concerned enough about you to have someone take your place for now so the whole band doesn't go down the tubes and you don't have a fantastic postion to come back to...does that make any sense?

I know things seem really bleak right now and believe me, I know how tough it is to feel rotten, not get alot of sleep and have to deal with everything but know that everyone here really cares about you!

Have you gone to see a counsellor? Maybe that would help you deal with everything?

Hang in there...take one day at a time and keep a journal so your dr can help you track your patterns. Hope you have a nice holiday season!

12-24-2005, 12:18 AM
counsellor? uh no. I have had WAY too many bad experiences to go through THAT again...

Thank you, though, for the encouragement and support... :)

I just wonder if I am going to be able to sit back and watch this girl replace me... and if I'll be able to do this whole lupus thing without being able to look forward to what I REALLY want to be doing with my life...

It's almost like they took away my music... even though I know they really didn't

I dunno...

Thanks though...

12-24-2005, 06:30 AM
Solesinger, I can't tell you how sorry I am that this happened. I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. It sounds like singing is not only your passion, but it's a huge part of who you are and how do you fill that empty place in yourself if you don't have that anymore.

I too feel like this disease has robbed me of things I used to love to do. I was both a running fanatic and an animal freak. My running was a huge part of my identity - I was a runner and everyone knew me as a runner. During runs I had time to clear my head and it helped balance my life and of course I liked what it did for my body. When I first got sick I kept trying to run by going shorter distances and I remember how horrible it was when I finally had to give it up. I have a friend who runs and it is so hard for me when she talks about running races that I used to run and training for certain events. And with animals, I don't have the energy to have the animals I would like to have.

I know your singing is different because it was also what you do for your living. Ironically, music is one of the things getting me through being sick. I love music and I think it has amazing healing powers. I feel that since I have gotten sick I was stripped of so many of the things that made me who I was that I am stripped to my core and have to figure out who I am all over again.

I'm sorry my reply is so long. I just feel really bad that this is happening to you. As far as therapists/counselors go, I know there are a lot of bad ones out there, but there are also some really good ones (kind of like docs). I made sure I found someone who specializes in cronic illnesses. ALso if you don't click with someone or don't like them, you don't have to go back. I do know it's a pain in the butt to trying to find someone.

One thing is for sure, all of us here will be there for you through this whenever you need to vent or scream or whatever you need to do. Take care.

12-24-2005, 06:37 AM
Oh SoleSinger, I am so sorry to hear that!

There is a horridly pithy statement that "when god closes a door he opens a window." That may end up happening, something new may arise for you. But it won't be easy. Windows tend to be harder to climb through, you have to hop down to the ground without breaking anything, just generally not so convenient. (OK a pretty lame attempt at adding a touch of humor)

SoleSinger, give yourself a bit of room to grieve. When you lose your heart's goal, it is so painful.

In a week, in a month, you may be able to start regrouping and start figuring out where the window is. It could be that the backup singing will free you to pour your voice into harmony, and you'll end up loving the chance to be the orchestra not the soloist. It could be that it will strengthen your resolve to be the soloist, but you'll learn a new way to do it - in a way that conserves your energy.

Gloria Estefan. She was a wildly active performer in her earlier music, then almost died in a bus accident that broke her back. "Coming out of the dark" was her first song when she came back. I'm getting tears in my eyes thinking about that performance - she stood calm and strong behind a microphone - sang her heart out standing in place.

She didn't lose her voice - she had to learn a new way. Not better, not worse, but different.

But that will take time, dear. Go ahead, cry. Scream. And then you can begin to rebuild.

Many warm hugs - and a shoulder to lean on.

(edited by a hatlady who doesn't know coming into the light from coming out of the dark. sigh...)

12-28-2005, 01:10 PM
Thank you all for your replies... I really appreciate them... I'm just feeling really lost right now...

And then, I called my doctor today and told her that SOMETHING had to be done about all of this... And mentioned that I was losing my band and all of that...

Her advice?

Put on a happy face and don't share with them what is going on.

If I could pretend well enough to keep me from being so dizzy that I stumble around like a drunk, or to keep me from passing out, or to make it appear that I could breathe easily, or to shrink my legs that are once again swelling to the size of oceanliners... DON'T YOU THINK I WOULD???

She also mentioned giving me an anti-depressant... GREAT! That MIGHT help my attitude... BUT!!! It ISN'T going to stop my dizziness, my headaches, my nausea, my kidney pain, my joint pain, my swelling, the fact that my heart races and beats out of my chest, and the fact that there are points where I can't breathe! NOT TO MENTION a million OTHER things that happen on a semi-regular basis...

