View Full Version : its venting time
05-19-2011, 07:03 AM
well took mikaela for councelling appointment this morning and i came out of there so distressed first they ask me did i suffer from depression and i answered yes i have lupus and other things going on in my life they iimplied at that i could be making mikaela more anxious because i would not let her dye hair or go on dates or go for sleep overs with friends or spend her time running around shopping centres, first of all we do not have a lot of money so she does not have the opurtunity to shop a lot. i have certain values that i bought my children up with and that was when she was 18 she could do what she wanted and if she wanted to dye her hair she would but i do not think putting chemicals in my daughters hair when she already has beautiful hair is a being a bad parent, i also said i do not allow sleep overs because i do not know who the parents are and what there values are maybe this is protectivebut better to be safe and sorry they also accused me of being over anxious about boys i have been open with all my children and told them there was to be no dating till they were 16 and they would be daytime dates and we wish to meet the boy again i was was accused of projecting my anxieties on to her . i just have certain moral values and it seems these days i am to old fashion. they told me they would prefer if i gave mikaela some distance from us i am doing this she is going to activies and i am trying to arrange singing and drama lessons for her, when i came out of there i felt like i was such a bad parent and in someway i felt guilty. mikaela was so scared tonight because she felt like they were attacking her father and me and were trying to seperate us she has not left our side instead of easing her anxiety they made it worse. am i wrong in trying to instill values in my child and protect her because right now i feel like crap i do not no whether i should cry or be angry my emotions are up and down, when he asked me how i controlled my stress i told him i use valium that is the only thing that helps with anxiety he gave me a look as if i should feel guilty for using medication, and he also made me feel guilty because i have lupus and cannot do the things i used to do with her. sorry for being a downer just very unwell with virus tired, and now feel crappy at the only one thing i thought i was still good at being a mother. seems i am not good for anything anymore just feel like giving up i live for my husband and my kids and now apparantely i am no good at that either. just overweight, disabled, and a crappy wife and mother whats the point thanks for listening kim l
05-19-2011, 07:20 AM
what a cousellor.
he/she needs help, not you.
i also have old fashioed values, and i try to instill them to my children.
ask linda, what she thinks of my children. she visited a couple of weeks ago.
i may do thing differently to you, but we agree that todays morals are not what we want our children to have.
i do agree that any child needs socialising, but not open slater, do what they want.
life is about getting a balance.
not being to protective, but not letting our kids hurt themselves, physically or emotionally.
Linda From Australia
05-19-2011, 07:31 AM
Your morals are perfectly OK. I had the same rules for my kids. I don't think kids should be able to dye their hair, I am surprised that some parents let their Primary age kids dye their hair. Well as far as letting your kids do whatever they want, as long as they live under your roof, they should live by your rules. If your kids work and make their own money, perhaps they can have some freedom, which could be colouring their hair. Day time dates seem fine to me, and not allowing sleep overs at people's houses that you do not know is very wise. Mind you, there are some people I know that I would not let my kids have a sleep over.
This is one person who has told you that you are doing everything wrong. What have other people told you? You don't have to listen to people like that who talk to you for a few minutes and make assumptions.
My duaghter, also autistic, was eating out of rubbish bins, off the floor, and stealing food off people's plates at resturants when she was 7. The paediatrician she was seeing at the time referred her to a neuologist because she was having alot of tics from Tourette's syndrom. This so called specialist ripped shreads off me telling me I was a bad parent. This was all because my daughter was running around the room and not doing anything I told her to do. The doctor asked her to draw a picture and she did. He summed up that I was a bad parent and the reason why she was eating out of rubbish bins, eating 9 weekbix in the mornings until she vomitted, would wake up in the middle of the night and eat 2 litres of ice cream, steal food out of other kids lunch boxes, steal food and lollies from the shops and shove them in her underpants (you get the picture) etc... was because she was rebelling because we had her on a restricted diet and she was just rebelling against me. Her GP put her on this diet because she would break out in rashes, vomit, get head aches etc when she ate certain food. When her GP found out how this specialist treated me, charging me a fortune to tell me there was nothing wrong with my kid, I made her into a terror, her GP hit the roof. He sent me off to a top psychiatrist, who taked to her for ages and reported that she was seriously mentally ill, and I was a fantastic mother. If I hadn't gone back to my GP, I would have believed that the neurologist told me. He also referred her to a new paediatrician who actually knew how to treat kids.
So Kim, this person has an opinion, and that is all it is, their opinion. You know how you care and look after your family, listen to your heart. Go back to your GP and ask to see someone else. No one needs to put up with people who have a piece of paper that says they are someone they obvously are not.
05-19-2011, 08:17 AM
so my first question for this "counselor" is do they have children and if not have they been educated to work with children and on children's social issues? Do they watch the news or read the papers or browse the headlines on the internet and see what is happening with children these days who don't have structured rules set up for them? Have then not seen stories of girls been hurt or abducted or molested or worse, killed, in situations as simple as going to the mall with their girlfriends and no adult supervision. Does this person not see on facebook the way these girls look when they are given free reign to wear whatever they want and do whatever they want to their body in regards to piercings and hair dye and clothes. Why would this person not want your CHILD to be protected and kept safe? You are the kind of parent that teacher *dream* of. Involved, highly aware of their child's physical and emotional needs, advocating their child's needs and rights, protective, nurturing, and very aware of world issues. You are not hiding your girls under rocks and sheltering them, you are protecting them, their minds, their innocence and their childhood and I heartily applaud you! Eff that person for upsetting Mikaela with their so-called "expert" opinion.
