View Full Version : I've never taken care of me

07-07-2011, 06:09 AM
Growing up I had pets. Lots of pets of all kinds to take care of. I also, in my own child's way, took care of my mother who married an abuser (my father). I grew up and married a man who was a product of an over bearing father. A man who was a product of young lust and back in the day, you got married. Hubby was never treated well because of it, as if it was his fault. I married a man who is emotionally needy and living what he had learned, is over bearing himself. We have 2 children, now adults. Youngest is 18 and is working through some not so smart life choices. I'm trying to guide her back on track but yet, keep a distance and not do it for her so that she may learn and grow, not depend on me to take care of everything. I'm back to taking care of my mother. Dad died in 2004, Mom moved out to Montana and lives around the corner. Up until recently she was handling her finances just fine, but really doesn't know what she is doing , throw in a bank that is less than customer service oriented and I now have a mess to straighten out and have totally taken over Mom's finances. I'm moving her to a different bank and starting in August, should be easy to deal with as the mess will be behind us and I'll have a system in place to deal with her money and keep her on the positive side.
I've always taken care of someone else. I've always put someone else's needs and wants above my own. Lupus is screaming for my attention. Lupus is demanding I focus on me. Lupus needs to shut up and go away but it won't. Neither will my husband's neediness and over bearing attitude. Neither will my over powering mothering instincts, nor will my must to take care of my mother (only child here, no siblings to help me). On top of everything, I need to get another job and am looking and applying all that I can. Soon, I'll be completely dependent on husband for $ and that is NOT a good thing.
I've never taken care of me. Oh, I've grabbed moments here and there like getting my haircut (big whoo hoo), sat and read an entire chapter in a book that wasn't a how to manual but I've never been anywhere near the top of my list of priorities. Husband has a nasty habit of telling me I need to get my priorities in order. Once I retorted that I did and that I was putting my first. His response was "that's not what I meant". Of course it wasn't because it wasn't about him. He dislocated his shoulder the first friday in June. He's healing amazingly well and fast. HOWEVER, to hear him talk about it, you'd think it was the catastrophic event of the decade. Oh please! Spend a day as a lupie and let's compare notes, I'll show HIM catastrophic! Oh the pain! He needs an ibuprofen. IBUPROFEN?!? Amateur! Anyhow, I know God is moving my life around lately and I'm trying to listen to Him. I know major changes need to and are taking place in my life and I know I need to take care of ME. I just have no idea how or when that is going to happen.
Thanks for letting have a pity party.

07-07-2011, 07:00 AM
i love you.
take little steps.
and big breaths

07-07-2011, 08:50 AM
Oh Rita,

Now that was a good vent and chest release if i've heard one but it does you good because holding in to much will cause severe stress, then the lupus will latch onto it and start playing your symptoms up some more.

I've always put other's before myself i do our staff and my hubby goes mad...he's a big believer in putting yourself first, so try and get some of your own space and relax more and if demands are mad, you know the answer s.d off i'm resting myself for a change, as there's not just you who exist be firm Rita. xxx

07-07-2011, 08:57 AM
Once you make the decision to make yourself the priority, stick to it! Easier said than done because in many ways, I'm very much like you. And I also tend to keep my venting to myself so no wonder it manifests itself physically. Best to you as you navigate your way through this - it's easy to slip back into our "old" ways of putting everything and everyone else first!

07-07-2011, 09:41 AM
Once you start realizing that you need to take care of you first, that's half the battle. Steve is right baby steps and soon you will be flying and stronger for it. Bless you on this journey! ((hugs))

07-07-2011, 09:50 AM
I completely understand where you are coming from. The one thing that I try to remember is that if I don't take care of me I can't care of anyone else. I can't say that I do it all the time but I aim for it.

07-07-2011, 05:08 PM
Yes Rita, that's the way we Moms tend to think, isn't it?
You're on the right track, though. It's good to learn to do good things for yourself. Them you'll feel better about doing things for others.
Lots of Hugs and understanding,

07-07-2011, 05:14 PM
rita take care of yourself and i will be thinking of you giving you lots of hugs kim l

07-07-2011, 05:58 PM
You wont be able to take care of you, until you can release control of all those situations you have made yourself responsible for. It sounds like you have a strong sense of duty... If you dont do it, it wont get done properly, right? : ) Its not because they cant do it, but because you are the strong take charge type and everyone has always fallen back on you when things seem too hard. You are their rock?
Its going to be so hard for you to let go, you are going to have to be so hard on yourself! Use that enormous strength to put your foot down and tell everyone else... for your own health... they will need to be in control of their lives from now on. Keep us updated, I would love to see how well you do at putting your foot down, not only with others, but with yourself!

I've always looked after others... but thats not something imposed upon me by others... its a part of me.
I find stress relief in seeing others genuinely happy. And thats why I will do it forever without complaint : )

07-07-2011, 07:49 PM
My dad handled all the finances when he was alive. They were married 43 years before he passed away. Mom was doing fine all by herself financially up until the last few months. I don't know what happened but she started bouncing checks. The bank isn't helping. They are actually quite rude. They could help out by removing some of the insufficient fund fees but refuse to. I have power of attorney so they now get to deal with me. I'm switching Mom's bank next week. I never liked the one she is with right now. I've had to deal with them on a business level and nationwide there has been all sorts of issues with them. I'll stay online with her account from here on out, do all of her banking for the first month or two and slowly turn the reigns back over to her but keep an eye on things via online banking. If she still can't handle it on her own, I'll ask my daughter to help. She's going to minor in accounting anyhow, this would be excellent real life practice for her.
Hubby is another issue. He's been in a cranky mood all day. He asked me what time our son was arriving today. He came up from Missoula (3 hours out)) for drill weekend. I told him I didn't know. His response was: "what good are you?" I told him that there aren't enough hours in the day to answer that question. He wasn't being funny either. He really is that rude. If I could get a job that paid enough to support myself, there's a strong possibility he'd be living by himself shortly thereafter. The house is paid for and was a gift from my parents so he'd be the one moving out. He's always complained about it anyhow.
I have a job interview tomorrow morning at 0830. Fingers crossed. Part time but that's ok. Hopefully they are looking for a middle aged, reasonably decent looking yet well versed in administration lupie 'cuz here I am!

Thank you so much everyone for your love and support. You keep me going! Will keep you posted.

Hugs to you all!!!

07-07-2011, 07:58 PM
You GO GIRL! All my appendages have been crossed since yesterday for your job (and it is getting darned hard to do anything). It's tough to be looking for work when you are middle aged, but I think employers get a bargain when they hire us. All that wisdom, and for less than they would have to pay a man LOL!