But... I guess I won't care that all that crap is happening to me... And if I don't care about it, I OBVIOUSLY won't bug her with it... And as long as she isn't being bothered it must be okay...

I get so tired of feeling like I am battling this alone... Even with all the support in the world, if my doctor isn't going to help me, when it comes down to it, I am alone... Aren't I?

My band, however, is making me VERY happy inspite of all the crap... They have put links to LFA on the website and have agreed to wear and sell Lupus Awareness wristbands in support... They look great in purple those guys!!

www.trickshotband.com is my band's website if you want to check it out! (The sound samples are of me, not this new girl they've got, if you're interested) They also want me to write a blurb on my bio page about what is going on... But, I'm not exactly sure what I want to say...

Anyway... thank you as always for listening to me rant... I hope this is only a temporary situation...

Thanks again!

12-28-2005, 02:59 PM
Sorry about your doctor. They are the ones who are supposed to be there and help us when we are feeling our worst. I think they sometimes don't want to deal with us if they aren't sure what to do. Thanks for the info on your band's website. I'm glad they are being so supportive. Take care

12-28-2005, 08:10 PM

I know how hard this is for you. I'm in the midst of an extremely bad flare so I can totally sympathize with having a dr who just tells you to suck it up! It's times like these that I want to have them trade bodies with me for just one day and see if their attitude changes.

See if there is a local support group and they may have drs/counsellors they can recommend.

I'm so glad your band is supporting you. I know how tough it is to relinquish your position but maybe if you really concentrate on getting better, you will come back stronger than ever.

Take care!

12-29-2005, 03:56 AM
I am new here but your story touches me. I listened to some of the songs on your band's website. You are truly Blessed to have such an inspiring gift of music.

Please continue using that gift....write music, sing in Church....something, anything.....do a solo recording of beautiful ballads.

Although I know this time is hard for you, please remember that there still are beautiful Blessings out there.

Sing On!


12-29-2005, 07:13 AM
SoleSinger, I just went to your band's website and you guys are REALLY good. I hope so much that someday you are able to do what you love again. Take care

12-29-2005, 07:52 AM
Solesinger, I am so very sorry. Hopefully you'll be able to get the rest you really need and then be better than ever. That had to be a hard thing to hear tho and I really am sorry. {{HUG}} I plan to listen to your song tonight or tomorrow at home, I'm at work right now so can't ;)
BTW your dr doesn't sound nice at all. I'd be shopping for a new one I think. You need someone that is going to help you and understand ya know? I'm all for positive thinking but in my body it only gets you so far. ;)

12-29-2005, 01:25 PM
SoleSinger, your voice and your band are FABULOUS! I hope your time away from the lead spot is temporary - you have such a gift. I hope you can find a way to do what you love - with it taking less a toll on you physically.

Your doctor lacks compassion for what you're going through, which is terribly sad. I don't know what to tell you - other than to bare your feelings to someone OTHER than the doc! Truly, all therapists are not the same. Personally, I'd suggest looking for a Social Worker - not a psychologist. Social Workers are more focused on adjusting to what's going on - and less focused on how you reacted to your mother when you were three. (yes, I'm generalizing about psychiatrists!)

Many hugs, dear, we're all here for you, offering support, shoulders to cry on, ears to listen, and comfort for strength...

12-30-2005, 01:00 PM
Oh dearest SoleSinger,

I think I will retort to the old...things always get worse before they get better!!!

I know it is hard to see it that way, but you have had one heck of a year ++++!!! Sometimes the relief that we feel with diagnosis has to be slammed back down into reality. Though we think that just waiting for answers is all we need, we really need to listen to our bodies and start a new way of life!!!

Your band seems to TRUELY care for you, and I'm sure that it is hard for them to see you like this!!! Truth is though...your body is telling you to slow down...not give up your dreams, hopes, or ambittions, but, just slowly change your life style so you find one that fits good for you!!!

I believe that if we give up our hopes and dreams, and the things that make us happy because of Lupus...it wins. So don't give up at all, but listen to your body. You will be singing lead again soon!!!

I will pray for you!!!

12-30-2005, 01:09 PM
I also think it is AWSOME that they have a link to get the Lupus awareness support bracelet on your bio page!!! Quite the gift you have girl...don't worry...there is a plan for you!!!

03-27-2006, 09:50 AM

The CD is pretty much finished! We have to package and print it and we are DONE!!! WOOO HOOO!!!!!!!!!

Our official CD release party is June 17th! YAY!