05-19-2011, 08:52 AM
I have a suggested compromise on the hair dye thing. I saw it at wal-mart yesterday. Take it or leave it, you wont hurt my feelings either way. But crayola makes temporary, washable color highlights that are pretty inexpensive in the make-up section. My sister used them on halloween too. Maybe she could play with those around the house, I'm not suggesting in public bc these aren't naturally occurring colors, but its just a thought.
As for the counselor. I'm actually studying to be a counselor right now. I have a year left, only 2 classes but then practicum and internship. Counselors are trained to express their opinions based on your particular situation as it compared to theories, but when it comes down to it, it is just an opinion. While depressed parents can make a child anxious, its rare, and it's more common for anxious, ill or "unhealthy" children to make their parents depressed, and teenagers, even completely healthy ones, often make parents depressed. You feel helpless when something is wrong with your child and helplessness easily leads to depression so that on top of lupus crap easily explains your depression. I hope that you can find a new counselor. Like drs, you have the bad with the good, until then just remember to take it one day at a time. You know your child better than anyone else, and you know what's best for her. Stick yo your guns. You're a great mom, don't let anyone tell you otherwise!
05-19-2011, 08:58 AM
We, too, have had really bad experiences with people in the mental health field. I don't know what they teach them in school, but it certainly isn't compassion or common sense.
Kim, you sound like a great mother. At least I sure hope you are because I have the same values and rules. Our oldest daughter just graduated magna cum laude, with honors and has been awarded a Fulbright scholarship to study in Germany, and is engaged. We let her dye her hair just before high school graduation, made her meet her boyfriend in public places or at our house until she was 18 (he was 26, so the rules were stricter), and only let her sleep over at close friend's houses. Fortunately, her friend's parents had the same values, so it wasn't a big deal. She went through a bad depression in high school and her psychiatrist said we were being too lenient and should take away all her belongings until her grades came up (she had a 3.0 GPA). Crazy!
It seems there are a tremendous number of bullies out there in the medical profession (and in people's families). What that counselor said to you seems to border on verbal abuse, especially in light of your daughter's response to it. Do you have the option of going elsewhere? There are good counselors and psychologists out there, but just like good doctors, you have to work to find them. We found a wonderful Christian counseling group. They didn't bring God into conversations with either of my girls, but each of the counselors they saw had the same family values that we did. Even if you aren't a church go-er, a Christian counseling group might be a good fit for your family. Just make sure you clarify up front whether they will put pressure on you in terms of religious beliefs, and make sure the counselor you get is compassionate and not judgemental. I feel so bad that you had this horrible experience, but it is obvious that the counselor you saw is the one with the problem - not you!
05-19-2011, 09:07 AM
Oops, sorry Amanda, I didn't see your post until I sent mine. I am glad to hear that counselors are well trained - our bad experiences have primarily been with psychologists and psychiatrists. You should be a wonderful counselor, and I would be very happy to find someone like you for my family. The women that helped my girls so much were counselors, not psychologists.
05-19-2011, 02:40 PM
I am only 29 going on 30... my parents didnt let me dye my hair either until I was 18 then I could do as I wanted. There is nothing wrong with that!! I dont think ANY of their suggestions were ok, just because a lot of young girls these days have loose morals doesn't mean you should instill it in them. Boys ARE something to worry about with a teenage girl!!!! My daughter wont be going to sleep overs, parties or having night time dates either! She can do that when she is 18 and a legal adult. I would rather instill self respect in her rather than have her fussing over clothes shopping with a bunch of airhead girls in a shopping centre and being with boys too young. I mean if that counselor doesn't think boys are an issue... well both my sisters lost their virginity at 12 years old. Neither had even hit puberty yet. So YEAH! Boys are a real concern. Girls who rely a lot on social acceptance are the most at risk. Both my sisters were kind of popular.
05-19-2011, 07:44 PM
Let's point out the obvious: the counselor is an idiot. That being said, you are doing a great job as a mother and a wife. It is YOUR job to teach your children boundaries, values, respect and integrity. I'd bet you are already doing that. Big deal so she can't dye her hair. Like her life will end if she doesn't? Hmmm, nope. My all time favorite line to use on my kids which they HATE with a passion is : "I've been YOUR age, have you been mine?" Exactly. Most of what they've done or want to do is yesterday's news for us. My parents were the opposite of me in parenting skills. They never gave me a curfew, let me do whatever I darn well pleased whenever I pleased. Never gave me any rules or boundaries. How I came out of it alive, I'll never know. MY kids however, had rules (now ages 18 and 22). They had boundaries and curfews and believe me, they followed them to the letter. I told them I'd rather have them mad at me than have their picture on the side of a milk carton. If they didn't hate me at least once a week, I wasn't doing my job. I wasn't mean. I did my best to be fair. When I set forth a rule, it came with an explanation, not just because "I said so" although there were times I played the "because I said so" card and as mom, I could exercise that right. I picked my battles. Ear piercing- yes. Tongue piercing oh H#%% NO! My daughter has dyed her hair. She had to pay for it however and if she didn't like it, her problem and I reserved chuckling rights and yeah, I laughed my head off when she went for the Morticia Adams look (thank God that didn't last long). I did my best to teach my kids how to make good choices. To think about their choices and not just impulsively do stuff. They turned out just fine and yours will too. YOU will be fine. Don't listen to the idiot, I mean counselor and listen to your heart and your gut and you'll be awesome!