View Full Version : heartbreaking decision
07-06-2011, 05:09 AM
on the weekend i made a decision that has broke my heart but i had to do this for my health as many of you know my eldest child josh is an alcoholic and gambling addict with severe violent tendancies after many attempts at putting him through rehab program he has failed and i have had to endure many bouts of abuse, on the weekend after a phone call from him that consisted of words i cannot mention i have come to the end of my rope i have decided i need to cut him out of my life for my own health and sanity i feel such guilt but i know this is what i have to do my brain tells me this but my heart is broken i finally realise i have lost my son to his addiction and admitting defeat is the hardest thing i have had to do but the baby boy i gave birth to is no longer there i know there will be some people who will judge me for this but i have to do this for me and my husband and my 13 year old daughter i am scared of my own son i have not left my house all week in fact i have not left my bed the stress has caused me to be in so much pain i can hardly walk and the depression is so badi have been crying since sunday my family members understand my decision but i do not know if i will ever be able to forgive myself thankyou for listening and i understand if some of you are angry for what i have done , kim l
07-06-2011, 05:18 AM
Tough love isn't easy, Kim. I'm very sorry you had to do it, but perhaps it'll make a noticeable improvement on your health.
07-06-2011, 05:31 AM
i understand if some of you are angry for what i have done , kim l
i for one only feel compassion and sorrow.
anger does not come into it even slightly.
Dance in the Rain
07-06-2011, 05:35 AM
I am so sorry that you had to go through this.
Good for you.
Judging from your post, you probably didn't expect anyone to say that, but seriously, good for you.
Choosing to cut someone you love out of your life is an extremely hard one. But at the same time, when that person is diseased and hurting you, it can be a necessary step towards the future and the better.
Personally, I went through somewhat of the same thing, though in reverse - I cut my father out of my life. He was very abusive and unwell. I kept trying for years to satisfy him and make him happy, to be there for him and have a real relationship, but it was never enough - *I* was never enough.
I learned that you need to surround yourself with people who want three basic things for you.
That you are 1) Happy, 2) Healthy, 3) Safe.
If you're around someone who's making you feel sick, scared and miserable - that person obviously doesn't want those things for you, and shouldn't be in your life.
Ultimately, its an extremely hard decision, but you have to live your life for you, and surround yourself with people who love and care for you. You've tried your hardest, gotten knocked down, got back up, and tried again and again, but it hasn't worked. It's hard, very hard, and even though you probably feel weak with guilt right now - doing this means that you are a strong person.
It'll get better.
And there are always more chances. If your son does ever win over his addiction, and come clean, he can always try again to have a real relationship with you - one that you both deserve.
Blessings; my thoughts are with you.
07-06-2011, 05:48 AM
Kim j , I had to do the same with one of my children and lost them for years. They lived in someone's basement I heard at one point and yes some people will judge, But... you did the right thing to save the rest of you. Bless you for the love and strength to do it. This may be what turns him around someday. My heart hears your mothers heart. I cried rivers over that. Mine threatened me and I had to hide my house key. Bless you dear woman.
07-06-2011, 06:55 AM
KIM I'm sorry you've had to do this, but yes I agree good for you. I can understand where you're coming from even though you can't compare a mothers love for her child, sadly I've had to do the same with my father. Like you for my well being and sanity. My father has battled a crack addiction for as long as I can remember. He has stolen from me and my mother, he has physically abused her. I've been sort of "lucky" I guess as Ive married at 17 to move out of my house in order not to deal with my father. I couldnt take his verbal abuse towards me and my mother was scared to stand up to him and defend me. I understand her also. He's been in and out of rehab and has been clean for years, but every time he relaspes it gets worse and worse. I just wish my mother would open her eyes and kick him to the curb. Shes bbeen with him 40 years and knows no better. Shes old fashion and believes whole heartely you marry till death do you part. Which in most cases its true not in hers. I fear for her life and she just doesnt get it. Tough love is the way to go. hand in there and I hope and pray he can recover from that horrible disease. Hugs!
07-06-2011, 07:07 AM
Kim i am so sorry for the heartache you feel and the fear i have had a child who went to rehab after being on the streets for months because of drugs and alchol but she finally came to her senses and asked for help and overcame it with Gods help we all survived i hope and pray that things will work out for you take care of yourself first love BonitA
07-06-2011, 07:10 AM
As you know i've never had children to cross this dicision in life but i've not walked it for 42 years with my eyes shut and not knowing people in the same position as yourself.
Nobody as the right to stand and accuse you, drug addictions besides gambling is a well known fact is a life led around money and all respect leaves that person and who they've been close to.
I'll admit it must have been really hard for you besides what your going through but at the end of the day as long as you know best in your mind that's all that counts, not what other's think and you don't deserve abuse which is hard to handle alone never mind being ill and as long as your family stand by your dicision that's all that counts...getting over it will be the hard bit but we're here for you mate anytime and you know that kim.
Do takecare and i'm thinking of you dearly Terry. xxxxxxxxx
07-06-2011, 08:11 AM
Hey kimj I forgot to tell you, my boy loves me to pieces now and he just called this AM to check on me. Never give up but do use tough love for everyone's good including your son. (((hugs)))
07-06-2011, 09:41 AM
Kim - I feel you. I have a 29 year old son and there have been times when we must break from each other. Last summer was a heartbreaking time for both of us. We're healing but we're still wary. Sometimes I think "he still doesn't get it" and then he'll say or do something and I know he DID "get it" or is in the process of "getting it." Peace to you.