The new singer... Ulck... Has turned into diva extraordinaire! I don't think she will last long... A couple of other band members have expressed their dislike for her attitude... Everything she does annoys me since she's shown this side of herself... So it won't be too soon for me!

I do have a feeling though, that once she is gone, I will be feeling a whole lot better, and should be able to come back! (which I think they will be happy with, as they have made SEVERAL comments when she is not at practice and I am playing "Emergency back up singer")

Well, not to mention the fact that she's missed HALF of the practices, and last night said herself that she wasn't prepared with all of the songs for our one hour gig this coming Saturday... She's had three months! We were SUPPOSED to have a three hour gig! What was she going to do THEN???

And she blames a lot on not liking all of the songs... She is yucky.

Okay... End of rant! :lol: For now anyway...


03-27-2006, 10:50 AM
Congrats on the CD SoleSinger. I really hope that once the diva is gone you are well enough to resume lead singing.

I've wondered about you a lot since this site went down and wished I could have remembered the website for your band so I could contact you and see how you were doing. Hatlady found my e-mail and let me know this site was back up again. In the meantime I've been visiting another lupus site at HealingWell.com. It's another great forum and I wanted to let you know about that site while this one was down just in case you needed another place to talk about lupus stuff. ANyway, I'm glad things seem to be looking up for you.

03-27-2006, 11:45 AM

Why on earth would you join a band if you didn't like their music? Kinda like signing up for a soprano role in an opera when you're a country singer. DUH.

Methinks you'll be back in the lead role shortly.... and WONDERFULLY!


03-27-2006, 10:14 PM
Yeah... I know... Ridiculous, huh? Especially since she "could sing with ANY band"! :roll: Pardon me, while I PUKE!

Queenie won't last long... The boys got spoiled because I rarely put my "diva hat" on... I admit, I do it occasionally... But, NOTHING like her... And as many times as she has strutted her diva attitude in the last three months... I doubt they will put up with much more... YAYAY!!

Bye bye sugar! And not a minute too soon! :lol: Don't let the door hit you on the way out!

03-28-2006, 11:43 AM
Congrats on your CD - make sure you let us all know how we can get a copy!

Best of luck on your CD release party :lol:


04-02-2006, 09:25 PM
So... Last night was our first gig with what-her-face... She did a good job... Everyone loved her... Blah, blah, blah... It was all I could do to keep from crying... Just thinking about it, it's all I can do to keep from crying... :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry:

It's very sad that I had more fun making fun of the KISS tribute band that followed us (a bunch of middle aged men dressed in spandex and make up, trying to be people that they obviously weren't) than I did performing... I never dreamed there would be a day that I wouldn't have fun performing...

:cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry:

04-10-2006, 10:27 PM

So... After over 100 emails today, and The Queen stating that she doesn't like or want to do our original songs, and pretty much insulting my boys (I am very protective, I know) and the main guy (Who's songs she basically said were stupid) backing her up...

I quit the band.... I was told I was being abusinve because I asked why she joined a band that she didn't like their music... I don't do ANYTHING for two whole hours worth of music... I refuse to be beat down because I asked a question...

I signed up for an "originals" band and that was our focus to write songs, sell CDs and get OUR music out there... All of a sudden SHE shows up and that changes?

It's very sad that three months trumps three years... I hope she's worth it.

MY CD will still be available as of June 17th at www.trickshotband.com if anyone is interested...

And I have an audition on Saturday! YAY!

So, THAT is the latest with me!

Incase you were wondering! :)

05-10-2006, 11:58 AM
SO!! When last we left Jillian she had quit her band due to a horrible horrible woman who killed her band. So this past Saturday, I went to go see Queen Bee and The Drones, aka Diva and The Boys, aka My former band...

The woman does not sing properly... She sings from her throat, not her diaphragm... And about half way through the show we learned that she had a sore throat... There was one point where she said "I'm not gonna have any voice tomorrow"... But, she screamed her head off anyway... I know SaySusie can vouch for this... If it HURTS to sing... STOP!! She is not smart... Especially for someone who's been TRAINED.... Needless to say, I sang 1/3 of the night... I introduced the band... Since I knew she wouldn't... And when I was watching them, they didn't look like a band... they looked like a bunch of individual musicians at a jam or open mic night... I got up there, and those boys looked like they were having fun again... And the crowd LOVED ME!! (Can I toot my own horn a bit?) ;)

I was told afterward by one of the guys: "Steve, (The singer before me) came to see us when you joined and there was obvious improvement. John, (The drummer before the current one) came and saw obvious improvement. YOU come to see us and wind up bailing us out because we took a HUGE step backward after you left!"


Yeah, she's worth it alright... ;)