07-06-2011, 09:42 AM
Good for you. You did what you needed to do.
He has to hit rock bottom before he decides on his own to do something about it. By trying to help him, you were enabling him.
Stick by your decision and protect your own health and the rest of your family.
Lots of Hugs,
07-06-2011, 09:26 PM
I understand why you did it and you made the right choice. I went through a similar situation a few years ago with my then 20 year old. It wasn't easy and it hurt like hell. That was my baby boy, except he wasn't my baby anymore. I didn't want to kick him out of my life, but I still had a 15 year old at home I had to protect as well as myself. Fortunately he's got his act together and I have the loving son I raised back in my life and on his way to being a daddy this fall. I doubt anyone on this forum is mad at you for what you did, more like we feel for you and want nothing but the best for you.
Sending hugs and prayers your way.
I hope everything works out well, Kim. I will keep you in my thoughts
07-06-2011, 09:37 PM
Kim, I can't add any better words than those said by members who have been through similar situations. What a horrible decision to have to make, but I agree with everyone else, it was the right one. Feeling safe is one of the most basic needs we have, and you have to give that to yourself and the rest of your family.
07-06-2011, 10:12 PM
Kim, this shows incredible strength and fortitude on your part. I hope and pray your son will return to you oneday, until then, its important to look after yourself. It's not selfish to put your needs first, it's a necessity! and as you're a mother, it probably doesn't happen enough ;) There is a reason airlines tell you to put your own mask on first when things are going 'down'.
People will judge you for it, (though prob not here at empathy central ;) I'm glad that your family is behind you, though also sad for your sons predicament. Something that has helped me deal with judgement issues..... Your opinion of someone else is none of their business, and their opinion of you is none of yours. ;)
(Unless of course they think I'm just FABULOUS, in that case.... tell me, tell me, tell me!)
I hope you are feeling better soon Kim, take pride in yourself for making a very tough decision and then taking action to follow it through. And trust that you have done the right thing for you and your family, son included.
My thoughts are with you,
07-07-2011, 02:14 AM
Kim I think you did the right thing for all concerned. If any one should say something to you, just tell them this:
"Don't judge me until you've walked a mile in my shoes"
Do you really care what others think? Those who care about you understand and support you. Everyone here who has told you their stories have supplied you with "hope" cling to that. We know you did the right thing; so please try to move forward with baby steps.
Hugs and Good thoughts are headed your way
07-07-2011, 03:29 AM
Hi Kimj, I just wanted to let you know I am thinking about you so much. Always believe that this child can turn around, if he chooses to. But the ball is now in his court. Rest from the battle dear. I'm so glad you reached out to this family for encouragement. I know they are vital to my well being. Just lifted a prayer up for you. (((HUGS)))
07-07-2011, 01:32 PM
You also have my " approval", not that you need it, but we are all behind you.
I know you thought about your decision for a long time and it is what you had to do.
He knows once he gets his life in order, he can come back to his family.
Take care of your health first, that is the most important thing right now.
07-07-2011, 06:09 PM
Kim! I havent read other peoples comments... so I dont know if anyone has already said this... but you have absolutely done the right thing!
Sometimes... people can not see what they are doing, until they lose everything. One day, he will hit rock bottom and realise he has done something even he couldnt imagine he would ever do... he will realise he lost his family and he will finally decide to get help for himself.
People only change when they want to.
I know you will feel guilty no matter what we say... but he is a grown man, not a child. You have tried your best, now helping him will put your other child at risk... and that just isnt fair. Your adult child has made an adult decision to ruin his own life... its in his hands now. Just pray for him, keep him in your thoughts and wish the best for him. One day he will come around. But please, know you did everything for him within your power. And he needs to learn to walk alone now and understand the consequences of his choices.
07-07-2011, 06:25 PM
Alcoholism is a devastating disease and its effects are far reaching. In our family, I have seen it destroy the lives of the immediate and not so immediate family members. There comes a time, when for your own health, safety and sanity, you have to make difficult decisions. I admire your strength and courage. I also encourage you to find support. You are hurting here too. WOuld you be comforatable looking for an Al-Anon meeting near you? Sorry that isn't the right acronym, brain fog, but the meetings for family members. I also know that some communities have meetings specifically for different groups within the family dynamic such as Adult children of alcoholics, parents of, etc. It might do some good to meet others who have faced similar decisions in a non-judgemental environment...or perhaps even speaking to a counsellor or therapist yourself. I am so sorry that you are in this situation. As others have said you do not need my approval, but you 100% have it and any strength that I may offer you to make it through this difficult time. If your son is willing and when he is ready, he may come through the other side of this and then it will be up to the two of you to decide if you will have a relationship and what that might look like...Until then you can't make him change. And you don't deserve to let him or anyone else hurt you. Please take care and take heart. Sending you oodles of strength and courage.
P.S. I forgot to mention the gambling portion too...We have that issue as well and I think the same goes for it...It affects so many people in the family and especially those who already have compromised immune systems, need to learn to take care of themselves first. I can only imagine how difficult this is from a mom's perspective but please believe me when I say, you are doing the right thing.